As I Sit Here

March 20th, 2008

i will always remember that moment where i tried to disappear into that corner outside the lifts, and the minutes leading up to that moment. i will always remember that sense of estrangement, that betrayal, that nauseating distress that was scratching its way out of my stomach and into my mouth. there is the quiet kind of loneliness that you feel in the never-ending expanse of your bed in the dead of night when you can’t seem to sleep.. and then there is this kind of roaring raging angry loneliness when you realize with a thudding clarity that trust is hurtful and dangerous when placed into the wrong hands.

slivers of that moment haunt me when i step into lift lobbies. or when i am back there. and even sometimes when i dream, especially that particular dream last sunday that felt like a grotesque hall of shame that i was eternally trapped in, thinking to my dream self over and over again, how could this be happening to me.

all i can do after i lock the door behind me each time is sigh. here we go again, these wooden floors. i wish they sold resilience by the bottles over the counter. i would break my piggy bank for a lifetime supply of the stuff.

Entry Filed under: Musings, Unsent Letters