Emoe

today started off a little angry for me. then sad. then angry again. now, i am feeling a little bit sorry - in the guilty sense of the word. yet, there’s this throbbing kernel of blissful contentment somewhere in the pits of my stomach. ever jumped into something big and risky, expecting the worse, but then at the end of it all discovered that there was no need to be afraid or pessimistic in the first place? because everything turned out perfect and more beautiful than you could ever hope for? that’s what i’m going through right now. it’s a good feeling, even if preceded by a little bit of remorse at the recklessness of aforementioned pessimism.

i really wish i could say why i was angry this morning. at least it would get my message across to the relevant people involved. but i think the more i dwell upon them, the angrier i get, and the fact is dwelling on such things doesn’t really improve the situation any. well okay i want to talk briefly about just one thing, because that is the one i am thinking about most. i understand why sometimes it is important to remain neutral, but i cannot help but feel a sense of disappointment, and sometimes disrespect, for people who are privy to both sides of a story but still are unable or refuse to form an opinion. there’s always the same old “aiyah sensitive issue lah i dowan to say anything”, which to me sounds so cowardly and unintelligent. just because things are ’sensitive’, you don’t even want to THINK about the problem at hand? when all the bare facts are laid before you on the table, you can’t even bring yourself to recognize what is right and what is wrong?

i hope no one misinterprets or jumps to conclusions about what i’m saying, because i’m aware that what i said can apply to many situations, but i’m referring to some very specific events. haih. i’m just so sick of people who can’t seem to employ just a little bit of judgment and integrity when it comes to situations that require them to, because as a result of that, nothing is ever done about the injustices that are allowed to fester. and when talk comes to do, they all step back and let the more outspoken ones take the heat. and when the battle is won, they all come out to celebrate together-gether. it’s damn unfair. no this is not about elections. this is something personal. it’s about friends, it’s about right and wrong, it’s about a certain person with no principles whom i believe i’m never speaking to again.

haih.

on another note, i finally sent in my acceptance notification to the one college of my choice. so this fall, i will be attending Columbia University :) and i also already sent out the decline forms for all my other schools. it was so hard putting the check mark next to ‘No, I Will Not Be Attending…’ in those forms, particularly the ones for Penn and Chicago. when i think about all the effort and determination and prayers and hope i put into my applications for these schools only a few months ago, i can’t help but feel so extremely ungrateful for declining all their offers. yes i know it’s very silly to feel like this because i’m SUPPOSED to choose only one school and decline the rest, but hey. i dont know lah. remember how i wasnt even expecting to gain entrance into any of my schools. and now here i am just signing the decline cards as if they dont mean anything to me. i felt a little bit nauseous as i was signing the Penn card. during application season, Penn was the first application that i worked on because it was the school i wanted to get into most - and i slogged through it like a dog because i really needed it to be perfect. i remember exactly how i felt when i was writing my Why Penn essay. and now.. i’m not even going there. it feels strange.

i want to say thank you to everybody who helped me get this far. first of all, thank you to all of you who voted in my poll and left me comments on my Columbia / Penn decision :) and thank you to everyone who sent me long emails about their opinions. thank you Yau, i’m so glad you took that first step all those months back; i couldn’t have done it without you. thank you Matteus, Andrew, Chen Chow for all your ever-encouraging comments and opinions. thank you Lotus for constantly giving me that swift kick in the butt to get me going - you are the reason why i’m even attending an Ivy League institution in 4 months’ time. thank you Christine for that great interview; it must have been why i was accepted into Penn in the first place. thank you Nick and Amanda for all the insight into Columbia. thank you Emily, Timtam, Booha, Eeyang and Dad for being there during the last few minutes of my decision-making. lastly, thank you to all my friends and relatives who cared enough to share their thoughts with me about both colleges and for hounding me ever so often about my decision :) you have all been very kind to me.

i really regret that i cannot attend Penn. but the more i think about it, the more i feel i made the right choice when i sent in my Columbia confirmation. so here’s to plunging into New York City headfirst and not looking back!

oh and i went to watch Iron Man today :) i wasnt expecting it, but it was OMG SO GOOD. exciting, engaging and jaw-droppingly awesome from start till end. deep sigh! when i grow up i want to be like Iron Man!! *___* either that or marry someone like him!!

okay i have nothing else to say, and i really should be going back to bed. obviously my newly-recalibrated body clock is now cacat again. and for the people who are only here for the pictures, and i know there’s some of you out there!!!, i leave you now with one picture from Bangkok :

me trying to decide which shirt is more ME!, at Khao San Road - my 2nd favourite place in Bangkok after Chatuchak :)

Comments May 2nd, 2008