The Tale of the Portable Defibrillator
May 29th, 2008
in between searching for my visa application documents, i was searching for the meaning of life. what does it mean to be happy? what does it mean to feel this numbing pain so distinctly in my heart? every single cell of my heart is throbbing and murmuring, and i am forced to be so keenly aware of every single. beat. and. pump. and. whirl. but why? what causes that first pump of the heart that is the jump start to our entire lives? my breath hitches; i finally locate my passport. it was underneath the tissue box. that goddamn thing.
do you ever feel like you want something someone else has? that clenching dissatisfied green greed. i feel like that all the time. the other night, tamtim (as opposed to timtam, because we are cool like that) and i were discussing what we were made for, and i said that i was made for competition. i was made for winning. and i am the biggest sore loser you will ever meet. i hate losing, i really do. lately i’ve been feeling a lot like i’m losing, that the grass is greener on the other side. nevermind what it is that i’m losing; the point is that i am not winning. but the sad thing is, i am actually the winner. i just dont know it because i am so fixated on wanting what other people have. but i am actually the winner. fuck. i feel like i’m that relative shaking the comatose person, screaming, wake up! wake up!, but in some weird dissociative identity kinda way, i am also that comatose person who is ignorant and blind and deaf and senseless to the world, being shaken by myself, ultimately still comatose.
this text that i got today. it read - ’su ann. you have something that the others dont. all u have to do is read the comments in ur latest blog post and u will see it too. dont cry.’ thank you. i really needed that. and thank you to all the people who left me those comments. to many of you, i am just this blogger who blogs; a total stranger who does nothing but put random words together. yet you take this time to leave me encouraging comments. why. why this kindness?
tamtim left for cebu today. byebye tamtim. i will miss you. i wanted to write this long post about you, and how we met, and village grocer, and starbucks, and max brenner, and the observatory, and banana leaf rice, and island creamery, and all that other stuff in between, but then i was lazy. so nevermind lah. please dont forget to name the cutest goat in cebu after me. i will try my very best to last these 3 weeks without your evil mockery. slash stare.
yesterday night i hung out with tocklet and christine. best gossip session ever. tocklet, will you help me with my archeevs? trivia of the day: when tocklet and i grow up, we wanna be just like christine, cos she be pimpin’ with all the bmws and free houses, plus she gets to boss big celebrity bloggers around.
and i cut my hair. i cut my hair!!! i havent had short hair since forever. behold the lousy mobile phone snapshot :
did you know that the white tube i’m wearing is actually a white miniskirt with ruffles? it’s so short, it’s obscene. there this kevin lah, that’s what he gave me for my birthday two years ago. you should ask him what he gave me for christmas last year. go on. ask him.
and this weekend, i get to fulfil a dream that’s been pending for the past 6 years. i so cannot wait.
Entry Filed under: Musings
81 Comments Add your own
1. carol | May 29th, 2008 at 8:41 am
i wish i could come up with some incredibly witty or insightful comment but it seems like all i can do at this point is reread this and attempt to catch a glimpse into all you must be feeling.
but you ARE so loved, lim su ann :) never ever doubt that.
2. sheon | May 29th, 2008 at 8:47 am
kevin: what you gave her for christmas?
fulfilling a dream this weekend? hmmm…..i shall not make any guess, but you have to tell!!!! since you brought this up. hahaha
winning isn’t everything my dear. winning with style is.
3. chm | May 29th, 2008 at 9:03 am
yerrr…… den u shouldve taken a full body shoot… dang… nice hair ^^
4. Justice | May 29th, 2008 at 9:29 am
…..Su Ann’s new hairstyle made her looks even younger and sweetier!!
5. iamthewitch | May 29th, 2008 at 9:39 am
I think after following your blog for quite some time, we read about your ups and downs, and laughed and teared with you… you’re not JUST a blogger who blogs to us anymore :)
6. doryfish | May 29th, 2008 at 9:45 am
short hair rulez!! I just cut mine a few months back.
pink pau, you got us supporting you!!! Please be happy!~
7. Mabel | May 29th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Short hair looks so good!~ I wish I dare to chop off my ponytail. I also think that I am a loser sometimes although I am winning. Sigh, I guess I am not easily satisfied.
8. dk | May 29th, 2008 at 9:58 am
by winning you gain something out of it. when you lose, u gain something else as well. there are very much ppl who plans to lose to gain or win something else. i think they r pretty much a winner as well. I think you have done well so far. besides, no one wins forever.
9. steph | May 29th, 2008 at 10:00 am
liking the short hair. looks cute! we’re all winners. think about the gazzilion sperm that had to make it to the egg. you were the one that made it first. :)
10. Ping | May 29th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Nice haircut, do take more pics of it and show us :-D
And yup, you gotta share with us your pending 6 years dream, okie? :D
11. benjamin lee meng chuin | May 29th, 2008 at 10:18 am
the white tube makes u look so HOT !
*ben drool*
12. reallybites | May 29th, 2008 at 10:20 am
this time really cut short wan hor. no bluffing ar.
nice hairstyle.
13. Gin | May 29th, 2008 at 10:30 am
NOT THAT SHORT!! SHORTER!! mwAHhAHhAhaHAHA
14. Jan | May 29th, 2008 at 10:40 am
u look nice and cute with ur new hair style!!
15. KY | May 29th, 2008 at 11:22 am
same hair onlyyyyy
16. manya | May 29th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
i miss tamtim too =(
wtf he ran off without even calling me! that boy dont care for his friends no more…sheesh…
congrats on your going to the states pinkpau =) maybe we shall meet one day if u be around singyland
17. manya | May 29th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
oh and we wanna know the tamtim-meets-pinkpau story heehee (coz he’ll never tell me the exact story himself - he likes to be all mysterious for some silly reason…)
18. TheRealAnonymous | May 29th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
People often learn more from losing than winning. So when you lose, don’t lose the lesson along the way; rather than start pointing fingers and making excuses for yourself when you lose. =p NObody likes a sore loser. Free yourself from this imprisonment by realizing that its okay to lose sometimes. =p
Btw, damn cute yo your short hair! LoL… let’s DATE! I’m comin’ home next wednesdady! =)
19. da | May 29th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
everyone feels that way once in a while..suppose they call it the “stage u MUST go thru”…sigh. it’ll be over soon..=) and we leave comments because we dont want u sad…=)) *hugs*
20. hui wen | May 29th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Did Yen cut that hair! :P She would never cut my hair short, she said my face is too round. T_T
And sigh, everyone loves you la, you’re the biggest winner. :P And on a random note, I went to Moussandra and Cava! :D
21. ap | May 29th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
your eyes are green because u eat alot of vegetables - Erykah Badu :)
22. bubbles | May 29th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
good luck =)
23. ront | May 29th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
dragons are born to be competitive…..
24. grace | May 29th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
sigh i also hate losing. my zodiac says that i will become a good competitor but now I’m used to losing already
25. pinkshirtz | May 29th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Haha … Well … no news is good news sometimes. look at todays papers … 80% bad new, 10% politics and 10% sports. no room for good news…
Enjoy your application process!
26. Michelle | May 29th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Competitions.
Sigh.
I’m like that too. I keep on asking myself why oh why…
27. christine | May 29th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
looking gorgeous,babe! :D
28. GnomeFan | May 29th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
your new hair cut is cute!! :P
29. LJY | May 29th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
“erm! i dont know if i’m getting the right LJY here! are you jia yoong from my former school! cos when i replied your previous comment, that’s what i thought.. :P”
To win is to leave an impact, to prove something and to create a milestone. Sometimes wanting to win so much has a reason that we refuse to acknowledge because it means we’re not content. So why are we not content?
Hahaha no. I’m not Jia Yoong from your former school… Ironically though, I think I am attending your sister-school, you were a Sri Gardener right? Those damn green uniforms…
And Jia Yoong sounds like a boy’s name. You mean to say I come across sounding like a boy? ;_; *emoes*
Also, another irony is that I found you through Kenny Sia back when you climbed Kota Kinabalu! (which is possibly when you begged him to take your link off the post?) I barely read Kenny Sia - because I barely read blogs in general, but I’m glad that one time I did, I found you and stayed on since. :)
30. abby | May 29th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
liking the new hair :)
31. Gabriel | May 29th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
haih…Winning may not be everything, but losing is nothing…
BTW, nice new hair cut…perfectly match with the door behind you..’-’
32. songjun | May 29th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
eh your current hair looks like you back in the days when u were still prancing about in your green high school skirt :P haha
33. k0k | May 29th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
I don’t know if it’s the same thing but lately, as I go through everyday doing everyday things, I find this little voice in my head which keep saying “Is this it?” over and over again. It’s like there should be more to it. More drama, magic, excitement or timed explosions? I don’t know., but something’s missing somewhere.
It really sucks to feel discontented when life is moving the way we want it to.
34. thegeekinpink | May 29th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
:)
hugs. you’re so loved and admired, even by people you’ve never met or only met once.
35. seowqj | May 29th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
it’s very important to listen to that little voice in your heart. winning or not, you have to face your inner self first. If you can win with peace in your heart, you’re winning. If you’re just winning but not deep down from your heart, that’s just lying to yourself.
be honest to yourself, is it that so called “win” is what you want?
36. cyan | May 29th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
haih so kiasu.
37. pinkpau | May 29th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
carol : thank u :) im learning not to.
sheon : ya ya ya i will tell for sure :D oi are you coming to the wild live party? hahaha your last sentence made me smile ;)
chm : the point is the hair mah, not my navel !
justice : younger right?! hahaha that’s what i thought too. sigh. just when people were starting to take me seriously :(
iamthewitch : :)))))
doryfish : i havent had short hair in a long time. but i think deep down inside i am a short hair person. haha.
mabel : dont cut it if you dont feel comfortable doing it :) later regret then you have to suffer months of agony waiting for your hair to grow back.
dk : true :) i actually gained a lot of things while losing but never realized it.
steph : hahahaha that really puts things into perspective :D
ping : okay! i will ! assuming it actually comes true :(
ben : hahaha wtf
reallybites : no bluffing! wanna cut a little bit shorter summore
gin : ya ya i know! i wanna go back and get it done a little shorter
jan : thank youu :)
ky : shaddup! it’s a big change!
manya : omg you’re a friend of tamtim’s!!! im going to remove that emo part right now wtf. yes i’m in singapore quite often, so when tamtim comes back you must bug him to bring us all out for cake and ice cream. YA i get that stupid mysterious thing from him a lot too -_-
eh okay gtg reply the rest later!!
38. sheon | May 29th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
the wild party? i will go as a rabid bunny…….and bite everyone in sight….. can?
ahaha…..yeah…i will at least try to get myself invited. hahahaa
39. tw | May 29th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
You look great with the short hair =)
40. chm | May 29th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
i wana c hw u look in a tube top n mini ^^ nt ur navel! must b freakin hot ^^
41. UncleJosh | May 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
decides to not ask anymore…
>.<
you seem to be really busy and all…
lost your msn and your hp number…
T_T
all the best for the coming things you’ve planned
42. nick | May 29th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
wow, you look incredibly amazing no matter how your hair’s done.
43. nic | May 29th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
shld hv given a full view of the dress, in exchange for tat, an honest complement on ur hair…it looks explicitly good
44. nyrac | May 29th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
first things first, you’re practically smokin’ girl! hehe. love the hair. when i cut my fringe the most often review i got was, “eh you nampak macam budak kecik la, like schoolgirl hair.”
no you’re not just a stranger who puts random words together. even though most of us have never met you but then we feel like we’ve watched you grow. or rather, we’ve grown together =)
side note: have you read the last lecture by randy pausch? i read half of it while waiting for a friend in mph today. very inspiring. “brick walls are there for a reason. they give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”
45. Gin | May 29th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
NOT A LITTLE! A LOTTTTTTTTTT SHORTERRRRRRRRRRRRR
like mine ;p heh heh
46. Steph | May 30th, 2008 at 2:56 am
HEy! been reading ur blog for awhile now. I really enjoy it. You’re really good at expressing yourself. Do continue to blog bout anything at all :)
i cn relate to how u feel. I feel the same way too. It’s all bout competition. I’m never happy with what I have bcoz I want wad others have. Always greedy and dissatisfied >.<
But i’m trying to change and it is sort of working.
Do try to pinkpau. Competition drives us to achieve our dreams but there is a limit. Obsession is unhealthy.
Smile!
47. Yappy | May 30th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Nice haircut! :)))
48. kei | May 30th, 2008 at 10:14 am
yayaya ur loveddd :) seelah over 100 something encouraging comments until i also duno where mine is :P
49. Ping | May 30th, 2008 at 10:52 am
don’t worry =) *hugs*
50. Wannabe Economist | May 30th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Life is a never ending race, we settle for one goal after another. =)
And your hair not very short only what. =/
51. nick | May 30th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
<3 <3 <3 <3
52. James | May 30th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Hahaha! That’s not you in the white tube. U can’t fool me…
53. Sam | May 30th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
i didn’t pull of short hair too well but you did!
54. Lydia | May 30th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I think you look really nice with short hair! and where’s Kevin, we need to ask him what was his Xmas present for you last year!
55. Suit Lin | May 30th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I wear tops as skirts and skirts as tops too heh. :S and if you do not know it, i enjoy every bit of reading what you have to say, genuine expressions sooths me. :) Do keep on writing.
56. foreverjas | May 30th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
so pretty! all the best in everything!
57. Li Hong | May 30th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
i think it’s an extremely good quality to hate losing, that’s what pushes us to go further instead of sitting on our butts comfortably. well provided of course, we learn from our failures. and very good idea! i forgotten that we can wear dresses as tubes.
58. cheryl | May 30th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
haha, i cut my pony tail today also. left fur only. :(
59. Anonymous | May 30th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Good luck in U.S.
60. tze | May 30th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
LIM SU ANN YOU MARK YOUR CALENDAR ADY OR NOT
61. vvian | May 30th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
halo su ann.i am vivian.
i love to read your blog!
ern i would like to ask you that have you taken A level last time??
have you taking sociology last time??
hope to get your reply soon.
thanks .
take care.
62. Huai Bin | May 30th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
The grass is always greener on the other side. My philosophy for being happy is simple - hedonism. Just enjoy the day and make the most of it. We’ll think about tomorrow…tomorrow. ;)
63. manya | May 31st, 2008 at 1:01 am
no, you must not remove the emo part … /stare
Erm, darling I am not blessed with your metabolism or flawless skin, so I’m gonna skip the cake and ice cream part, but certainly we must meet up :) i shall duly bug him and so should you!
64. Voon | May 31st, 2008 at 8:33 am
Boo!
65. Voon | May 31st, 2008 at 8:52 pm
btw.. WHY did you cut your hair??!?!?!?
66. Fan | June 1st, 2008 at 2:14 am
Tell tell what is that dream pending for six years! Does it have anything to do with … going to US? Er, winning a trophy? Er … hint a bit!
67. Fan | June 1st, 2008 at 2:16 am
Oh, you’re traveling somewhere! Having your own column in the newspaper??? I’m dying of anticipation here!
68. chareli | June 1st, 2008 at 3:28 am
hahahaha.
WE LOVE READING PINKPAU!
i know i do. =)
NICE HAIR! YOU LOOK FRESH!
i had mine shorter too. hahaha. not as short as yours though.
69. Kevin | June 1st, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Hahaha I’m so sad cause noone wants to ask me about your xmas gift!!! =(
I would have told if more people asked me keke
You should blog about it…or at least write some twisty all those bunga bunga words to hide what it really is
And yea…show me the whole pic la omg.. I seriously kinda forget how it looks like oledi haha and for the sake of the audiences, please wear the skirt as a skirt as how it was meant to be and not a tube top please haha
If I could, I wanna post my facebook profile pic onto your blog to show my awesomeness gaya pose hahah..like hoho this is me who gave you that thing during xmas =D
70. xiaokit | June 1st, 2008 at 8:40 pm
hmm….this is the first time i read your blog de……
hmm……..so i think very nice lor……i
i am 17 year old boy…but i think your english is very very good lor…
if compare to u…my eng is truly bad…
-)
71. Miss Qian | June 1st, 2008 at 8:51 pm
What did kevin give u?
I love ur shorter hair!!
72. GraceOng | June 1st, 2008 at 10:04 pm
yeah i think i am asking it now… “Kevin, what did u give suann last christmas?”
Btw, Su Ann, you looked very very sweet in the last picture… the new hair cut suits your age…. very fresh indeed….
73. Andy | June 2nd, 2008 at 12:23 am
Loved your short hair, it brings all the charms out of you, not that you’re not charming before, but then it brings out more, err, what, I think you get the drill.
:)
74. Check the I.P. Adress | June 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 am
Lols. You look pretty, long or short hair. =) The grass is always greener on the other side. I feel like that too often lately. Competition is healthy as long as it doesn’t become obsessive and beating other ppl becomes your only goal in life. Because then, all you’re ever going to do, is live chasing after other ppl’s lives, and not making your own. It’s not about beating other ppl, it’s about getting what you want, and liking what you got. Someone is always going to have something that seems better…and even if you end up gettng it, you might realize, that it doesn’t suit you. Another thing to be wary of, is of that point in time, when you start failing to beat the competition all the time nd thus, start falling short of your own ‘expectations of yourself’. That path only leads to a downward spiral where depression at your own perceived ‘failure’ becomes your unwelcome, live-in guest. But if you ever feel like you’re losing yourseld in that way, remember all the people who love you on your blogs… =)
There will be times when you lose, times when you win. Sometimes, in order to win, you must lose something at the same time. So chose, what you wish to win the most, and what you’re willing to sacrifice for it. Remember, live for yourself, and win what makes you happy and not to emptily chase after the lives of others / what others have.
And well, don’t take all that as lecturing, take it from someone who feels you (or well, thinks they do), and has been down a similar road.. and is still kinda stuck on it… experience haha =)
75. julz | June 2nd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
nice haircut. Now you look even younger lar little girl…
feel like cutting my hair now as well…. o_O
76. Simon Seow | June 3rd, 2008 at 6:31 am
Sometimes I really doesn’t know how to differentiate a tube top with a mini skirt.
77. elaine | June 3rd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
which investment bank is martian working in?
78. Kevin | June 4th, 2008 at 2:39 am
hahah if anyone is still reading this, I’ll give a hint… part of the gift actually rotates like a wheel…only a small part though, it can be used by anyone and oh yea! it has a suction cup hahaha… ehh ah paus did you ever use the suction cup? hahaha
79. TheRealAnonymous | June 6th, 2008 at 2:59 am
I guess the rest of us won’t be getting a reply… Pinkpau bluff people wannnnnnnnnnnn ! =(
80. anna | June 6th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
you should read The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren. =)
81. Hans Michael Chi | May 17th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
What causes the heart to beat, You write. Well I say it is all about the soul. You have to fulfilll Your souldesires in life. I make psychocardiograms, they show tha characteristics wich are different with all people. Very interesting. So let Your heart speak!
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