The Homecoming
June 13th, 2008
i sometimes watch, with a little twinge of sadness, the collective pain that hovers in the stale air of train stations. i dont mean the sharp, burning, excruciating kind of pain with an urgency so engulfing that the torture completely blanks out our minds, but i mean the kind of pain that follows us around like dark shadows. the kind of pain that inhabits the back of our heads and sags our shoulders under its unkind weight. everyone at the train station looks tired and sad. sad and tired. under that roof, we are all fighting battles. we are all facing problems and dilemmas, whether at work or at home or in love or in life, involuntarily soaking ourselves in the bile of our issues as we wait for a train that will surely be too packed for us to squeeze our way into.
i had a little bit of train station pain myself the other day. it happened when the train doors closed right in my face. i cannot even begin to describe that confused feeling of discomfort and hurt that i felt as i stepped back from the moving train. it felt almost and weirdly like rejection, and it was a sensation that reminded me of every bloody hurtful and lonely moment i’ve ever had in my life. which is strange, because it was obviously an automated door that had closed in my face and no one had caused it to happen on purpose, but i think anyone who’s ever had a door closed in their face will understand how i felt that day. i realized then that this was the exact feeling that i try my very best to avoid, be it at the train station or generally in life, and that is why i never push my way forward. because i’m scared of having doors close in my face. aiming to catch the second train somehow feels a lot better than aiming to catch the first but missing it.
all my life, i’ve always been constantly searching for signs of unconditional love and belonging. i’ve realized that it’s a mark of how i grew up, feeling like i was always unwanted and that people have better things to do than tend to me. maybe that’s why i always walk away; leave them first before they leave you, that kind of thing. it’s so destructive and so sad, but so impossible to undo. i long to find a person who can make me feel like he or she will never leave me or make me feel like i’m number two. sometimes i think i’ve found these people, but i’m always proven wrong. being proven wrong is what i hate most. those damn doors that close in my face.
when i got off the train and stepped out into the balmy night air, i looked around tiredly to find the car. as i walked towards the road, i saw that the man had come out of the car and was waiting for me midway from the car to the entrance of the station. he waved to me and held out his arms. this is a man who can make me feel so wretched and unwanted, and lonely, and that i’m someone who’s not worth being there for. it was such a small gesture, this move of exiting his comfortable air-conditioned car and waiting outside in the stuffiness of KL air for me, but the unexpected unselfishness of it all broke my heart. i’m so unused to this sort of tenderness. it was glaringly painful. i spent the rest of the car ride crying quietly in the back of the car.
Entry Filed under: Musings
53 Comments Add your own
1. abby | June 13th, 2008 at 6:33 am
*hugs* people leave, but they also come back. one way or the other
2. Andy | June 13th, 2008 at 6:33 am
beautifully written.
train stations, airports, give people the same kind of feelings. you either meet, or part ways.
you’ll be fine, :) what’s with blogging early in the day?
3. chm | June 13th, 2008 at 8:10 am
c,.,,, there is alwaws a silver lining ^^
4. Gin | June 13th, 2008 at 9:01 am
=) we wuv u. much much.
5. chipmunk | June 13th, 2008 at 9:02 am
*huggies*
6. me | June 13th, 2008 at 9:22 am
he loves you very much and deep down you know that. but the world doesn’t revolve only just u. he has his hectic schedules, his commitments, his moods and his confusion too. men are not normally prone to showing their affections in obvious ways, or rather in ways that we want them to. but he loves you very much all the same. just a little growing up pains, a little self-consciousness, a little uncertainty. in no time you’ll bloom into the beautiful and confident flower that you are. (btw, nobody ever really belongs to anybody. the question is how much you give of yourself and not how much you want in return)
7. Jeff from LA | June 13th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Su Ann, I am always impressed by your writing. Not because of your style or your structure, but because of the poignancy of your writing. You allow the reader to truly step into your shoes and understand the emotion that drives your posts. That is a skill that very few people today possess.
As an attorney, I deal with many individuals whose very livelihood depends on their ability to utilize written language to express their ideas and convince others. As such, I have met many good writers, but you are a superb one.
Referring to your post, I am guessing that you are referring to your father. The sad thing is that Asians of previous (and perhaps current) generations often lack the ability to communicate affection. We rarely say “I love you,” we don’t compliment one another enough, and we often fail to share our true feelings with those we love. I’m sure he (whether it be your father or not) really does love you, even if it is very difficult for him to communicate that love to you.
8. kei | June 13th, 2008 at 10:44 am
i hate how sometimes, the people who matters most have the greatest power to hurt me-just because i expect too much.. =(
its so cool how everyone commenting have their own interpretation of what you’re writing on heeheee
9. foreverjas | June 13th, 2008 at 11:37 am
i’m your fan!!!! i love u lots pink pau! =)
10. Emily T | June 13th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I don’t ride trains much but I could imagine myself as one of the many people at the train station, looking exactly how you’d described - sad and tired and world-weary, with impossible battles to fight. I’ve been feeling like this all week, and it’s comforting to know that I have a post written, in some ways, about me. Heh. And I can totally second the part where you wrote about being proven wrong time and time again about the people who would always be there for you. Sigh!
11. ronin | June 13th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I’m guessing that that man is your father as well. It is never easy being a father. It is probably one of the most misunderstood and unrewarded job in this world. Between showing love/affection and trying to gain some sort of authority/respect from children, there’s simply no fine line here.
I’ve been following your blog for a long time. By reading your posts, I can see that you’ve a most interesting life. I don’t have the details, but your father must be quite amazing and accommodative. I’m sure in letting you live the life you see fit, he’s probably also suffering from fits from worrying about your well being. I know I’ll be damn worried for my children if they attended the Bersih rally last year.
I’m sure he would have reprimanded you from time to time, but what else a father is suppose to do. (Arghh, I’m so long winded today, for all I know the man you mentioned may not even be your father. Pls ignore this smart ass than!)
My father is not perfect, I’m not perfect. But I try to start everyday on the right note by saying ‘I love you’ to my two young boys.
This weekend’s Father Day is a perfect opportunity to show some appreciation!
12. tze | June 13th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
i was feeling wretched yesterday, also for the same reasons. i think u and i are quite alike. cheras ma wtf. =(
13. sheon | June 13th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
haapy father’s day….. :)
14. grace | June 13th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
haha..i luv ur writing bcz u write out exactly how i feel sometimes bt i owez can’t put them in words that beautifully.
thumbs up!
the saddest thing is, yes is the feeling of being rejected, so i tend to walkaway 1st, every single time..zzz
15. iamthewitch | June 13th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I’ve learnt not to expect and hence not to get disappointed. I’m not sure but I don’t think there’s such a thing as unconditional love. There’s always a condition. Always.
16. Yang | June 13th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
just wanted to say i really like your written works. I’ve never had patience for lines and lines of words and instead, i’ll just press on the ((pagedown)) key to browse for pictures on blogs or sites. But in your case its totally different. I could spend hours reading every word you write and really, it inspires me too. balatatata, “im lovin it”. haha.
As for this post, no questioning in how readers would feel exactly what you felt. I read through previous post that you did not have a good relationship with your dad and sometimes you guys just don’t talk. I had moments similar to that too when the man in the family just have to keep the cool. Well things will turn around i believe and do pray for it to turn faster :) And bout unconditional love, i think that phrase is overly- often heard in churches :) you get what i mean?
Keep it up !!! :)
17. Waifon | June 13th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Pau don’t cry quietly at the back of the car. I give you tissue nah. I don’t know what else to say because if you are talking about your dad, I feel the same way too. All that sudden and random niceties, it’s a bit too awkward. My dad kissed me on the cheek the other day. I immediately wipe that wet spot away and made a face wtf. then i walked back into my room and cried. terharu wtf. i forgot that somewhere inside my dad, there lies a soft spot for mushy stuff like that. despite the gungho look that he upholds and all the bitter arguments we had. feelings like that do not come often but when it hits, it hits me really bad. i’ll feel all unworthy and regretful hmmm :/
happy father’s day, uncle lim. And daddy :)
ok if this post is not about your dad, harap maaf paiseh wtf. dahla siap beremo in the comment hahah. are you going for TEN!!
18. jaSmine e. | June 13th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
simply put, i know exactly how u feel.
i just wanted to say, keep up the good work!~ im an avid reader and not-so-fantastic blogger, and i think u have managed to translate the emotions and thoughts beautifully into words;; i only wished i could be as articulate;)
xOxO~
PS - i <3 Death Cab for Cutie !
19. TSL | June 13th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Sometimes. I wonder why they never showed it to us when we were young? Why do they wait till we are older to show us their affection? Haven’t they thought that what if we are no longer accustomed to these sort of gestures? It’s like trying to lit up a candle that has already been buried years ago. That heart-wrenching pain is so unbearable at times. Sometimes. people around us will never understand the uneasiness, discomfort and anger that we stall in our heart. As easy as it may seem to be for us to say that we should forgive and forget, I think no one truly understand what one is going through till we actually experience it ourselves.
20. Michelle | June 13th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
=(
I need a hug. Let’s hug each other and wipe our tears away.
21. ahem` | June 13th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
such a beautiful and honest post. i lost my dad a couple of yrs ago and never got the chance ever since to show how much i love him. i live through each day remembering how much he used to love me and i bet he still does, in heaven.
22. rupert | June 13th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
This feels like such a ‘comments off’ post! but beautifully written, well done.
23. CloudyRainbows | June 13th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I do the same thing, leaving before I am left. I also know that there is the slight possibility that things may not turn out the way I predicted them. However many situations have proven me right and somehow the regret I feel isn’t as much as it used to be. Sounds awfully cynical…
24. Ping Ping | June 13th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
I actually has the same feeling with u. Well not that the train has closed the door on me before, not many chance to sit on the train cause there’s none in penang. But yea, I have the same fear for rejection and often decided to leave better than to be left. T.T So sad weih…
Like this how to be happy???
25. almost loved | June 13th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
train stations and airports make me feel so miserable. airports to be exact, with the recent events that has happened in my life. departure can be so wrenching especially when you don’t know when your next arrival will be. wretched is such an appropriate word.
I suppose the man is your father. at least you can see him whenever you want. :)
26. joiz3 | June 13th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
hi su ann. =) i’ve been reading your blog for quite some time and this is the first ever time i’m commenting.i have a great interest in writing and i’ve always admired your writing. you have the ability to clearly speak out whatever that is in my heart. the kind of feeling that i often have a problem with putting into words. and you always succeed in doing it beautifully. =)
what compelled me to comment after so long is that this post succeeded in putting what i feel recently into words so exactly that it’s quite freaky. we have the same thing going through our minds. oh yes the feeling when a door is slammed into your face. i love the way you described about how every single person is battling beneath the tired and sad faces of them. beneath those tired faces, there surely is this huge sense of insecurity in every person that i meet everyday that causes human beings to be so screwed up. i’ve always wondered what’s the story beneath all the random people i bump into everyday… at the train station, or bus stop. there’s just so many life’s stories around us everyday!
keep up the good writing! =)
27. hw | June 13th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
5/5 emo
=p jk . beautiful post . sometimes i wish i could write just like you.
father’s day is around the corner, and I just realised that I haven’t planned anything in the midst of getting all caught up with work these past few days. I read your post again, and it struck me how my dad’s been real good to me ie sending me to and from the train stations, driving me wherever I ask him to even though he was halfway doing something of his own, getting things done for me without even me asking him to, and basically just being there for me the entire time…
at the end of the year my parents will be migrating to australia with my brother, and i’ll be staying back for my own reasons.. happy i was initially that i’ll be by myself and be totally independent, but somehow now i’m not looking forward to that and i’ll be missing the unconditional tlc that i receive day after day from them not just via their gestures and simple questions of ‘have you eaten dinner? want me to buy anything back for you? ‘ but also their presence in the house that they built for my brothers, for them, and for me.
getting all emo now, but yeah. see what your posts do to people? :P
28. nyrac | June 13th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
*bear hugs*
i understand exactly. the man who makes us feel like sometimes we are a mistake made many years ago, is also the one who’ll love us, give us the best they can afford, and protect us no matter what, it’s biologically programmed in them.
29. fern | June 13th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
you almost always come off as happy, positive and confident. i sometimes forget that you’re human..
very brave, and so open - beautifully written :)
30. ruehyinn | June 13th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
You never know among all the tired face, they are people that really care for you. Not many of them…that is why they are called gem! Treasure what’s around you and you will realized that you only need these few people to move on in life.
31. KY | June 14th, 2008 at 2:25 am
you’re just a sucker for the ice cream, admit it su ann!
32. xiao | June 14th, 2008 at 2:38 am
*tears along*
your writing evokes the most unseen emotions of everyday life.. thank you for sharing that wonderful piece
33. quin | June 14th, 2008 at 11:12 am
su ann, you are so….*insert flattery* <3
34. christine | June 14th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
be strong :)
35. xiaokit | June 14th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
u will found that person who always make u feel number 1 in the future……..
36. entwined | June 15th, 2008 at 12:20 am
sorry for the late reply, just came back from phuket to find the most amazing news breaking on quaintly.net.
YES DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!! YES YES YES!!!!!! *hops madly*
i feel so touched that you remembered i’m a fan *teary sniff* I LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY SU ANN!!! hahaha
(sorry to post this completely unsuitable reple here, but i’m too excited!)
leopard costume is damn sexy, but like you said, it might be too common. i’d go for the ladybird cos its cute and unique and the cape makes you look like a superhero! :)
37. disillusioned | June 15th, 2008 at 9:28 am
been quietly reading your blog for quite some time now. never left comments but absolutely love the way you express yourself without revealing much.
i guess the only place one could even get a remote sense of belonging and unconditional love is family. even then, its not all peaches and cream eh. =(
38. Voooooon | June 15th, 2008 at 9:46 am
hehe life is like a bad football game. frustrating and sad. slow abd cruel. but every once in a while, a spark of magic occurs. and it makes it all worth it =)
btw… SU ANNNNNNN i wanna go see death cab for cutie!!!!!!!!! and i think im gonna be in kl then!!!!! where do u get tickets?
39. ap | June 15th, 2008 at 11:32 am
this recalls the weary solitude i felt so many a time slumped against those hard-backed seats on a train everywhere it is the same alone traveling with our unbearable selves. but dear pinkpau i hope that u will find comfort at the end of the train ride as the door opens and u are released to seek the people who will open their arms to you and do more for you than you thought they would
40. Mei | June 15th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I have to agree with the comment from yang, no.16. I too never have the patience to read a blog post filled with words. I only look out for pictures. be it poser pics or food pics or scenery etc. as long as it is just pics. but when it comes to quaintly.net, i just cant help it but to read. u amaze me. i just love how u play with ur words.
im pretty sure everyone had their fair share of rejections. to those of u who walked out before getting rejected, i salute u. i cant do that. i mean i can but i just dont know how. there was once in my relationship where i can see “the bad day” coming my way. i didnt walk out of it. instead, he walked out on me. and i was hurt terribly, till this very day although it happened approx 2 years, coming to 3 years. i was trying to patch things up but obviously it failed. and everytime i believed i had moved on, he will tell me how much he misses me and all and disappears after that. and this keeps repeating every few months. how am i to move on like this?
41. Cherrie | June 15th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
sigh whenever i read your musings and emo posts it just feels like as though someone else is reading my mind and writing down my thoughts.
nevertheless, i really admire the way you write though. :) i wish you luck and happiness always.
42. Miss C | June 15th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
love your emo-ness. hahaha! seriously. one men should appreciate instead of complain about. ;)
43. k0k | June 15th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
My dad waits outside the car because he doesn’t want to waste petrol keeping the air-cond running.
Or so he said :)
This is my second favourite post of yours. My favourite, incidentally, is also about your father.
P.S. I don’t know if it’s appropriate here but I just want to let you know I ripped one of your ball ideas for our college ball. Actually, the theme was already decided weeks ago - Red Carpet, voted by the student council, but I was charged with thinking up an alternative theme which is less generic. I tried to sell them the idea of a Rajputana themed ball (which they shot down cos they have enough of India already). So I gave them your idea of actually giving out real Awards in that Red Carpet themed ball they voted on. They love it. Oh, and they say thanks to you, by the way :)
44. chareli | June 15th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
hey i know this is very random but here it is anyway…
http://www.scavengeinc.com/costumes/animalbug/ladybugcostume-p-4732.html
http://www.scavengeinc.com/costumes/animalbug/daisybug-p-4695.html
i’ll return to reread this post when i’m more free. haha. =)
45. Jeff | June 16th, 2008 at 12:14 am
*awwwh* PinkPau.. I feel ya.. been rejected so many times I could hardly remembered how many has it been.. *hugs* Don’t feel bad ya.. and mostly don’t give up.. I face rejections, outcast-ing, unwanted and more which I’ll be heartbroken to mention about it.. However, I guess sometimes we call it fate, but most of the time it is known as LIFE.. All we gotta do, is always hope for the best, don’t desert your friends (never! for they might need you), give your best and surely you’ll be rewarded somehow.. though I’ve never seen much reward coming my way, but I ain’t gonna give up cause it sure will knock on my door one day! So you shouldn’t be sad about it.. Look at things from the brighter side k? *winks*
Here’s something for ya..
Click HERE to see my rejections.. Might be able to cheer ya up.. ^^ toodles *boink boink*
46. Huai Bin | June 16th, 2008 at 1:59 am
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s called agape - unconditional love. I think there’s only one person in my life that is able to provide me with that kind of love and the official celebration for that person’s day is June 15th. ;)
47. UncleJosh | June 16th, 2008 at 2:00 am
as we move along in life, we depart from people we care and probably the ones we love most…
there are also times where we would normally take things for granted without ourself realising… and most often, we’re the ones taken for granted too but still there are still things worth our time and effort to maintain.
keep your head high and smile… your smiles are much prettier than your frowns ^_^
it was nice to bump into you time after time again… and finally able to talk to you again at made of honour… (:
48. Huai Bin | June 16th, 2008 at 2:01 am
BTW, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Silver lining and all that. It’s all true. Chin up, I’ve had my fair share of rejection (of all sorts) but it all works out in the end. Take care Su Ann.
49. Alex | June 16th, 2008 at 9:43 am
i’ve been clamped by nyc trains for a while now…they leave these horrendous black industrial grease marks on your clothes…
50. Albert Ng | June 17th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I’m touched that you recognize the gesture of him waiting outside.
51. michellesy | June 18th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Dear Su Ann,
The relationship between father and daughter can sometimes be tenuous, and fragile, and fraught with the weight of so many things left unsaid.
And it’s always, always the ones closest to you who possess the power to leave the deepest scar. Because, who better to plunge a knife into your heart, than the person you’re clasping to it?
I can truly say I speak from experience, and yes, the sting of that initial rejection, that feeling of never being good enough, the constraint that comes from dealing in a love that comes with strings attached, never goes away. Thereafter every door slammed in your face and every no meted out to you, recalls that moment when you first realised that you’ll never come first with that person whose approval you most crave.
But Su Ann, it’s obvious that your father loves you so very much, and that his love is reciprocated. And that is why you are a more fortunate daughter that I’ll ever be =)
52. Liz | June 19th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Hey. Poignantly written. I think at some point of our lives we felt that way, when the door slams at your face. I think we are similar in one aspect, I have always searched for the unconditional love and yes, I want my loved one’s world to revolve around me and me alone. i think i am more extreme that you in that case.
but look on the bright side. he stood outside in the stuffy KL air to wait for you.
and although that is a simple gesture, it is one of love. do appreciate what you have, i sometimes really really envy you- all you have, beauty, brains, columbia, etc etc.. (my dad treats me very well, although sometimes i feel unloved anyway… but somehow i don’t think you are talking bout your dad XD )
oh, sorry bout leaving a novel as a comment. but lastly, you said “aiming to catch the second train somehow feels a lot better than aiming to catch the first but missing it.”
i missed the one of the most important train ride of my life. but despite the tears, i seek solace in knowing that the second will come by, and i can board that one instead. life goes on, so don’t stop chasing the train. =)
53. skeat | June 30th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
aww dont be sad now :(
well i guess it happens to everybody. the feeling of rejection. it sucks, we know. we all share the familiar lament in life. but do cheer up! (which i think you are quite capable of) i’m sure you can find any cheap thrill to amuse yourself. Haha! :D
Oh and like everybody else, i shall comment on how this post was written. :p
beautifully written. doubtlesly, you’re a really wonderful writer. i’ve always adore the way you convey your feelings into words.
keep writing alright. take care. :)
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