Living Life Unbuttoned

August 3rd, 2008

there’s this pair of jeans that goes by the tagline – ‘live unbuttoned’. i stared at the tagline for the longest time the other day, and gave it some thought. what does it mean to live unbuttoned?

most of us, i think, in some way or another, live our lives – be it just a small part of ourselves or in entirety – in a buttoned, stifling, closed-up state. some of us choose not to let themselves love easily for fear of getting hurt; some others have this one love of their life whom they long to touch and be close to, but have to hold themselves back because that person is not and will never be theirs. and then there are those of us who are stuck in a lifetime of forever portraying themselves as someone they are not, having to keep up appearances to meet expectations, wondering if this endless cycle of doing what they hate is ever going to end.

as for me, i have always been the type to love cautiously. the moment i start loving someone, there’s always this panicky voice at the back of my head that tells me i shouldn’t put myself so far out there. and so i quickly withdraw myself, and only love as much as i am loved. the problem with this is that if the other person is just like me, then our relationship is doomed, because neither one is ever going to love the other person unconditionally. it becomes this stunted love that won’t grow.

i’ve never actually been left by any of my boyfriends. i’ve been hurt by them, yes, but never have i been fallen out of love with, dumped for someone better, or simply left to be alone. in this aspect, i am spoiled, but i am not ignorant of the fact that it could one day happen to me. and so in a warped attempt to protect myself, i always scare myself with the idea that i’m going to be hurt; that the people i care most about can and will eventually turn around and break my heart into pieces, and then leave me to lick my wounds alone. i’ve become scared to love. i’m scared to be the one in the relationship who gives and gives and find out way too late that it’s all in vain.

and that’s why i love cautiously, because i don’t ever want to one day find myself in the situation where i love this one person with all my heart, but he leaves me, and i never saw it coming in the first place.

i would like to tell you that i am no longer like this today, but the sad truth is that i still am very much like that. i’m still this panicked girl who holds back from loving the other person more than he loves me. it’s selfish and it’s unfair, i know. especially since i have this great guy who loves me and forgives me no matter how many times i have hurt him in the past, and always opens his arms to me when i realize i’ve done something wrong. and even when i refuse to accept that i am wrong, he comes to get me anyway. he comes to save me from the bathtub, or comes to wrap his arms around me when i’m seething in self-righteousness in the other room.

i have this great guy, and yet i love him with buttons on. why am i still holding back? i think it’s about time that i love – and live – unbuttoned :) i can’t and won’t have him think that i love him less than he loves me, because the truth is i love him so much more than that. i love him so much it hurts. he has to know that. and i will prove it to him. i’ll prove to him that I’m in this for the long run, and that i’ll work just as hard at this as he is. i want him to know that he’s the one who made me love and live unbuttoned.

hi baby. are you reading this? you’re the one who made me live unbuttoned. i love you :)

The Great Columbia Clock is still ticking away. i have so little time left. when i am there, i am going to be so scared. scared because i don’t know what’s happening back home, scared that Martian will meet someone else he likes more and leave me. scared that i’ll be lonely. but then i’ll come back to this post, read it, remember how i felt at this point in time, and i’ll be better again.

the jeans that Martian and i are wearing in this post are the Levi’s® 501® :)

Entry Filed under: Advertorial, Musings

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