The Peanut Butter Cup Lipbalm
October 19th, 2008
it feels to me like a day so far away; a day that seems like it could have been fabricated from the deceiving threads of deja vu. i remember being tired and slightly hungover, but feeling so much better when i saw him. we joked, laughed and shared stories - and i revisit this from present time with a jaded cynicism - while walking amongst colorful make-up and crazy wigs. despite a lot of discredit against his self from mutual friends, this was a person i cared a lot about, and genuinely wanted to see happy. i always felt like i wanted to help him, or at the very least, listen and try to understand his point of view whenever he needed to talk. in warfare, i was always on his side in a kind of blind loyalty. when i thought someone was harming him, i would get defensive and protective. in retrospect… it was so silly of me. there are few people in this world that i hate more than him right now. and i remember how we waited so eagerly for a third person to arrive that night - we comprised this sick threesome when she got there. wave wave hug hug. and for what? to this day i still bristle at the sound of her name.
these were two relationships gone horribly wrong, but it was bound to happen. and for many reasons, i’m glad it happened sooner than later. these days i completely avoid anyone who remotely resembles them in aura; i can only put up with so many pressure cookers and airbags. you’d be surprised to know that there are more of the type than you’d think. two years ago, it felt to me like there were no such people on this planet. and so i question… as we all grow older, is it true that friendship becomes more and more of a utility? are all people vultures? do dogs really eat dogs?
lately, i feel like i cant trust anyone anymore. the people who pretend to listen, cant fucking keep their mouths shut. everyone has an ulterior motive. everyone is looking out for their own selves. everyone is hypocritical. everyone has no principles. the horizon is looking bleak. i think back to friday afternoons in standard 5 at sueling’s house - we would order pizza and sit around playing scotland yard in our PE clothes. PE clothes (the colored sports house tshirt and the white shorts) were what you brought to school on fridays if you were going to ’stay back’. when you ’stay back’, you either hang around the school playing badminton or basketball, or go to a nearby friend’s house, or stay in the school building working on a team project. such a simple system. so happy and carefree. friends were friends. when we were at sueling’s house, we always didnt want to go home. and if our parents didnt let us stay the evening, we would get upset. pepperoni pizza from domino’s felt like a lifesaver.
what else is bugging me… ah, that undercover issue. i still dont really know if it’s happening. i’m starting to think that this whole affair is bullshit. if i could muster up the biggest accusation possible, i would say that they were banking on collective loyalty and giving the rewards to the most disloyal of us all. no, you’re right, i dont think it’s fair. yes, it disturbs me to no end. it disturbs me that i am disturbed by this. this should be trivial to me, but i can spend hours picking apart the stories and the words to find just the smallest of clues that will prove vindicating. of course, i always find the clues. i just dont know what to do with them as i hold them in my hands.
it’s been a long night. i feel hazy. i really hate this feeling of losing control. as i slipped under, i struggled to ask myself, do the fish mind the noise?
Entry Filed under: General
43 Comments Add your own
1. zj | October 19th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Human beings are indeed, always looking after themselves at first priority. And the instincts always always failed us, at least for me. And thats when i sleep through the whole night just to move along.
Yet, the warm of distance between human do exist. And sometimes, it just takes you more than a decade to know but you'll know eventually. Those small memoirs you included are the existing trace of proof. :)
And yes fish DO mind voice. Nemo!
Sigh complicated universe.
2. reallybites | October 19th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I won't comment on the trust thingi as I myself have major trust issues and I'm probably one of the lousiest listeners out there. This is like a no comment comment haha .
3. ap | October 19th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
it seems to me the process of growing older….. friendship just doesn't occur naturally anymore, it takes so much effort and yet has none of the quality one used to take for granted, people are too busy trying to appear self-sufficient and independent. nothing sticks. easy come easy go. not like in pri. sch, can threaten DUN FWEN U and reap desired results :p
4. mchllchn | October 19th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Even being 17, I'm facing really hypocritical people. I have had a “friend” who pretends to listen to me bawl and my painful story. She only needed a hug and a packet of tissue into making me think my secret's secured with her. But noooo, big mistake! Because the next day, the whole school knew. -____- Wtfness, I know. (I am smarter now. Eh heh!)
HOWEVAARR,
There ARE people who look out for us. Those that really care. They do exist! It's okay to trust someone! :D But you have to make very, very sure they are the ones who genuinely hope to see you do good. And happy. :) Although difficult to find, they are there. :) Have faith, Su Ann!
*throws you good luck for mid-terms!* :D :D
5. SL | October 19th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Soooo trueee!!!
I have a friend who dislike me or mayb hate me still pretend to be nice to me. She even said that she treats me like a sister?!!
BUT I KNOW SHE DON'T LIKE ME!!! (some incident happened)
Why even pretend then? Why not just stop pretending?
T_T fucking hate this. two face no good person.
On the bright side, there are still people who really CARES! :)
6. EVo | October 19th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Su Ann! you drama queen la…hehe.
Relax and sleep it over. the next day always feels better, despite no change to the situation. works for me :) ah,but i have a short memory ^^
Or if you come by my blog it might make your day. who knows :P
7. Angeline | October 19th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
*pat pat*
Why peanut buttercup lipbalm ?
8. Ping Ping | October 19th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Apparently, once you step into uni, you can hardly find someone you can trust. No one cares about you. They will walk away leaving you feeling lost and don't even feel guilty about it. They will complain to you about what others do to them but will never once look at what they do to others or even you.
And there you are, feeling pity for them till you are so sick of it one day, you decided to close the door and just be alone. I've seen selfish people but here in uni, they are the ultimate selfish people. Seriously, I am shocked to see such people around.
In your life, you'll perhaps find one or two you can totally trust and that's about it. I guess we should not be greedy. We can never expect people to be standing by us and supporting us and keep our secrets. We should really buy chicken and give as offerings if we have a handful.
9. liyuan | October 19th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
i wish you well =)
10. Grouchy Smurf | October 19th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
do what i do. try the donald duck therapy.
step 1. redirect all your blood to your head. make sure your head turns blood red and grows to at least triple the size.
step 2. start blabbering unintelligible swearing while waving your fists in the air. (jumping violently is optional)
step 3. with speed of light, circle your antagonizing target in a cloud of smoke while continuing to wave/swing your fists like a mad duck.
step 4. this is when you realize you are not a duck, and you have just gave yourself a couple hits with your own fists. thus you sit down and decide to let it go, forgive the barbarous, inconsiderate ninkampoops, and tell yourself, you shall not be further burdened by thoughts of their betrayal. you shall not have your emotional strength drained by their hate-inducing actions. its not worth your time. they'r not worth another second of your thought. isnt it better to spend that inny-meenie-brain-strength to think how lovely the colors of autumn is… how cute that squirrel amongst the fallen leaves is…
spare your thoughts for more productive uses. think of what you can do to make someone else's day. im sure its much more satisfying than negative thoughts of hate. i dont know 'bout you, but to hate is blardy tiring. try grouching. it works for me. bah! look what you made me do! i nearly forgot to sound grouchy! bah! i hate you!
11. sixthseal.com | October 19th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
I have noticed that too - back in high school, friends were just friends. Now, in working life, “friends” are more like people you need a favor from or might need one from in the future and vice versa.
Everyone seems so superficial, and relationships are not as good as it was back in the days. It's like a system of using each other for things instead of actually liking each other.
I think I can count the number of real friends I have in one hand.
All the best Su Ann, and cheer up! Muaks! Take care!
12. sweatlee | October 20th, 2008 at 1:51 am
i trust people too too easily and i forgive people easily too, so i never know who to trust or not so i end up trusting everyone anyway. do u get what i mean? i think i'm still not grown up yet but i like my world like this now
13. MIchelle | October 20th, 2008 at 3:56 am
Friendship becomes difficult overtime. I have this new flatmate who tells me that I should socialize more and put down this barrier of mine and to learn how to trust again. She's a great person but sometime's I question myself, if the world is really that nice. But she says that with all the expectations we made, and most failed, we will be able to glean a handful of jewels out of it. It takes time.
No matter how cruel the world is, there's still some worth your attention.
I hope you'll come over this, Su Ann.
14. kiasu andrew | October 20th, 2008 at 4:43 am
darling come to swarthmore and we shall cuddle with a bottle of champagne and laugh at sarah palin
15. carolyong | October 20th, 2008 at 7:36 am
can i join too hahaha oooooohhhh =P
16. Jon Jon | October 20th, 2008 at 7:55 am
“i can only put up with so many pressure cookers and airbags”
Thanks for the wake up call =)! I too can only put up with so many, tho I never thought of them as such till those words entered my line of thought.
17. dodotay | October 20th, 2008 at 7:55 am
hello…
18. No.44444 | October 20th, 2008 at 9:07 am
“it’s been a long night. i feel hazy. i really hate this feeling of losing control. as i slipped under, i struggled to ask myself, do the fish mind the noise?”
————————————————————————————————
Yes. STOP CRYING DAMN IT LET THE FISHIES SLEEP. Pooor poor fishies. :(
Probably another case of guy gets angry over a perceived 'cheating' girlfriend and does something hateful, then the whole circle of friends feed on the gossip while a small percentage of truly caring people pick a side and show needed support… and the so called 'war' begins. Blargghhh. No thank you.
I SAY WE ALL FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF THIS SHINING YOUNG LADY BELOW. >:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86Otzxaw0cU
19. songjun | October 20th, 2008 at 10:18 am
aper terjadi?
eh so cute u have a fish tank! haha
20. KY | October 20th, 2008 at 11:13 am
please don't let the fish die, lim su ann!
21. Aunty | October 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Every thing happens for a reason. Just be patient and in time, those reasons will be answered for you. Sometimes, the big question is 'Why is this happening to me?'. The answer to the question is, every day that we wake up, we are gaining incredible knowledge, experience and wisdom. Cherish these moments, hold them close to your heart, for these are the lessons of life.
Live today, for today only, as you cannot change yesterday or begin to understand tomorrow.
22. py | October 20th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
With reference to para 4.
Omg we're so alike. >.<
23. Irene | October 20th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
i guess as we grow older, we start walking towards different paths in our lives, and we start changing our priorities. and for some people, friendship simply do not place as high a position in their lives as it used to. and somehow, they've moved on, but we haven't. we're stuck in the same spot, abandoned, betrayed. and then we move on, except we don't.
our memories, our experiences stay with us, shape us, make us who we are. these experiences aren't pleasant and they hurt deeply. all we can do is breathe, walk away and truly, move on.
24. Jinny | October 20th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
sighhh. some of the sentences u put up there really fits with what i'm going through now, only it has nothing to do with guys, just a friend. a while ago i felt so lost and despaired that i really needed to talk to someone, but there was no one that was right, you know what i mean? i got over it myself after reading some funny stuffs. i suspect that it will come back to haunt me soon, but after reading some of the comments your readers left, i'm hoping not =) i think you're awesome, and there'll always be people who will betray you for no reasonable reason, but i guess if you stop trusting people completely then you'll have lost, even though this isn't really a game at all.
i hope you're okayyy. it's all right to take time to be miserable about the shit that happens, but if you take too long a time then it'll be a waste for you. cheer up yeahh =)
25. thegeekinpink | October 20th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
So I've been watching gossip girls and it occured to me that's my high school life, except that I was the alienated Blair in season 1 episode 13 for the entire five years. Then it never occured to me that the whole world is like that, with very few exceptions of the people in our lives. Hungry, selfish, eating off its own pack of friends.
I'm a very socially inept person in general, I clam up in groups of people, picking friends choosing people to talk to. Then I realise those are the people who I shouldn't be talking to in the first place because they draw up the memories of high school.
Then I realise the people who matter, they're the ones who appear in your life out of the blue. There's not too much effort yet a lot of effort. Cherish those.
26. sheon | October 20th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
i am blessed with many loyal frens. and i am indeed grateful.
pizza was never on my menu until my uni-days. i was a village sua-ku. hahaha…
27. kreazi | October 20th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Did I spot a haloween pumpkin there? Hehehehe.. Don't get too upset with troubles and pain that friends inflict upon urself. Part and parcel of life I would say. You're only 20… as life's “surprises” unfold when you get older each year, you will find that there are bigger things you should worry yourself sick with :P Happy or not, also have to live on, right? Cheer up LIM SU ANN!
28. authentic aunt | October 20th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
hmmmm….another aunty? ….ahahar….your blog resonates with the “ah sohs” !! ….hehehehe….*background noise of long high pitch laugh & banal chattter*
29. Gin | October 20th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
OF ALL PETS U GET FISH FIRST!! *O* REMEMBER TO FEED AND CLEAN THEM. wtf
30. luxfare | October 20th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
can we just stop at step 3? ^^
31. luxfare | October 20th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
dun worry pau…… there are a group of ppl who will never betray u….. which of course as u can guess……drum roll…………… US! we r always at ur bck pau ^^
32. Charlie | October 20th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Goodness. What happened??
I don't really know what advice to give; I have terrible trust issues as well and I don't know how to get rid of them. But I can offer you some sympathy and reassurance that I'm not waiting for you to drop dead so I can pick at your bones.
*e-hug*
33. Grace | October 21st, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Is that a spidey lamp? Aiyo, so cute!
34. jane doe | October 21st, 2008 at 6:09 pm
don't be sad!
35. estherrr | October 22nd, 2008 at 12:12 am
i only get a part of your post but the thing about friends - we always start with a whole lot but only so few will be there to hear about our 37th dye job to keep the gray hairs from sight.
but there'll always be at least one person we can trust without having to think twice. and there're gonna be those who're seen more as a burden than the friend he/she once was. i think of it as like springcleaning, 'cept it doesn't happen as often. not that i like cutting off contact with friends but some of us've changed so much it's as if we don't even speak the same language anymore.
36. aya | October 22nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
this is irrelevant but.. you found peanut butter cup lip balm?
37. No.44444 | October 22nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I think Pinkpau is obsessive with her lip balms. Especially peanut butter flavor wow it's really quite delicious. She will apply and apply and apply it, even though it's completely pointless, the first time is already enough !
Therefore it is a reference of this situation, eventhough she realizes that she cannot do anything to remedy the situation, she still worries about it. Endlessly.
I SAY WE ALL FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF THIS SHINING YOUNG LADY BELOW. >:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86Otzxaw0cU
38. pinkpau | October 22nd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
honeybunny, you do realize that the new comments system logs all comments that you have posted previously right? anyway, while it's kinda funny how you're overanalyzing my life, you shouldnt. it's pretty futile and my life isnt going to be the subject of discussion in a literary group anytime soon :)
39. Mabel | October 22nd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Cheer up!~ And throw…many many good luck to Pinkpau. Cheers.
40. Michelle | October 23rd, 2008 at 11:02 am
i agree with you. it's not about no one you can trust. perhaps, you should put it this way *no one you should trust*. i guess this might make you feel better. at least you dont need to feel upset when someone betrays you. *hugs* you will feel fine once again, dear. tomorrow will be a better day, cheers! :)
41. Bunbread | October 23rd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
God bless you for your midterms!
I got back my results for my end-of-year exams this week and they were all right. :D
42. Bunbread | October 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Oh sorry, my comment was for your latest post. :X
43. Ned | November 2nd, 2008 at 3:11 pm
PInkpau, you are so hot, smart and sweet. I have been reading this blog for about 4 months now. Not sure how I found it originally, and I am not a blog reader, but I think I love you!
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