it feels to me like a day so far away; a day that seems like it could have been fabricated from the deceiving threads of deja vu. i remember being tired and slightly hungover, but feeling so much better when i saw him. we joked, laughed and shared stories – and i revisit this from present time with a jaded cynicism – while walking amongst colorful make-up and crazy wigs. despite a lot of discredit against his self from mutual friends, this was a person i cared a lot about, and genuinely wanted to see happy. i always felt like i wanted to help him, or at the very least, listen and try to understand his point of view whenever he needed to talk. in warfare, i was always on his side in a kind of blind loyalty. when i thought someone was harming him, i would get defensive and protective. in retrospect… it was so silly of me. there are few people in this world that i hate more than him right now. and i remember how we waited so eagerly for a third person to arrive that night – we comprised this sick threesome when she got there. wave wave hug hug. and for what? to this day i still bristle at the sound of her name.
these were two relationships gone horribly wrong, but it was bound to happen. and for many reasons, i’m glad it happened sooner than later. these days i completely avoid anyone who remotely resembles them in aura; i can only put up with so many pressure cookers and airbags. you’d be surprised to know that there are more of the type than you’d think. two years ago, it felt to me like there were no such people on this planet. and so i question… as we all grow older, is it true that friendship becomes more and more of a utility? are all people vultures? do dogs really eat dogs?
lately, i feel like i cant trust anyone anymore. the people who pretend to listen, cant fucking keep their mouths shut. everyone has an ulterior motive. everyone is looking out for their own selves. everyone is hypocritical. everyone has no principles. the horizon is looking bleak. i think back to friday afternoons in standard 5 at sueling’s house – we would order pizza and sit around playing scotland yard in our PE clothes. PE clothes (the colored sports house tshirt and the white shorts) were what you brought to school on fridays if you were going to ’stay back’. when you ’stay back’, you either hang around the school playing badminton or basketball, or go to a nearby friend’s house, or stay in the school building working on a team project. such a simple system. so happy and carefree. friends were friends. when we were at sueling’s house, we always didnt want to go home. and if our parents didnt let us stay the evening, we would get upset. pepperoni pizza from domino’s felt like a lifesaver.
what else is bugging me… ah, that undercover issue. i still dont really know if it’s happening. i’m starting to think that this whole affair is bullshit. if i could muster up the biggest accusation possible, i would say that they were banking on collective loyalty and giving the rewards to the most disloyal of us all. no, you’re right, i dont think it’s fair. yes, it disturbs me to no end. it disturbs me that i am disturbed by this. this should be trivial to me, but i can spend hours picking apart the stories and the words to find just the smallest of clues that will prove vindicating. of course, i always find the clues. i just dont know what to do with them as i hold them in my hands.
it’s been a long night. i feel hazy. i really hate this feeling of losing control. as i slipped under, i struggled to ask myself, do the fish mind the noise?
