some thoughts, before my descent into the pits of final exam-induced hermitage:

i cant believe half of my freshman year is going to be over in a matter of two weeks. isn’t it crazy? life here still feels like an extended holiday. sometimes i catch traces of a make-believe world in my daily undertakings – like realizing too late that i bought toiletries in small quantities once again, and that i wrote my KL address and phone numbers on yet another sign-up sheet.

my brain is also stuck back home in a system where it’s easy to score A’s and one is taught that all battles can be fought with the perfected art of regurgitation. i’m trying my hardest not to make this an excuse for doing badly, but my hardwiring definitely still bears the distinct marks of a malaysian craftmanship. despite my best efforts at abstaining, i still keep fretting over using all the ‘right keywords’ when i’m writing my econs essays, cos back home it doesnt matter what blather you write, just so long as all the kata-kata kunci are there, right. i keep thinking that if i write anything that’s even a slight deviation from the textbook, i’ll get penalized.

and the math.. dont even get me started on the roundabout ways they study math here. for some inexplicable reason, merely getting the answer or knowing how to get it isn’t enough – you also have to understand all the laws and theories behind how you get all the answers, and you have to know how to prove these laws and theories. take a look at my extra credit assignment and you’ll see what i mean. sigh. if anyone wants to help me with my extra credit assignment, you are more than welcome to!!! in fact, i beg of you to help me; i would love you forever. i dont even know where to start in answering those impossible questions. i showed aira, the number one math genius in my life, and even she went like ‘whoa’. and didnt wanna help me >=(

speaking of math, i called my mom the other day and asked her not to be angry if i get a bad grade for calculus. or a fail, even. but she pish-toshed my request, and said that i shouldnt be making myself unhappy by doing all these things that i didnt like doing. and that i should give myself some room for a little bit of imperfection every now and then. it was very comforting. after that i skyped my dad, who scolded me for staying up so late to do homework. sometimes i think my brothers and i have the coolest parents ever; they give us complete liberty in steering our lives in any direction we want. it’s not the best child-raising policy – and i have good reason to suspect that they only serendipitously stumbled upon this formula that just so happens to work – but it’s been the best thing to ever happen to me. i’ve never had to live with the fear that any sudden movement is going to cause my parents great despair or disappointment, and this peace of mind has given me so much room to pursue the things that i truly like and make me happy. it’s also accelerated my maturity and broadened my horizons because i’m simply.. allowed to take on the world. with my parents, i’m not cloistered. i’m never stifled.

when i was three years old and got my first box of crayons, my parents never once yelled at me when i drew on the walls at home. and now that i am 20 and still drawing on metaphorical walls with metaphorical crayons, they’re still not yelling at me. even when everyone else is judging or nagging. and that’s why no matter what impossibly difficult crap i have to go through, and despite what stupid decisions i make in life, i still know that underneath all the turbulence, i will always find love within the walls of my home.

ah. home. i miss it so much. nick, a fellow malaysian who’s a sophomore here at columbia, told me the other day that i have way too much emotional baggage and that my heart is still stuck in malaysia. it’s true; i won’t even bother denying it. having said that, after a whole month of anguished pinging and ponging back and forth, i’ve finally decided to go to London for winter break, instead of going home. it will be good for me, on many levels.

so, London folks! hit me up if you wanna meet! i’ve got a whole month to kill over on your side of the world, from the 19th of December up till the 14th of Jan. though i wont be in London all the time, because i’m definitely dropping by Nottingham and Cambridge (possibly Manchester and Liverpool) to meet up with some friends, and will most probably be spending 1-2 weeks in neighbouring Krakow, Paris and Barcelona. no fixed plans, just a lot of possibilities, but drop me a line anyway :) i’m already so. very. very. excited about London. or England in general. is it really as magical as Enid Blyton makes it sound?

and before i delve back into my pile of books, i will leave y’all with a picture of something awesome i discovered over Thanksgiving. behold, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, only the best culinary accident to ever happen:

i never thought i’d see the day fruits start blogging, but life’s full of little surprises like that. so sometime last week, i was shown two really cute blogs written by two rather unusual individuals – a Berry and a Lemon! hahaha yes the utter strangeness of it all. so i started leaving comments on their blogs with many stupid puns. like, berry good. when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. and, what do you give an injured lemon? then i facebooked Berry and wrote on his wall that i met a strawberry today, and i asked if they were related. his reply? “no su ann that is a straw man!” HAHAHA. BERRY GOOD!

so the boy Berry’s blog is here and the girl Lemon’s blog is here. they are both boyfriend and girlfriend – a new couple from the looks of it – and they write little stories from their relationship on their blogs. Berry, the guy, has a really quirky male sense of humor, as is obvious from his straw man retort haha. in one post he writes about why it’s good to be ‘purple and pantless’ :

* I stand out in any group photos, unless you shoot in black and white…
* I don’t need to take off any pants going to the toilet
* There’s no yellow snow moment
* I’m waterproof
* If I keep watering myself, I’ll never go bald
* No Monday blues
* Purple matches yellow, so I look sweet with my lemon pie

technically, berries aren’t waterproof because they have a partially permeable membrane (osmosis!), but he’s right about not having to take off any pants before using the loo. hahahaha i think i kinda just stared at that sentence in disbelief and then spent a few minutes giggling when I first read it.

Lemon, the girl, writes about very cute and girly things that I can so relate to. In this post, she writes about how she can never decide what to wear on dates, and either ends up being too overdressed or looking too plain. and she also says that guys aren’t really ‘quite there’ when they’re shopping with us, which is sooo true. all Martian does when he shops with me is play with his PSP :( i remember a time when he was very eager to come in with me into the dressing room and i’d have to kick him out, but now……. haih. very tak dilayan.

reading Berry’s and Lemon’s blogs reminded me a lot of how Martian and i blog about each other. earlier today, i went back to my archives and looked at all the posts Martian wrote when he was guest-blogging for me while i was away on a 10-day camp. it’s been almost two years since he wrote those posts, and reading them now, in 2008, evokes a lot of nostalgia in me. i remember the ‘us’ from two years back.. i remember how he called me while i was at camp to ask me how to put up photos on my blog (yes please excuse that horrendous picture of me in the ‘egg shaped muffin’ post… we’d just got off a long flight and i was so engrossed in my chocolate frappe at the airport that i didn’t care enough to delete all the bad-angle pictures from his camera).. but most of all, i remember how happy i was when i came back from camp and read those posts. now that i am reading them again, i feel like i’m extracting a whole different meaning from those posts. kinda like Antoine de Saint Exupery’s The Little Prince and how the meaning to that story always changes when we read it at different points of our lives :)

i guess most of you dont know that Martian used to keep a blog :) he started blogging a few months before we got together, and at the time i’d always read his posts with some kind of nonchalance. but when we got together, we fell in love so quickly that i got a bit scared. i didnt know too much about him, and he didnt know too much about me.. plus the distance made it a lot harder to integrate our lives.

so i started re-reading all his blogs, in a covert attempt to learn more about him. i remember reading the comments from his best friends – i wondered about these people, if i would ever meet them, or if Martian and i would get to a point in our relationship where we were friends with each others’ friends. I remember seeing an ex girlfriend’s name on his blog, and while at the time the only meaning i could pin it to was the story he told me about how he dated two girls with the same name before, i wondered about his exes and if he was best friends with them the way i am with my own ex boyfriends. and then there was a post where he blogged a brief but funny story about his friend A from Hong Kong. back in 2005, to me, A was just the star of a blog post and someone who i’d probably never meet.. but now i’ve met A so many times, and just from reading the story, i can instantly tell it’s him even though Martian changed his name.

then there are the pictures. true, not many in Martian’s blog, but there’s this one that i took of him in front of the concert poster in Bangkok. that shirt, those shoes, that pair of dark green khakis.. so meaningless to me back then. now, i know who gave him that shirt for christmas and i know where he bought those shoes and exactly when he likes to wear those khakis. around his neck – in the photo – is a concert pass and the voodoo doll i didnt want, which i would later come to be very familiar with as i walked to and fro the guestroom in his hong kong apartment. the voodoo doll hangs from the doorknob, together with the cirque du soleil and coldplay passes.

another secret: i’d actually read about Martian on someone’s blog a long, long time before i actually met him in person. she’s a good friend of his and i stumbled across her blog sometime in 2001; she and Martian hung out pretty often and every now and then she would talk about him. he was the guy in her blog who wore the tshirt with a funny leaf on it, the guy who has a kitchen he never uses. it took me way too long to actually put two and two together, but that is irrelevant.. the point here is: Martian used to be Leaf Tshirt Guy to me. on a blog. written by a girl i’ve never even met. and now, he’s my whole world. i know exactly which shelf of his wardrobe that leaf tshirt sits on. and i’ve met Stephanie.. she’s the coolest person ever. and i still read her blog :)

Martian has blogged about me a few times on his blog. funny stories are attached to all of these posts, but there is a particularly special one where he wrote about the first time he met me. in that post, he called me gorgeous and smart (hahahahaha i must hold on to this. with time, i find, he has stopped complimenting me) and talked about how if he died (in Hong Kong) the next day, i wouldnt know. weirdly enough, it’s actually true.. cos at that time, we barely spoke to each other. there is also another post where he described the journey from his house to mine, and in one part he says that he texts me that he’s arrived about 10 minutes before he actually reaches my place. cos i always take so long to get ready. 2 years later, he’s STILL doing that, but sometimes he texts me as early as 20 minutes before he actually gets there -_-

i miss Martian’s writing :( he doesnt even write me long emails anymore… T____T *twiddles thumbs* Martian if you are reading this, this is a HINT!!!

and i miss Martian.

i remember how during exam weeks in high school and college, lofty proclamations of X hours of non-sleep were often thrown around nonchalantly in pre-exam palaver: ‘i havent slept in 24 hours!’, ‘well that’s nothing.. i’m running on 2 hours’ of sleep in the past 48 hours!’ we simply couldn’t resist the one-upping – on one hand, it was competitive spirit; on the other, it was a self-consolatory measure of how hard we were working. but back then it was easy to keep tabs. over here, there are no days. existence is the composite of big blurry blocks of several mornings and several all-nighters. i was a little bit stunned when i walked into my room this afternoon to the awareness that there was a huge pile of stuff on my bed, a pile that was accumulated over the span of the weekend, at the bottom of which were my clothes from friday night. can it be that i’ve not slept since friday? i honestly do not remember. such crime. what violation! my weekend has expired.

it’s been a long, stretchy, elastic week of many findings. i took it all in with a slightly hazy mind and with a huge pinch of salt. here i must say i beg your pardon if i start sounding a little bit incoherent. it’s the delirium kicking in, but i assure you everything will still make sense in the morning. so i played Taboo this weekend and rediscovered its yardstick properties. i love it. that same night i encountered the best wantan on this side of the planet. i took a photo of it to share, but because i havent quite learned how to use iPhoto, i cannot show you. a description to facilitate your imagination: it was big, brown, crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. it sounds like any normal wantan, i know, but even the most exceptional wantans sound like any normal wantan. that’s why they’re special. cos you dont know they’re special until it’s too late.

i dont think i’ve changed. one bit. at all. remember how in high school i used to disappear? and in college i was never around either? it’s happening again. i keep disappearing. some of my friends accused me of having a secret affair with a wall street investment banker. another is convinced i’m running about Manhattan participating in those studies that pay $20 an hour or something. but the truth is i just want to be alone. i just want to go away and think. i want to be distracted like i always have been, because i find my purpose in distraction. when i break away, i win.

what else. oh. i’ve been angry. but now i’m not anymore.

i’ve been hoping. but i’ve decided to stop.

here i want to take some time to tell you guys about this guy in the math help room. i dont know his name, but i find myself eager to seek math assistance if it means i can be witness to his temperamental antics. the most recent: i asked him a question about the mean value theorem, and he turned the question back onto me. presumably i said something really stupid, because he slammed the table, yelled ‘NO NO NO you’re not getting it!’ and then he sprang to the whiteboard and started scribbling shit. i cannot begin to describe how intrigued i am by this guy. i have always had a thing for math guys.. but a math guy with a temper? irresistible.

then there is the opposite of him, my economics TA. now he deserves a whole post of his own. one day i will. this one, i know his name. i’ve remembered it since the first day i met him.

this is my life now. i’ve always had the suspicion that i’m actually not in malaysia anymore, but the other day i caught a glimpse of permanence in the reflection of a bathtub. and then again in the wooden walls of Max Brenner. a piece of sidewalk at Times Square. the cold wood of a random bench in Soho. Joy’s nightly knock on my door to say goodnight. and then finally, just a few hours ago, in the yellow light of the paper lamp i bought when i first moved here in August. this is, quite undeniably, my life now. isnt it crazy. when i got my admission letters in April, everyone kept saying how excited they were for me. i would then politely express my concerns of missing home and that i may be making a big mistake in choosing to go away.

but now, i am excited for me.

with that said.. i’m so tired. i really have to sleep. this has been the most

cathartic

post

ever

goodnight

it’s one of those ridiculous days where everything i touch seems to crumble. i am flailing in a sea of my own skin. i also have this frustrating urge to fly.

i did a million things today but i still feel like erasing everything. with many rough, jagged, vengeful swipes. except for that moment at the MoMA store where i picked up the prism photo frame and turned it over in my hands. that moment, i want to keep. because it resonated with me. i feel like i’ve encountered that block of glass at some point in my life and it’s something that’s going to be very important to me. do you believe in resonance? i do. i believe in resonance, and i believe in affinity. i believe in trust. i believe in tenderness. i also believe that there are cures, but i was sorely disappointed today at the hokkien mee in Nyonya that failed to heal my heart. so i guess i’m still broken.

… is what the temperature will be in two days’ time.

… is also my score for the weekend. though if i were my own judge it’d probably be -20000. i’ve been very, very bad. some things, like unfinished homework due tomorrow, can be easily fixed with some time and effort. and some other things, like tequila, can be expelled in the morning. some things, like disgusting calculus midterm scores, won’t go away but are ultimately irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things. but some other things however. just stick.

more Halloween pictures!:

#1 sizzling hot firefighter bananatan and i

#2 K who was a kinky schoolgirl. also one half of the blow-up dolls the next day

#3 i have no clue who this girl is… haha but she’s a funny drunk. she was dressed as a sailor that night too, and as i was walking past her she just threw her arms around me and said OMG IT’S YOUUUUU I LOVE YOUUU LET’S TAKE ANOTHER PICTURE COS WE’RE BOTH SAILORRRRS. haha we didnt take an earlier picture, but i obliged and took ‘another’ one with her anyway. only cos she’s cute. that’s the Pope behind her

#4 the sailor, the pirate, the firefighter and the flight attendant! all very smexy

#5 B, who kept getting his suspenders snapped. i think he was a construction worker…?

#6 look! mario, luigi, and even PRINCESS PEACH HAHAHA

#7 this is T, one of the Mile High Club attendants from this night. i think i saw her in like 4-5 different costumes at different parties during Halloween weekend, and even the weekend before Halloween! shit la i osowan multiple costumes now

#8 E, whom i think looks sooooo much like Claudia Schiffer. anyway.. you guys wont believe who she’s facebook friends with….

#9 azn love! E and Y, two of my floormates. they are super cute :D Y has stickers of Disney princesses on her door

#10 number of crossdressers spotted : 8. at least. but my favorite halloween cross-dresser will always be androo <3 pictures here-on are from the actual Halloween day, where a bunch of us went out to the parade!

#11 when i stepped out into the lobby, this guy in the mask just started running at me. hahaha it’s actually quite scary when you’re being faced head-on with such a mask. and the annoying thing about such masks is that the people wearing them NEVER want to take them off and reveal who they are. but this guy started talking and his thick Nigerian accent gave him away. haha. hello alexander. i see you.

#12 THIS was what i wanted my nuffnang wild live party costume to look like!!! but noooooo instead i went as a sissy ladybug :(

#13 batman and wife taking the subway!! Batpod’s in the shop eh

#14 a sloppy obama. i am unimpressed. number of Obamas spotted: 3

#15 BANANAS! though i’m not sure why they have moustaches?

#16 i was quite blown away by this costume. i really was! but then as we walked around the parade, lots of people were wearing the same wind-blown costume. so.. cheh. at least this guy could pose well.

#17 choi sun do!!

#18 hahahaha a hot dog eating a hot dog

#19 not exactly a halloween costume, but this dog was MASSIVE. it’s actually BIGGER than the girl it’s trying to pounce on O_O

#20 girl in the middle? totally hot. and i think the girl on the left has a prettier sailor costume than mine :( i totally saw the costume at Ricky’s (default NYC costume store) weeks before Halloween, but i figured because it’s available at Ricky’s lots of people were going to be wearing it. WRONG! this girl was the only one i saw with that costume. bah.

#21 hahaha batdog and cat face-off!

#22 little batman <3

#23 a homemade robot costume. so awesome!

#24 and a little mummy! i asked him, “hey little man, are you a mummy?” and he went, “nooooo im a monster!” and started scuffing his shoes on the ground. i think my heart kinda melted.

#25 number of jokers spotted : 58390854. but no Joker Nurses, and definitely none as cool as Jolene!

#26 french friesssss~

#27 GUYS THIS IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME EVER. EVER. EVER. THIS IS A POPE!!!!

#28 WHO CAME WITH THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ CONFESSIONAL BOOTH!!!! hahahahahahahaha he even called himself Pope Fiction. see his real legs on the ground? he made that look like the legs of a nun who was lifting up the whole confessional booth. totally awesome!! he really was attracting so much attention. there was this crowd around him everywhere he went

#29 this is nicole kissing the pope hahaha

#30 nick and i groping the pope, though the photographer cut nick out. okay mom dad Martian if you’re reading this i didnt really grope him okay! that’s a fake pair of legs!

#31 the Beijing Olympics panda haha

#32 girl picture outside bananatan’s room!

#33 and the most adorable duck i have ever seen :)