i remember how during exam weeks in high school and college, lofty proclamations of X hours of non-sleep were often thrown around nonchalantly in pre-exam palaver: ‘i havent slept in 24 hours!’, ‘well that’s nothing.. i’m running on 2 hours’ of sleep in the past 48 hours!’ we simply couldn’t resist the one-upping – on one hand, it was competitive spirit; on the other, it was a self-consolatory measure of how hard we were working. but back then it was easy to keep tabs. over here, there are no days. existence is the composite of big blurry blocks of several mornings and several all-nighters. i was a little bit stunned when i walked into my room this afternoon to the awareness that there was a huge pile of stuff on my bed, a pile that was accumulated over the span of the weekend, at the bottom of which were my clothes from friday night. can it be that i’ve not slept since friday? i honestly do not remember. such crime. what violation! my weekend has expired.

it’s been a long, stretchy, elastic week of many findings. i took it all in with a slightly hazy mind and with a huge pinch of salt. here i must say i beg your pardon if i start sounding a little bit incoherent. it’s the delirium kicking in, but i assure you everything will still make sense in the morning. so i played Taboo this weekend and rediscovered its yardstick properties. i love it. that same night i encountered the best wantan on this side of the planet. i took a photo of it to share, but because i havent quite learned how to use iPhoto, i cannot show you. a description to facilitate your imagination: it was big, brown, crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. it sounds like any normal wantan, i know, but even the most exceptional wantans sound like any normal wantan. that’s why they’re special. cos you dont know they’re special until it’s too late.

i dont think i’ve changed. one bit. at all. remember how in high school i used to disappear? and in college i was never around either? it’s happening again. i keep disappearing. some of my friends accused me of having a secret affair with a wall street investment banker. another is convinced i’m running about Manhattan participating in those studies that pay $20 an hour or something. but the truth is i just want to be alone. i just want to go away and think. i want to be distracted like i always have been, because i find my purpose in distraction. when i break away, i win.

what else. oh. i’ve been angry. but now i’m not anymore.

i’ve been hoping. but i’ve decided to stop.

here i want to take some time to tell you guys about this guy in the math help room. i dont know his name, but i find myself eager to seek math assistance if it means i can be witness to his temperamental antics. the most recent: i asked him a question about the mean value theorem, and he turned the question back onto me. presumably i said something really stupid, because he slammed the table, yelled ‘NO NO NO you’re not getting it!’ and then he sprang to the whiteboard and started scribbling shit. i cannot begin to describe how intrigued i am by this guy. i have always had a thing for math guys.. but a math guy with a temper? irresistible.

then there is the opposite of him, my economics TA. now he deserves a whole post of his own. one day i will. this one, i know his name. i’ve remembered it since the first day i met him.

this is my life now. i’ve always had the suspicion that i’m actually not in malaysia anymore, but the other day i caught a glimpse of permanence in the reflection of a bathtub. and then again in the wooden walls of Max Brenner. a piece of sidewalk at Times Square. the cold wood of a random bench in Soho. Joy’s nightly knock on my door to say goodnight. and then finally, just a few hours ago, in the yellow light of the paper lamp i bought when i first moved here in August. this is, quite undeniably, my life now. isnt it crazy. when i got my admission letters in April, everyone kept saying how excited they were for me. i would then politely express my concerns of missing home and that i may be making a big mistake in choosing to go away.

but now, i am excited for me.

with that said.. i’m so tired. i really have to sleep. this has been the most

cathartic

post

ever

goodnight