o m g did you guys see that shit

it’s almost 7 in the morning here and my door is ajar, leaking the light of burning midnight oil and the sounds of thoughtful keystrokes. concerned floormates keep poking their head in and telling me to get some rest, but i dont have the heart to tell them that i’m actually not doing any work. i am, in fact, just sitting here eating nutella on crackers and looking up on wikipedia the process of getting leg cramps. basically just pretending that i’m busy studying for finals when i’m actually not. it’s an academic strategy of the highest degree; i dont expect anyone to understand. resigned sigh.

and to add to my growing list of pre-finals procrastinatory undertakings, guess what i just found! a whole bunch of photos from my yesteryears!!! when i was 15 and 16 or some tender age like that. i keep saying ‘2 years ago’ when referring to these pictures in conversation; for some reason i’m stuck in the notion that i’m only 18. but i’m not. i’m 20. so old already. resigned sigh again.

anyways, finding old pictures always calls for reminiscence. so here goes!:

#1 one chinese new year’s at sieutheng’s. man we all look so young

#2 one of kezanne’s annual poolside parties. come rain or shine or menstruation, when it’s kezanne’s birthday, everyone has to get thrown into the pool.

#3 a happy picture of jovann and me <3

#4 hahahaha! caught in the bathroom!

#5 sitting atop the elephant at british india. haha. wow i just realized i havent seen that pair of shoes since my mom stole them. it’s been YEARS!

#6 omg these red wall photos. i took them with vicnan. we dubbed this one the tampon ad photo

#7 vicnan is so tall that when he jumps, his head goes out of the frame

#8 see how tall he is!! i only come up to his shoulder

#9 trying to be one with the greatest love of my life: Ice Cream! tamtim took this photo, on one of the first few times we ever met. now we are like best bitch buddies. sigh, how time flies, tamtim. i remember a time you once called yourself Jak. and Artificially Verbose. and waxed lyrical about lomo cams. now you are soon to be a full fledged trader or credit risk whatever. i’m so proud of you <3

#10 ahh the bunch of us at the green pow wow, circa 2005. we’ve all grown and done so much in 3 short years. i can still remember all our pow wow jokes.. and all the stupid poses alvo taught us to do, hahaha. just look at him in that picture!!!

#11 this picture evokes some really strong memories for me. maybe cos it was the first and last time i was ever in my school’s bio lab. haha. gawd. i dont even remember what i used to do during lab hours… i think i just sat in class with the lights off doing crossword puzzles with waimin or some such. infinitely more engaging than bio lab.

#12 HAHAHAHA SOHAI BETUL

#13 o.m.g Short Brother used to be so cute. why now not cute anymore T___T

#14 ooh i remember this. this was at Cheer 2004 or 2005, which was pretty much an annual ritual for me. i even went to watch the competition in the years after graduating high school. that’s aira and me with farah, who was in the St Mary team

#15 this, folks, is Rockstar. AZLAN WHERE DID YOU PUT ROCKSTAR

#16 a bunch of us girls during a student exchange to Seoul. wow we really do look so young. christine looks so cute with bangs!!

#17 hahaha we were falling asleep on the loooong train ride from downtown Seoul back to Banghwa where we lived, so stupid Elliot decided to mock us by sleeping on the floor. i’ve lost contact with everyone i met in Seoul, including Elliot. quite sad :( ah, the days before the advent of facebook and friendster!

#18 loooong ice cream for RM2 in Myeongdong. sigh look at those girls :) they hosted us when we went to Seoul. i’m sure they’ve all grown up into fine young ladies by now.

#19 once upon a time, Ivan and i were actually capable of taking normal pictures. this is us in front of the Lion King set at Cempaka. in ivan’s defense, he doesnt always dress up like a priest; he was playing the violin for the orchestra of the Lion King musical!

#20 hahahaha this is what we did to ivan on his 17th birthday. with chocolate brownies!

#21 oh my. i’m getting vivid memories of those glorious cakes… sigh. raya in malaysia rocks big time

#22 azlan and i at my 2nd fav starbucks! this is the one in mont kiara, where i used to go and study for SPM because it was the -only- starbucks in the klang valley that’s open 24 hours. and even that’s only on weekends.

#23 i heart azlan cos he always layans me when i want to take stupid photos. azlan i miss you T___T please stay in london over winter break…

#24 one christmas eve with the gang. i think we cooked dinner that night… did we? what did we cook though?!

#25 sieutheng and i. sieutheng i love you! why are we not putting the webcam i gave you that year to good use

#26 hahahaha such children we are. though i’m pretty sure we would do the exact same thing right now if we were all in mid valley at midnight and there was a big beautiful CNY center-court feature..

#27 pinkpau and the pinkpau!

#28 and this is my desk at home. actually, two desks ago. looking at this picture is making me sad that i’m not going home for winter break. when i packed to come here, i left a lot of things behind because i thought i would be back in december and could bring the stuff over then. things like.. framed photos of me and my friends and family, all my books, my socks and scarves, my toy ducks, my curtains.. and my heart. now i’ll have to wait another 6 months before i can go back and get all those things. haih.

ahh, years gone by. when i have time, perhaps over winter break, i wanna share some of the best stories from those years of my life. but for now, it’s back to the books for me! wish me luck for my finals, folks :( i’m gonna need it.

HI.

DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT HYPERSPHERES AND SPACE FILLING CURVES
WTF IS THIS
WTF
HAT AM I DOING IN COLLEGE
THIS IS NOT MY CALLING
MY CALLING IS TO FIND THE BEST CUPCAKE IN THE WORLD
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i like it when people think.
i like it when people assess.
and re-assess.
and understand.
and feel.
and conclude.
and decide.
and act.
i hate it when people are too lazy, or complacent, to think.

////////

it snowed tonight
i escaped from the pack to take pictures of snow
cos they wouldnt understand
i kinda just wanted to do more than stick my tongue out in the air and wave my arms around
so i walked around in the freezing air taking pictures of ice on top of cars
i felt pretty with the snowflakes on my eyelashes.
but now that i am indoors, my head really hurts

i wish…///
i saw three milo dogs today while i was out with kevin the beaver
kevin is so funny
we were on clinton street where the traffic wasn’t moving, and we were trying to pull out of the parking space
he got frustrated and said, “okay, it’s time for malaysian KURAP TACTICS!!!”
and barged his way into the traffic with hard-edged malaysian resolve
so funny. i laughed like crazy. he’s like so sohai
we went for pancakes at what is supposed to be the best pancake place in all of new york.
not bad. lived up to expectations
but i enjoyed the company a lot more

i insisted kevin go with me to clinton st because i wanted to go there with someone i love
and share the pancakes there with someone i love
cos i’ve got all these new york to-do’s that i wanna hold close to my heart
it’s a moments thing
don’t feel like explaining it, but i’m sure you all understand
actually there were lots of strange moments this weekend
i dont understand the way i feel anymore
it’s very scary
the most unexpected things upset me
and what i think will make me happy, no longer does
it’s just like when i saw //
i felt nothing. there was simply a vacuum in my head and i wasnt thrilled
i feel different now
i feel older

beaver, i miss you and your stupid blueberry analogies
will you come to my school tomorrow and study with me
and re-enact 2005 at the mango cafe near my house
where i said //
and it came true?
maybe if i make another prediction this time around
it will come true too.

some thoughts, before my descent into the pits of final exam-induced hermitage:

i cant believe half of my freshman year is going to be over in a matter of two weeks. isn’t it crazy? life here still feels like an extended holiday. sometimes i catch traces of a make-believe world in my daily undertakings – like realizing too late that i bought toiletries in small quantities once again, and that i wrote my KL address and phone numbers on yet another sign-up sheet.

my brain is also stuck back home in a system where it’s easy to score A’s and one is taught that all battles can be fought with the perfected art of regurgitation. i’m trying my hardest not to make this an excuse for doing badly, but my hardwiring definitely still bears the distinct marks of a malaysian craftmanship. despite my best efforts at abstaining, i still keep fretting over using all the ‘right keywords’ when i’m writing my econs essays, cos back home it doesnt matter what blather you write, just so long as all the kata-kata kunci are there, right. i keep thinking that if i write anything that’s even a slight deviation from the textbook, i’ll get penalized.

and the math.. dont even get me started on the roundabout ways they study math here. for some inexplicable reason, merely getting the answer or knowing how to get it isn’t enough – you also have to understand all the laws and theories behind how you get all the answers, and you have to know how to prove these laws and theories. take a look at my extra credit assignment and you’ll see what i mean. sigh. if anyone wants to help me with my extra credit assignment, you are more than welcome to!!! in fact, i beg of you to help me; i would love you forever. i dont even know where to start in answering those impossible questions. i showed aira, the number one math genius in my life, and even she went like ‘whoa’. and didnt wanna help me >=(

speaking of math, i called my mom the other day and asked her not to be angry if i get a bad grade for calculus. or a fail, even. but she pish-toshed my request, and said that i shouldnt be making myself unhappy by doing all these things that i didnt like doing. and that i should give myself some room for a little bit of imperfection every now and then. it was very comforting. after that i skyped my dad, who scolded me for staying up so late to do homework. sometimes i think my brothers and i have the coolest parents ever; they give us complete liberty in steering our lives in any direction we want. it’s not the best child-raising policy – and i have good reason to suspect that they only serendipitously stumbled upon this formula that just so happens to work – but it’s been the best thing to ever happen to me. i’ve never had to live with the fear that any sudden movement is going to cause my parents great despair or disappointment, and this peace of mind has given me so much room to pursue the things that i truly like and make me happy. it’s also accelerated my maturity and broadened my horizons because i’m simply.. allowed to take on the world. with my parents, i’m not cloistered. i’m never stifled.

when i was three years old and got my first box of crayons, my parents never once yelled at me when i drew on the walls at home. and now that i am 20 and still drawing on metaphorical walls with metaphorical crayons, they’re still not yelling at me. even when everyone else is judging or nagging. and that’s why no matter what impossibly difficult crap i have to go through, and despite what stupid decisions i make in life, i still know that underneath all the turbulence, i will always find love within the walls of my home.

ah. home. i miss it so much. nick, a fellow malaysian who’s a sophomore here at columbia, told me the other day that i have way too much emotional baggage and that my heart is still stuck in malaysia. it’s true; i won’t even bother denying it. having said that, after a whole month of anguished pinging and ponging back and forth, i’ve finally decided to go to London for winter break, instead of going home. it will be good for me, on many levels.

so, London folks! hit me up if you wanna meet! i’ve got a whole month to kill over on your side of the world, from the 19th of December up till the 14th of Jan. though i wont be in London all the time, because i’m definitely dropping by Nottingham and Cambridge (possibly Manchester and Liverpool) to meet up with some friends, and will most probably be spending 1-2 weeks in neighbouring Krakow, Paris and Barcelona. no fixed plans, just a lot of possibilities, but drop me a line anyway :) i’m already so. very. very. excited about London. or England in general. is it really as magical as Enid Blyton makes it sound?

and before i delve back into my pile of books, i will leave y’all with a picture of something awesome i discovered over Thanksgiving. behold, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, only the best culinary accident to ever happen: