Archive for February, 2009
i itch to blog. there are so many things i want to say before i forget and they leave me forever, but these days it feels like all i do is homework, say “i don’t remember the last time i slept”, argue, sigh resignedly and furnish my share of administrative work. if i’m lucky sometimes i get a nice hour in between classes to stare at the ceiling in solitude. i really like staring at the ceiling… just as much as i like my 10am with the newspaper, a cup of coffee and chocolate covered pretzels. those times of quiet are really so much better than the constant falling into traps of guilt tripping and frustrating skirmishes of having to explain myself. here’s why i did it, here’s why i didn’t do it, no that is not what i meant, yes i am fine. dudes, i really am fine, but if you bug me anymore i won’t be.
some news: i came across a new old beautiful soul the other day while digging through my old laptop for a research paper i wrote a couple of years ago. and by ‘new old’, i mean newly beautiful to me, but old in the sense that it has always been there, and i once upon a time knew it was beautiful, but never thought to explore. now, this beauty is close to me, orbiting from a distance, and i am grateful that i rediscovered it, and read again the essay that he wrote. sometimes i think i know beauty, but then things like this happen to remind me that i know nothing.
some more news: i recently discovered that i’ve developed lactose intolerance. the symptoms have been present for a couple of months, but i always brushed it off, thinking that my insides just needed to chill out for a bit from the London onslaught of Four Seasons roast duck. but, no. i can’t eat ice cream now without needing to run to the bathroom in half an hour. no ice cream! there is no amount of hand-wringing that will adequately convey just how much that upsets me. yes i know there are enzyme pills i can take to remedy this problem, but… i don’t know. i hate taking pills. i hate the idea that i have to eat a pill at a certain time, and in the right dosage, otherwise my body loses it. it’s just too much structure for me. it’s kind of like brushing teeth or plucking eyebrows — i feel no pleasure in doing these daily chores; on the contrary, the routine quite annoys me. is this a metaphor? i kinda just want to drop it all and run around naked (don’t correct me; you will obstruct my stream of consciousness… oh there you’ve done it again.
)
and laugh. and remember everything that i have forgotten. and blog. in paradise, i would like to have my computer there with me. and hopefully, the paradise version of myself will not be lactose intolerant.
February 25th, 2009
i am a faulty metal detector — sometimes i find, and sometimes i dont, but i’m always searching. stretchy bundles of crazily demanding neuroticism threaten to stifle me, but then i find unexpected solace in a dimple. for just a brief moment, i am reduced in size, and i can hide in this dimple, and i can sleep. for just a fraction of a second, i know what it’s like to be acquainted with inner peace. on normal days, i don’t ache for this peace because i don’t remember it… but when i find it, i know that it is my telos. my Right Place. and then i can see the sky.
February 21st, 2009
wait ahhhhhhh
i will be back!
when i get my shite together
or at least, when i finish writing all these @#$% papers
and finish all these midterms
then we shall all sit down and talk about our stories
eh tell me a story la. any story! please!
February 17th, 2009
tell me, keeping the brevity of the circumstances at the forefront of your contemplation –
is it possible?
February 12th, 2009
to take my mind off stuff, i was watching City of Glass on Youtube earlier tonight. Leon Lai, Shu Qi, Daniel Wu and Nicola Cheung star in this movie, one of my favorite Hong Kong movies of all time. when i watched City of Glass in 1998, i remember how my heart stopped during the scene in the University of Hong Kong stairwell where Leon Lai and Shu Qi first locked eyes amidst all the laughing students hosing and pouring buckets of water on each other. Leon Lai… he and i go way back. i first found him in my neighbor’s house when her brother was singing karaoke to one of Leon Lai’s songs. i was six years old then. now i am twenty, and it’s been about seven years since my neighbour’s brother passed away. but Leon Lai still stops my heart. and he will always remind me of Kar Hou holding the microphone and belting out cantopop in the living room. one time when i was about eight, my grandmother got a stroke and all the adults immediately bolted out of the house to rush her to the hospital, leaving me alone at home. i remember being absolutely petrified. so Kar Hou took me over to their place to have dinner. i refused to eat, but he coaxed me into eating by making aeroplane noises with the spoon and challenging me to catch the aerospoon in my mouth. how i giggled, and how he laughed. it is a scene that is exhuming a lot of forgotten feelings from within me. i wouldn’t be entirely surprised if he was my first love. oh, that smile. that accent left over from Adelaide. that earring. when he died, we were all stunned. as i watched City of Glass earlier tonight, i thought of him and missed him.
******
i’ve always dreamed of flying. in 48 hours i will be doing just that. in 48 hours i will have fallen asleep and slipped into delicate dreams that i wont remember when i awake. where will i awake?
February 10th, 2009
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