What Should Have Been #24
April 26th, 2009
so this was supposed to be a very special post about museums, chance encounters, an endless cycle of winning and then losing, and birthdays. it was going to be about birthdays. but then i didn’t write it because i didn’t have time, and i was exhausted and nervous. do you know how nervous i was? i was positively shaking as i walked down the twisting and turning hall, juggling a balancing act of walking slowly but quickly enough, keeping the fear out of my face and removing the quiver from the forced conversation i was having. then i heard the bellow, and i thought, yup, i made the wrong choice. but trundling on, right, because what’s done is done? anyway the point is, i was tired and really scared. so i didn’t write it. i thought i would write it now, upon coming home, because i would have time, and i’d be feeling so much better after a nap. but no, now i’ve decided that i won’t write it at all, because it is likely to end up lame, bitchy, stupid, and above all, moronic. at the Tate four months ago, i met someone judgmental. i met someone more puerile than anyone i have ever known. i met someone who can’t look beyond his own superficiality and can only see the world in black and white. so as i sit here now, i am exhausted and scared. the past four months have drained the life out of me. i find it so strange that i can no longer look happy in photographs and that i have to force the smile into my eyes now. what have i done? truly, what have i done? constantly, i tell myself that i should never judge books by their covers, but increasingly, i find that my visceral reactions are always the most accurate. i can’t be someone i’m not. i can’t be so pretentious. i can’t say stupid things like, “i like thunderstorms because they have character.” i can’t apologize for having said, “… and shit like that.” i just cannot. what do i now? i feel like a hypocrite. i want to swallow everything. all the time traveling… i want to swallow it all.
Entry Filed under: Rants
40 Comments Add your own
1. alynna | April 26th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Hope you feel better soon.
2. kennysia | April 26th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
*hugs*
3. Sammy | April 26th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
That’s what makes u lovable: you’re so you.
4. Michelle | April 26th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I’m feeling like crap too. And it’s me being judgemental of myself.
5. samantha | April 26th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
i like this post
6. Gin | April 26th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
ice cream when ure back! =D
7. KY | April 26th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
swallow some parma ham instead lim su ann!
8. missfiona | April 26th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
time will swallow it all. miss your perky smiley face =D
go indulge in ice cream!!! u shall feel better.
9. sweatlee | April 26th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
did someone take a portion of your heart?
10. ShaolinTiger | April 27th, 2009 at 12:27 am
FML. Go smoke some weed.
11. Zeek | April 27th, 2009 at 12:45 am
just be yourself, pau. we’re different individuals and everyone has their own perspective of seeing things. some is right for you, but could be otherwise for me. and its normal for people to be judgemental. i tend to be very judgemental sometimes but often remind myself to look at the bigger picture first. Wtf?!
12. pamsong | April 27th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Hah. Lucky you for discovering you’ve had enough in just 4 months. Me? I wasted 7 years trying to be who I wasn’t before I found out. Consider yourself blessed to have known so early on, Sue Ann. =)
13. Michelle | April 27th, 2009 at 1:27 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uy0HNWto0UY Watch this.
14. tamago | April 27th, 2009 at 1:46 am
*HUGS LAMALAMA
15. xiao | April 27th, 2009 at 2:20 am
I feel like one of the reasons I haven’t been able to make friends here is because I refuse to be pretentious. It’s lonely living and constantly being in this vicinity of people, who say things and do things that seem to mean nothing. But then again, what is meaning?
regardless, i hope the imminent summer holidays will be something you’ll look forward to. nothing like going home to pieces of familiarity to relieve the pressure of thinking you have to portray something. ;)
16. zzzyun | April 27th, 2009 at 3:01 am
i dunno whether this is related or not.
but i dislike when the ppl here ask “hello how are u?” and dont really care how are u doing. or worse, they expect you to say “yeah im good” even when one is clearly not. what is the point in being so pretentious?
can we have some good old msian honesty pls.
17. Bonnie | April 27th, 2009 at 3:21 am
Well if you intend to come back to “help your country”, it’s a necessary skill to learn. To be as pretentious and uppity-up to those who respond to that kinda shit and stuff, but at the same time be humble and straightforward to those who prefer honesty.
No one ever said it was easy, but if you wanna give it a go…
18. Jason | April 27th, 2009 at 4:13 am
*hugs*
hope you will be alright..miss your crazy happy postings..but only do it when you are feel like it..will wait patiently..
anyway michelle that’s a nice heart warming clip..thanks for sharing..
19. Michelle | April 27th, 2009 at 4:18 am
Jason: Welcome!
20. nyrac | April 27th, 2009 at 4:33 am
pinkpau jangan le sedih. aku suka baca sebab you make me happy. sekarang awak macam sesedih aku je. senyum le syg.
21. cindy | April 27th, 2009 at 6:07 am
do try to stay positive. i know its hard to stay tough all the time, so just be yourself, temporarily forget about how others, and take your time to sort things out. i’m sure you can do it.
22. fatcat | April 27th, 2009 at 6:27 am
It’s ok, Su Ann! The truth hurts. Every freaking person around me (except one I guess) refuses and hates to hear frank, honest opinions. I was truthful, but the honesty hurt them so I give half-truths now. Most of the time, I just shut up. Swallowing everything gives me peace, but now I’m kinda bloated. :(
23. lyssa | April 27th, 2009 at 6:38 am
strangely enough, i think everyone goes through that when they first enter college/uni.
i know i hated my first two semesters at university in UK because i thought everyone was so damn pretentious. it got so frustrating wanting to make friends, but for the first time, having no one to make friends with. finally after i stopped trying, it got better.
really, the best advice is just to be yourself. i never got that before, but its so true. :)
24. k0k | April 27th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Endure, Miss Su Ann. Take it. They’ll hate you for it, but that’s the point of Pinkpau, she can be the outcast. She can make the choice that no one else can make.
The right choice.
*dum dum dum*
25. LJY | April 27th, 2009 at 9:01 am
endure endure endure
as long as the decisions you make are right to YOU through and through
26. kreazi | April 27th, 2009 at 10:03 am
i miss your cheery pics… coz I needed something so desperately to stay happy. Many a time, we do make the wrong choices in life, but what is done cannot be undone.. so let yourself indulge in some sorrows+regrets+agony, then move on with your head high up :) I’m still learning that though :(
27. Journey to the West | April 27th, 2009 at 11:22 am
What about a good cup of tea and a good book (those who are inspirational not exactly motivational)
You reminded me of a piece of the confusions I got when I first came to NYC…
You will arise from that, you can still be yourself who really care and mean well when you say something and still blend in because you will find out they are more people who are in the positive side when you channel yourself to the positive frequency. Ignore those who are on the negative side. This is the beauty of NYC, it is rather extreme, but you can choose. Pick a side.
28. yizhen15 | April 27th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
its ok su ann, forgive them. those of whom you said cant see past their own superficiality, and can only see black and white? its called failure of the imagination. they lack the ability to see the world beyond what the establishment has portrayed. (i heard this somewhere but i forgot where) so forgive them. if you cant help them see it, then you cant do much bout it. there’s too many of them out there anyway. :P
take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. be detached from the world as you know it for a sec. you might be able to see who/what is more important to you, and whats not. but really, i say, don’t let the rotten steal away your happiness and your sincerity – because you are stronger than that. :)
29. elle | April 27th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Find your The Little Prince book, tuck yourself under covers and get lost for a while. I like to emerge with a new perspective sometimes :)
30. smartypants | April 27th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
“i like thunderstorms because they have character”- deserve shit..
“i love wind and cloud because they have character – clever thing to say…ekin cheng & aaron kwok of stormriders were my hearthrobs….@-@
hugsss sweetie
31. seowqj | April 28th, 2009 at 12:35 am
:)
32. Random Surfer | April 28th, 2009 at 11:13 am
“I like thunderstorms because they have character” ??!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
33. nyreader | April 29th, 2009 at 5:25 am
you are a pathetic hypocrite. nuff said.
34. JD | April 29th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Been following your blog for quite sometime…hope everything will be alright. Like the Bob Marley song….
35. pinkpau | April 29th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
alynna : thank u :) i am.
kennysia : hugs :(
sammy : thank u.. :) i wish more people realized that abt others
michelle : ahh dont be! you should be on your own side :)
samantha : ahha i dont particularly like it, but thank you!
gin: PROMISE?!
KY : would love to!! i had a melon and prosciutto craving today cos a friend mentioned it and now i cant get it out of my head. HAIH.
missfiona : i actually have been eating lots of ice cream :P cos it’s so hot here!
sweatlee : ya and stomped all over it
shaolintiger : cannot la otherwise i wont study for finals
zeek : hehe i wish more people would think like you
pamsong : i think you’re right, but even so i’m glad yours was 7 years and not 20..30.. etc :)
michelle: that was absolutely heartwrenching. sigh. thank you for showing it to me. one of the better shorts i’ve watched
tamago : HUGS LAMALAMA back!! :D
xiao : haha i remember feeling your discomfort when i first came here. i think you’ll come to realize that the hi/bye people in the corridors are friends who wont last long, and the real ones are the ones you start out barely speaking to. and then when the dust settles…!
zzzyun : HAHAHA wait are you studying in the US??? omg my first month here that was all the singaporeans and i could talk about. HAHA. we were like, why do americans do that? say “hey how’s it going” or “how are you?” and then just walk past you. but we quickly learned that it’s not that they dont care or are pretentious, it’s just how they say hi. ahha. so now we all do it too. even to each other :P
bonnie : ahha. i always had a problem with treading the middle ground.
jason : seeeee that’s the thinggggg i never post happy things anymoreeeeee. WHY!
nyrac : sedang cuba :) gotta amputate all these sad elements in my life i guess.
cindy : thank u :) i’m learning how to do that — the forgetting about others bit.
fatcat : you must remember to vomit stuff out once in a while, ok? dont take nonsense from anyone :)
lyssa : actually i wasnt talking about college at all :P but i know what you mean. i thought the same thing abt americans in my first couple of weeks of school.. like how they were all sprightly and “heyyy hows it goinggg” but really dont give two hoots. but then i realized that everyone just wants to make friends, and they’re all just sussing out who they can get along with. now everyone’s a lot more comfortable with each other. i’ve always been myself, but i’m just struggling to think about how much of myself i should give up for people i love.
k0k : hahaha you’re too cute. what is dum dum dum??
LJY : i hate enduring. i really do. i have absolutely no patience and no stamina to do things i dont like. HAIH. :(
kreazi : to be honest it’s not that i’ve been sad all the time.. it’s just that i’ve had no time to blog :( and then everytime i am REALLY REALLY SAD (which is a lot more often than i used to be), i just have to blog, and so that’s the only time i sit down and blog properly. so.. sigh. maybe i need to force myself to sit down and blog when i’m happy as well
journey to the west : well.. i wasnt actually talking about NYC but i do see the relationship :) and you give good advice. thank u :)
yizhen : your comment was totally inspirational. just reading it makes my head a lot clearer. and now i know what to do. thank u :)) mwah.
elle : if i had the time to read the little prince i would be quite happy :P whatever free reading time i have is spent reading all the books in my literature course that i should have read over the semester but didnt. le sigh! but yes, i totally know what u mean abt the new perspective. have you read john livingston seagull?
smartypants : HAHHA FUNG WAN
seowqj : :)
random surfer : why u laugh so loud!
nyreader : that’s funny! i actually think the same thing of you, “nyreader” :)
JD : oo i love that song. i think i’m gonna go look that up on youtube now…
36. voon | April 29th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
hugs ^^
37. nick | April 29th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
rofl, i always add ‘… and shit like that’ to the end of my sentences too.. and people always wonder why i was talking like that
38. tze | April 29th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
well u r seeing me soon aren’t you in mid may? that ought to cheer u up wtf
39. oilfieldtrash | April 29th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Never mind, it’ll all be over anyways and everyone’ll die of da swine flu.. kill ‘em all pink piggy… kill ‘em ALL
40. k0k | April 30th, 2009 at 9:10 am
sound effect
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