as always, there was supposed to be a special post here today, but as always, i caught myself just in time before i tripped and fell backwards into my own naivete. at the rate this is going, this blog is going to end up completely perfunctory in nature and i will only ever write mechanically about things i did today, here are some pictures i took, here’s where i went with whom. every time something like this happens i can feel myself fading. i guess i’ve narrowed down what the problem is. apparently i cant always trust my instincts. a really long time ago i thought i found the right thing but every day i realize more and more that everything is a farce, and that i’m sitting here popping pills of denial just because i want to feel close to happiness, even if it’s a sensation i am weaving together from my own idyllic wishes and retrospection. and i’d always thought the problematic epicenter was the lack of inspiration, but it’s garishly clear that we lack everything from trust all the way down to minute joys. what use are all of these things on the periphery. it’s all just one big competition for the bullish alpha male. hearts dont matter, right? i think i need to recover mine from the time capsule i put in the ground some time back.