In Search of Sunrise
November 14th, 2009
i had a veritably brutal midterm yesterday . it was the kind where you stare at the question and vaguely understand what concept you’re supposed to apply, but don’t exactly know where to start or what you’re really supposed to show, and before you know it, given time is up and you’ve barely answered two thirds of the exam. when i left the exam room, i felt like i wanted to die. i studied so hard for this exam, and i was (somewhat) confident that i would be okay on it.
plus i had extra time to study for it. the midterm was supposed to be two days ago, i.e a full day before i actually took it, but on the morning of the exam in the midst of some last-minute cramming, i got the worst panic attack i’ve ever gotten. it came while i was doing a practice test, and i realized that i couldnt remember anything that i’d been studying. that truly frightened me, so i closed my eyes and randomly picked a question. i couldnt answer that one either, or the next five questions i randomly picked after that. so i tried to go over my notes, but nothing was sticking in my head. i felt like a sieve — a very confused, scared and jittery sieve. two days ago i’d gone to a doctor for muscle pains, and he took a look at me and asked when did i last sleep. i said not for about 32 hours, and he nagged me about it despite protests that i was going through midterms. he gave me some pills, and i made him promise me that these were non-drowsy pills. i asked all the nurses outside to verify that these pills wouldnt induce sleepiness, because i had to stay up all night to study. i swear i felt like a complete lunatic, being so obsessed about drowsy or non-drowsiness.
so on the morning of the exam, i panicked, and realized that i just could not take the exam. i cried for about two hours because i felt so disappointed with myself, partially for being so stupid and partially for being this affected by exams, grades and percentage points. i’ve never been like this before coming here for school, most definitely not in high school and definitely not when i arrived here in my first semester. i used to be all about colorful skirts, beads, good fiction, moscato and jazz, lazy afternoons, baking brownies and forcing people to eat them — now all i care about is getting a 4.0 GPA. i feel so grounded in this world that i can actually feel the discomfort in my blood, yet i keep telling myself that this is only temporary, and once i finish this assignment, i’ll chill out for a bit. but of course the exams, papers and assignments just dont stop coming.
i ended up going to my professor’s office in tears, and cried and begged him to let me take the exam tomorrow. he said yes, but made me promise that i would go for counseling. counseling — that’s really what it’s come to. so i took the exam a full day later. right before he gave me the exam, he told me that several people had already emailed him to ask if they could drop the course because they think they failed the exam, and that i shouldn’t worry if i find the exam difficult, because there will most likely be a huge curve in the grading. he was right- i did find the exam bloody difficult. i was so buzzed from caffeine and taurine that accessing information in the correct pockets of my brain was becoming hard. for a long 20 point question, one of the intermediate steps was to find the directional derivative, and i was stunned for a moment that i couldnt remember the step because it was a very easy method. it was like yesterday morning all over again. so i had to abandon the question and lose about 12 points. the security guard at my building saw how sad i was after the exam, so he gave me a short talk on how one day i’ll see that exams are just one small thing in our lifetimes. i couldnt really respond with more than a half-hearted smile.
i fell asleep for about 12 hours after that. i woke up and the first thing i thought about was the math exam. suddenly i could remember all the stuff i’d forgotten, and i realized that i knew how to answer every question that i’d left blank, including the directional derivative, and the continuity problems, and especially the epsilon delta limits. it was like… putting on contact lens. that wet and clear feeling. but omfg. despite that, i woke up and felt so good. so what if i flunked an exam? so what if i behaved like a complete lunatic in front of my professor? it’s just an exam. i’m pretty shit at math anyway. my best friend used to jokingly say that my utter inability to do math was not a bad thing, but a blessing, because all these smart math guys would want to help me with my homework, and that’s how i’m going to find my soulmate one day. :)
that’s what’s important. soulmates. best friends. the fluffy Michael Learns to Rock songs that i’m listening to right now. the Joshua Radin concert that i’m going to this week. the irony in the fact that i typed Radian instead of Radin just now. that my roommate Piglet will be coming back from her field trip in an hour, and we’re going to be having Chipotle for lunch together in our suite, and i’ll get to hear all her hilarious drunken stories from last night, and how someone peed in our bathtub during our suite party a few nights ago. right now i am so happy.
i’ve also just broken up with this guy that i’ve been seeing for awhile. yesterday we had a really long and angsty conversation about how we’ve been doing since we broke up. it’s a long and convoluted story, but i was just finding it hard to be happy. the point though, is that i’m on my way to being happier as i slowly peel away all of the rahula that i’ve inadvertently found myself so wrapped in. as i woke up this morning and quietly answered that 20 point question in my head (and then wrote that one-line post below), it occurred to me that all i had needed was just some sleep. if i had stuck to my guns and continued being the utterly lazy person that i am, i would have partied over the weekend, and all of the sleep from the hangovers would have helped me more in my exam than four straight days of forcing into my head stuff that i already was familiar with. but no… i just had to try and be hardworking, pretend that i’m someone i’m not, and end up screwing things up for myself :)
i’m not saying that it’s not good to be hardworking. it’s just that people exist in such different ways, and sometimes forcing a change is just so futile and possibly damaging. one of my high school classmates told me the other day how he thought i’d changed so much from the person who used to have a 40% attendance rate in school, and who would walk into class halfway into the school day, happily wearing pink scrunchies and a uniform skirt that was 4 inches shorter than what it should be. he also told me that he was talking to another of our classmates, and how she simply didnt believe that i’ve become so intense about my academics since i got here. i rolled my eyes, and said, yeah, she never has anything nice to say about me. but he shook his head and said — ‘no, right after that she said “but then su ann is the type of person who doesnt have to study hard to get good grades”‘.
i think once upon a time that was true. but then i got here, this wretched university, where everyone was top of their class, valedictorian of their high school, wants to take graduate or PhD level classes, is aiming for summer internships at the biggest and baddest firms — and no one ever stops to help. we were all so used to being the best and the most talented, but now that we’re here and everyone is just as good or even better, we get scared and start clawing our way hard to be ahead of the curve. it’s so exhausting. i liked it at first because it was challenging, but now i detest it because it’s changed me into someone i cant even recognize. it’s changed me into someone who went to see a doctor for muscle pains not because she couldnt sleep properly, or that she was worried about her health — but because it was affecting her ability to write fast for a time-constrained exam. i dont want to worry about where i am relative to everyone else. i dont want to feel suicidal after every exam. i dont want to have the answer key to problem sets, but refuse to copy it because i ‘want to learn things the right way’. i want to be lazy hazy and rainy. i want to flake off and borderline flunk out college. i want to major in something that has no ‘market value’. i wanna take advantage of this amazing city! and see everything! i wanna fly to london on a whim. i want to go to pittsburgh. there are so many things to do and so little time. do perfect scores in problem sets answer any real questions in life?
right now, i’m excited for Chipotle lunch! and the holy grail of all happiness, for me, at this point in time, is a Mac-compatible version of The Sims 3. :)))))))
from Nottingham, during a very popsicle, long flowy skirt, grocery shopping period of my life:
64 Comments Add your own
1. Patchi | November 14th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
i know what you mean! in a way la haha i used to study through the night during exam periods because i would get nervous and not confident if i dont! i rmb especially for sc subjects which were my best, i would forget everything the day before and then i would cry and force myself to read read read until i finish everything. it’s like cry study cry coffee study then semangat…my mum would NEVER understand how studying would give me confidence when it also makes me cry! hahah. do i make sense LOL? but this means exams for 5 days = 1 or 2 hours sleep a day and the stress!!!! OMG hate exams grrrrrr
2. pamsong | November 14th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I think I need to find me some Sunrise, too.
3. tamago | November 14th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
i’ve never studied as much as i did in this 2 weeks of exams in university than in all my 7 years of secondary school ( + form6). huh my sentence sounds somewhat gramatically incorrect. whatever :D
you look so genuinely happy in the photos. i wish you more moments like those =)
4. kay | November 14th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
i’ve been through the same stage in my uni life too. but it isn’t concerning exams but my project (am an architecture student)
now that i’m on exchange. i’m a happier person than i used to be. when grade doesn’t count, you could simply live the way you want to. but the guide could be true, why make yourself feel so bad over a small thing.
hey this is my first time commenting:)
5. reallybites | November 14th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
yalor i think you should fly to london
6. ashiebee | November 14th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
i think everyone is like that when they are in the exam-mode! i’m there, right here right now. exams on monday!!!! it is stressful, especially when you are surrounded by super smart+talented people. and it doesn’t help either when your parents have high-hopes on u….sigh.
7. michelle | November 14th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
haha. i wrote something like that.
i used to care so much about not getting a b when i was in high school but when i got to uni, i started getting bs and cs, that i cried over the things i did.
then it struck me. as long as i do the things that i love, i understand the things that i love, it doesn’t matter.
it doesn’t matter.
8. sulynn | November 14th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
i feel you. haha but i think i feel better now knowing there’s someone crazier than me :P even as i force myself to lay in bed to get some sleep sometimes the heart wont stop palpitating, the head still buzzes through the equations and theories, the hands wont stop twitching from anxiety.
thing is i get the problem. i overstress too much and it’s *just* grades dammit. but then i get stress for not being able to de-stress, haha. vicious cycle :(
but take care ok dont let it take a toll on your health! like you i had to resort to visiting the doctor (again) cos my body was going haywired from the silly pressure i put myself through
9. jiamun | November 14th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
don’t push yourself too hard. and seriously, before a test, sleep. no sleep for 32 hours or more equals an almost definite mental block. get at least 4 hours of sleep before an exam.
you’re a smart, wonderful girl. take care kay? =)
10. CraSH | November 14th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
well.. its the weekend and the weather is awesome. go take a break and relax before getting back into the books mode.
i can totally empathize what you going through. but the doctor and others telling to rest before exams are true. the rest will allow your brain to reboot and function faster.
let it be a lesson learned, do your best preparing and just focus on doing your best. till finals… good luck and keep on chugging, before you know it. you will be in honduras for winter break. ta
11. leeern | November 14th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
i’m going through the same stage :(
we used to be the best but once you step into university, you’ll think that you’re stupid and not as good as others
i’m struggling with math T_T BADLY i don’t think i can pass
ahhh.. good luck to everyone :D
12. flory | November 14th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
.hug. be your sunny rainy self! am seriously considering not going to a super-league place because i know i’d end up where you are :P the awful compulsion to be perfect without knowing exactly why. if i ever see you again it will be with a cookie in hand
13. sheon | November 14th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
aaaw pinks……i wish i could give you a BIG pat on your back and tell you everything’s gonna be all right. i reiterate what the nice security guard said to you…it’s just one small thing in your lifetime.
and so now you’ve learned a trick, sleep before your exam, ok?
you need a tough guy to give you a proper piggy back. :P
14. Voon | November 14th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
hug hug**
15. xiangyun | November 14th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Wow, such an amazing post as usual. Really sets me thinking and rearranging my priorities in life. Thank you Su Ann, for such a lovely post =]
16. oi yen | November 14th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Don’t beat yourself over this– I know you’ve heard this a 1000 times, but your grades will not matter 5 years down the road (OK la as long as you don’t go below 2.5 or something). No one will pay attention to your GPA anyway , they are more interested in hearing about your passions and the cool things you’ve done to change the world around you.
OK la, I sound so grandmotherly now, but please, please go major in something that has no ‘market value’! I wish I did, because I know that others who took the risk wake up inspired everyday to do great things and in turn, inspire others as well.
17. grace | November 14th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
i was exactly there a year ago. there was a week when i could only sleep every other day and for not very long each time, and all throughout i would ask – why on earth am i doing this to myself?!?! this is not what college is supposed to be about.
i graduated in may, and you know what? i can hardly remember most of the things i spent entire nights studying for or assignments that i toiled over.
college shouldn’t be so destructive … i don’t know why they are.
18. Gin | November 14th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
*big wet kiss*
19. Jin rui | November 15th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Okay now that you put it that way the ivies sound terrifying. Not that im deterred. Do rest su ann! I know you’ve already rested, but rest some more. What you described up there is like what i sometimes feel but ten times more intense wtf. And HOW do you tahan more than two days without sleep? I just woke up after a mere four hours of sleep and now tired gila.
But then again. Must be the exam-time adrenalin. I have yet to experience a dose of such magnitude though ;)
chill out ok! You dont wanna die of stress :( haha only you could type such a long word-only (at first) post that would have me reading it all.
20. zzzyun | November 15th, 2009 at 12:05 am
hey, i’m sure you have already realised it. but just wanna relate my own story too.
a few years ago, i alwix mugged very last minute before exams and that ended in all-nighters that i had to pull to do well in exams. it was okay in the end, torturous during the process, but okay. but there was once, as usual i didnt sleep again the night before, during the exam, there were all these questions i knew the answers too, but the answers just couldnt come out. and after i came out of the exam, voila, i had the answers in my head all along. it was just that i was so confused and sleep deprived. and yes, i flunked that exam.
but hey, after that, i tried to always at least get 5-6 hrs of sleep the night b4 exams. and now it works!
so su ann, dont stress too much and remember sleep is very important in studying as well. sleep helps consolidates what you’ve learnt.
but you’ll be fine. do take care! :)
21. adelyn | November 15th, 2009 at 12:06 am
*hugs*
haha su ann i think times like this right, it really makes us appreciate malaysian educaton even more. how we have the freedom to enjoy life, while juggling academics. mm but anyway, i learned that sleep is really important before papers! cos it gives time for the brain to consolidate whatever we’ve studied. so don’t overdo it okayy. 32 hours is.. scary. =/
22. sweatlee | November 15th, 2009 at 12:54 am
awwwwwwwwwwww. i love this post!!!!!!!! we need to meet soon. when i get back, i promise. that’s if the crazy workload of junior year doesnt get to me T_T everyone is busy getting internships in NOV 6 MONTHS BEFORE SUMMER and i really cant be bothered.
23. smartypants | November 15th, 2009 at 1:03 am
make sure you sleep & rest after sundown and sunrise is sure to await you – hugssss
24. xiao | November 15th, 2009 at 1:21 am
happy for youuuuu :)
25. Juls | November 15th, 2009 at 1:31 am
“Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
:)
26. Winnie Tan | November 15th, 2009 at 2:04 am
a very true post, I’m going through somewhat a same thing
a wakeup call in a way
I reblogged your post, I hope you don’t mind =)
27. Zeek | November 15th, 2009 at 2:47 am
i like the title. its the Tiesto album series… and yes. you need sunrise and all the happiness right now Pau.
remember grades are just somethgin we need in order to wear “ham chim peng” and take your “yau char kuay” ok. as long as you maintain your grades, there;s no need to pressure yourself targeting the big 4.0. its sunday today so kick back and relax and go listen to Clazziquai! haha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wlSogoGqnw
28. Hannah Pee | November 15th, 2009 at 3:42 am
AMEN TO THE SIMS 3! I hope you’ll have as much fun as I did creating virtual images of my friends, quirks and characteristics included. And you can download the cutest clothes online…sigh I’m such a g33k.
29. shirlynn | November 15th, 2009 at 5:22 am
omg i have never read a post that i could relate to so much than this, su ann!
i know how u feel exactly about the whole exams thing. but after 5 semesters at uni, i still don’t learn. and i still cry stress jump around, throw tantrums and come out with nonsensical nonsense before exams. i think apart from sleeping a lot more now compared to back then, the whole thing hasn’t changed much :(
glad to hear you’ve worked out a way to get thru it all tho! :)
30. choco | November 15th, 2009 at 5:53 am
This post says a lot for all of us Malaysian students. In school, we are never challenged to our limits. All of us gets good grades 17/18/21(!) A’s in SPM. We were always feed with a silver spoon. UPSR/PMR/SPM seminars? Question spotting. Its all bullshit.
When we enter university, we are literally thrown into a deep deep sea of sharks – along with multinational fishes in the same sea as us. And then, we get eaten. Not because we’re not good enough, not because we’re lazy but because we were never taught to survive in the ocean. The Malaysian education NEEDS to change, the teachers need to change their attitude to teaching. The system itself needs to change.
That being said, I am very glad I was never top of the class, top in the school, top of form, whatever. I was a rather below average student because I didn’t enjoy school. I went to school with no intention to learn, I went to school for my friends.
And look where I am now..I’m in the same university as the top of school/form/class students. Because I enjoyed my pre-U course. Because I went to college with more excitement that I have ever had throughout my years in government school. Because the teacher’s attitude were different. And I can only thank goodness that my parents could afford me such luxury.
So, here’s the thing. This feeling that you have, its mutual. We all get it, so don’t feel too bad about it. Look towards the horizon, you’re in a good university. Take up the challenge! we were never challenged. :)
Hope you see more sunshiny days !
31. Julie | November 15th, 2009 at 6:30 am
when i got to uni, i experienced the same thing as u. i pushed myself harder, compared myself to the other geniuses and realised that i’ve lost the meaning to life. where are the friends, laughter, tears that have dissappeared? very good post indeed :)
32. caffy | November 15th, 2009 at 7:34 am
So true. For my literature exam (afternoon papers), I studied and panicked throughout the morning, trying to cram full, 5 page poems into my head when i don’t have to because I was that kiasu. I studied up intensely on themes and whatnots, memorise so many bloody quotes, that when the exam paper threw me something so fucking unexpected, I panicked. And I ended up doing a less-than-awesome paper.
For Part 2 of my literature paper a week later, I stopped studying intensely a few days before, took up the “wing-it” creed, and was happily, blissfully reading Psychology books in the library for hours before the exam. I went into the exam hall smiling and optimistic. True, the paper gave me something unexpected again, but I handled it calmly this time. I’m not sure if I handed in a BETTER paper, but it sure does feel so.
You know you’re happy, you’re in your happy, blissful world, but then competition, the bigger-and-the-better shows up and imply that you’re not good enough. Clawing, and trying too hard then follows, littering many broken hearts along the way. I have learned the hard way that it’s usually not worth it. As long as you know who you are, and what you’re happy with, you’re fine. No one should tell you what you’ll need to be happy.
33. SAMANTHA | November 15th, 2009 at 7:51 am
BIG HUG!
34. Ping | November 15th, 2009 at 7:56 am
su ann, the security guard is right, that exams is just a small part in your life when you outta university life. i am sure many other people will tell you the same.
and you need and ought to get some rest instead of cramming your hours into your midterms or finals. your brain need oxygen to breathe. if you crammed your brain without letting it rest, you may end up being blank in exams. trust me. i’ve been through that. hence i always ensure i take short naps and wake up earlier to revised my notes before going to the hall but will stop and take a short break right before the examinations. when you relax it a bit, you be amazed at things you will be able to remember.
i am curious. did you choose the course because you love it or because it has a market value job that guarantees big bucks to your future?
35. nyrac | November 15th, 2009 at 8:54 am
hello su ann. london sounds like a good plan. go~!
36. B | November 15th, 2009 at 11:31 am
every sem i tell myself to put in more effort, but i still end up doing last min work and scraping by. I think I’ll live to regret what’s to become of my career sooner or later.
At least you get to lead a rewarding life with all that munny
37. kreazi | November 15th, 2009 at 11:39 am
hi su ann, havent been commenting lately, but will always try to read your blog whenever I can.. u know what? just chill :))) after all, life is far too short to worry about 101 things :P hang in there okay (((HUGS)))
38. Hannah | November 15th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Amen and amen.
39. dawnsb | November 15th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
agreed with what many of the above have said.. university life is for experimentation, for discovery and for you to celebrate your freedom and your youth. do not bog yourself down with the whimsical nature of grades. nobody will care about it 5 years down the road. and you will look back and wish you did everything differently.
it’s something to be wise about it and realize the folly road you’re taking, but another thing all together to actually take steps to meander yourself away from the superhighway (everyone seems to be taking). The road less traveled contains new mysteries, new adventures .. that will only help to enrich your life.
always trust your intuition, follow your passions and do what you’re truly good at and love doing. So what if you’re a struggling writer someday while your friends slave away at the office cruching numbers from dawn till dusk?
do not be Arendt’s animal laborans that so many of the brightest cheat themselves into becoming (hence truly failing and betraying themselves)… be the homo faber and ask why, not just how. Be a guide, be a critic. You write beautifully, so do not deprive the world of your gift.
as for the breakup — do not be fixated by the things which cause you unhappiness. love should never be something experienced in flux, so if you were unhappy… that was your better conscience and better wisdom telling you to get out.
:) I’ve been recently introduced to your blog, I am a Malaysian living in NYC as well — you have my email if you would like to grab some coffee.
40. Eluna | November 15th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Hi there Su Ann :) I think this post is something that all of us perfectionists (not just students) can relate to. This is my first comment although I’ve been following your blog for a while now. To all those reading my comment, life is a wonderful thing to have. In fact, life is too short to waste on petty things like jealousy, complaining, badmouthing, fighting, war, judging others and other forms of negativity.
Getting the biggest houses and most expensive cars, being a gazillionaire, getting recognition as Supreme Ruler of the Universe (lol) and all that stuff isn’t worth it if you aren’t enjoying your life. What’s the point of fame and glory and straight As and tons of money if you wake up everyday and go to bed in tears?
I’m 19 and I’m a very average Malaysian student, I haven’t scored any As so far in uni but I get over my disappointment fast because I know my talents lie elsewhere. My degree is definitely not going to determine how I live my life, it is merely a qualification that shows that I overcame the first hurdle of higher education. I think all of you should realize that too.
Appreciate your body, the heart that beats in your chest is the vessel that is keeping you alive. Without it, we wouldn’t even be here to complain eh? Appreciate your parents, who funded your studies. Appreciate your friends, the university, the grass, the sky, the mountains, the ground you walk on, the clothes on your back…every little thing you could possibly think of.
Don’t waste your life away, everyone. Remember to pursue your dreams and whatever you guys end up doing in life, make sure it is something that puts a smile on your face each day.
41. zheng | November 15th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
you are like me actually, in use of most right brain–super awesome and comfortable coconuting with languages but having a mess of your life in math haha. our left brain are only left with logical thinking (very lil) and organized. i used to be the only happy person drawing muscle and why-ig ALL THE TIME when solving add maths.
its not that bad, really :)
42. christock | November 15th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
that guy looks a little like Song Jun =__=
43. yy | November 15th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
cheer up su ann! i went through college the same way, freaking out just before midterms/finals each semester. i think i started to mellow out when i first got a grade that marred my 4.0 GPA dreams, but that turned out to be for the better, because after that i was like, now it won’t be perfect anyway so i might as well enjoy myself in college. and i did have a better time after that!
that said, i think it’s inevitable to stress out before major exams (i’m in grad sch now and i’m still freaking out). but looking back, i realize that anything less than an A doesn’t mean i’m any less of a person, and there are a lot more things that are more important to me.
so cherish your college days, hang out more with your friends, and go where your heart brings you to. i only wish i could have done more of all these when i was in college :)
44. Charlie | November 16th, 2009 at 1:13 am
Dude check your gmail
45. peach | November 16th, 2009 at 1:17 am
you already know how to live life and enjoy it!!!
don’t let someone else tell you how to live it :)
♥
hugs from canada
46. Aurey | November 16th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Oh my.. A Joshua Radin concert.. Wish I could go to one. Amazing singer and too bad about your mid terms but at least you learned a valuable lesson from it.
47. amy | November 16th, 2009 at 6:58 am
*sigh* why do you always articulate my own feelings so well when even i cant do it myself T_T
im doing my bar in london and it is HELL. everyone here is from oxford or cambridge, or has several degrees under their belt already, or has done masters or phd, or has been accepted to several pupillages or some other nonsense like that.
i suffered my first panic attack last year and have been having them every exam since. CRAP. i never used to give a damn in high school, but now im reduced to a cowering mess every exam. WHAT IS THIS! *angry at self*
48. weiqi | November 16th, 2009 at 7:18 am
i know it’s easy for people to ask you to go to sleep, i am one of those who ask people to take rest but i am also on of those not resting and stressing myself out.
but still, get more rest and more stories from friends. laughter is the best medicine =)
49. Justin | November 16th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I like your smile in the pictures. =)
Anyway, even though you might fail exams (have you ever?), always remember that you’re awesome.
Never experienced something like this before, still in high school (I’m 13), but I’m at an apparently ‘elite’ school. Which is totally paradoxical, looking at the racist people in the first SK class. Sigh. Still sticking to slacking, though.
Anyway, good luck, and smile more. =) Exams don’t matter down the road, I think, and you’ll probably be somewhere awesome.
50. bs | November 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
lim su ann i like reading the comments your readers give! haha kbye *random*
51. pinkpau | November 17th, 2009 at 5:01 am
thank u all for the kind comments :))) i wish i could reply you all but i have a long philosophy paper due in abt 6 hours :( but thank u for all the love. :) i actually got my midterm grade back– i didnt flunk but it wasnt all that good.. so reading all your comments reminded me again of what’s important.
52. anonymous | November 17th, 2009 at 5:17 am
I can totally relate to u here. I used to be this care-free person who couldn’t care less but as i aged i start to worry about my action e.g. what would happen if i do this. I started to worry about the circumstances of my action way too much and this stopped me from living my life. M currently in the road to recovering the carefree side of me and hope u will recover urs too soon. Just to share a quote with u: ” better to write for urself n have no public then to write for the public and have no self.”
53. ctealeaf | November 17th, 2009 at 6:06 am
True story: I used to be top student in my primary school, high school and college (with minimal effort). I won a scholarship to study in Australia and for the 1st time I find myself in a very unfamiliar situation. I am surrounded by hardworking AND smart students. I managed to survive university after tonnes of stressful days and many tears shed after and before exams. I did come out with a University Medal. But you know what?.. University is just the start of the journey. The results help you get through the interview doors. Ultimately, it is the communication skills, organization skills and critical thinking skills that will win you the job. It is very easy to be totally stress out by mid-term and grades.. Always remember there is a higher goal out there that we ultimately want to achieve. And it has nothing to do with grades.
54. miamihero | November 17th, 2009 at 10:24 am
really love this post. this is the first time i’m commenting on your blog and you know what, this post inspires me alot. so.. THANK YOU! btw, it’s true that we have so many things in life to take care of.. exams are just a small little tiny part out of it. :D
55. dav | November 17th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Hey, pinkpau u got the great school and it’s normal to feel like that…so no worries and people do learn from their failure anyway. **hugs***
56. Adelina | November 17th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I went through the exact same thing today. Well maybe, minus the doctors and counseling (not quite there yet!). But I’m pretty sure I flunked my final presentation, that I worked so hard for the entire semester, and at the very last moment, everything just crumbled before my eyes.
I broke down in class, in between classes, and even after class. My mom who has not seen me cry for the past 2 years suddenly didn’t know what to do with me. I cried the entire day, beating myself up for what had happened and convincing myself that I was a complete and utter failure.
It’s about 2am where I’m at and I just wanna say thank you for writing this. I read every word and I needed this. I agree. There’s more to life than a 4.0. I think it’s crazy the things we turn into just for grades.
Have fun at that concert! And, Chipotle is AMAZING! <3
57. Alynna | November 17th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I fell asleep 3 times in my last paper and then wrote answers for another exam in it too. Best giler, right? So I’ve definitely missed my high distinction now. :P
But they’re exams. And I know that what the security guard said to you is entirely right; during exam period, the world completely shrunk to only accommodate my campus. But life is not gonna take that lying down. As soon as it’s over, the rest of the world comes to life again. :)
Hope you’re feeling much better now.
58. Mar | November 18th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Why.. So.. Serious..?
Ok k k.. On a serious note, um, good that you’re finding back the meaning of life. Keep working hard, but play just as hard.
I think what you’re going through is called.. um, it’s known as… arrrrr.. it’s what some say to be part of…. — growing up.
Cheers.
59. RAY7 | November 18th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I can totally relate to this post. Thanks for bringing me back to a part that im trying very hard to leave it behind.
It happened back in my uni days in Brisbane, Australia undertaking a finance paper where 2/3 of the students fail miserably. The tears, pain, stress, insomia, massive amount of caffeine intake that’ll keeps the elepahants awake onl;y to ended up black ourt in the exam hall. It hurt so bad till this day. once in a while i’ll still have night mare about it.
Whatever is over is over. life has gotta move on. let’s move forward & learn from it. lesson learned : do not try to change stuff that will garuanteee results for stuff that are not proven by us eventhough is considered as ‘good’ or ‘better’ coz at teh end of the day, it is us that do the battle & who else other than us ourself that know oneself the best.
60. RAY7 | November 18th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Im going to Joshua Radin concert too. how can I catch a glimpse of you??
61. Caroline | November 18th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Thanks for the great post, definitely reminded me of my ‘caught-up-with-madness” days…like they say, work hard, play hard and sleep MORE! ;)
P.s. Sims 3 is AWESOME!
62. aomee | November 20th, 2009 at 8:00 am
there there at least your sense of humour’s intact.
the Joshua Radin concert that i’m going to this week. the irony in the fact that i typed Radian instead of Radin just now.
totally made my day
63. aimee | November 20th, 2009 at 8:03 am
frick. i spelt my own name wrongly.
again.
64. chm | November 20th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
eh to hell with it. malas wanna comment crap. what i noe is dat u need hugs. here is one frm me *hugs* ^^
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