I Jumped Into Cold Water
November 24th, 2009
heartbroken people should avoid concerts, i think. and since we are all heartbroken people, i suppose that none of us should ever attend concerts. last week, i went to watch Joshua Radin’s show at Webster Hall. i went with some friends from school, but i left them because i’d found what i thought was the best seat in the house– some tall speakers right next to the stage, atop which i hastily clambered and found myself at eye-level with the man himself. i was thrilled at first, but quickly realized it was a big mistake, because i could see everyone. webster hall is quite small. i could see all of the girls being cradled from behind by their tall boyfriends, his chin on her head, as they swayed together to the music. i could see all of the guys going to get drinks for their girlfriends, and those girlfriends holding their boyfriends’ coats as they waited. there was this one couple right in front of me — the guy kept twirling his girlfriend’s hair around his fingers, and many times he would lean down and press his face into her hair (it was so golden and soft-looking). she smiled much. i wondered if she was happy.
i felt sad as i watched everything. is this how god feels? all these songs are about me, i couldn’t help but feel, and because god has so many songs written about him, he must be sad too. is he lonely as he watches over everything? where do all these people in love come from? and why are they always at concerts?
for all of the concerts that i’ve been to lately, i’ve been missing someone. that someone is always far away, whether in hong kong, new york, australia, china, london or singapore. i’m somehow always in these situations. perhaps i’m a sucker for pain. let me tell you guys the story of the Bangkok 100 Rock Festival that i went to a few years ago. i was 18 and so young, and that time feels like showers and showers of meteors away, but the truth is that i’m only 21 now and three years isnt that long a time. when i was 12 i used to read blogs of 21 year old girls in towns scattered all over the world, and i would think, wow, how old these girls are, and how real their lives seem to me, this 12 year old in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, who was, for the most part, quite happy. now i am their age. but my life doesnt seem real to me at all. Unnecessary Tangent Counter = 1.
the point was… the concert in bangkok. so i boarded the very colorful Thai Airways plane, and i remember thinking how easy it was to swathe capitalism in happy purple and yellow seats, big posters exclaiming ‘fair trade coffee!’, big smiles, buy 1 free 1 promotions. but before i knew it i was at the concert site. did i know that i was going to meet the love of my life there? probably not. i wanted to hold his hand but i was afraid. perhaps it was possible that i’d always loved this guy. i remember him feeding me cut-up sausages with a skewer stick, and us sharing a big cup of Coke, but i don’t remember if he held me from behind as we listened to Oasis and Snow Patrol.
lots of things are hazy now in my memory. i dont remember how many nights i stayed, or if i was nervous before i met him. these days, i’m thankful to have him in my life because he saves me from drowning. the last time i was back in KL, i was supposed to help him with some shopping, but the day started and ended with me storming out of his car angrily in the middle of a vast and congested road. he never came back for me, so i kept walking. i could have walked off the edge of a cliff in the middle of bukit bintang and he would never have known. sometimes i think i need to check that fervid temper of mine.
i dont have much to say today. i’m really quite emotionally drained, as i tend to be these days due to nothing at all. it’s the start of a new week, i know, but i had such a restful weekend that spanned extra days. my favorite parts: a dusty evening nestled among old books at the strand, ice skating at bryant park, playing drinking games over lychee soju and the best fried chicken in the world (now sold in singapore too), hearing Sandstorm being played at a club, and the 12-hour sleep i got on Friday. blissful rarities! but these things can become undone so swiftly just by one wrong move. but then again, i’ve always been lucky.
Winter by Joshua Radin
I should know who I am by now
I walk the record stand somehow
Thinkin’ of winter
The name is the splinter inside me
While I wait
And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown
And I remember the truth
A warm December with you
But I don’t have to make this mistake
And I don’t have to stay this way
If only I would wake
The walk has all been cleared by now
Your voice is all I hear somehow
Calling out winter
Your voice is the splinter inside me
While I wait
at the concert, he told us that the inspiration for this song came to him as he was walking along 1st avenue, between 3rd and 4th — which is the name of his first EP. but of course that’s where it had to happen.
Entry Filed under: Musings
22 Comments Add your own
1. kei | November 24th, 2009 at 4:35 am
i discovered joshua radin’s songs through greys anatomy and have been hooked since then.
omg i can relate to the 12-year old you because i remember reading ur old blog when i was 14, wow-ing at how great it must be to be ur age then. and now im 18, but it doesnt feel as great as i thought it’d be. :(
2. Gin | November 24th, 2009 at 4:52 am
hahaha. my perfect weekend was a reminder of the heartbreak i had to endure on monday.tragic.
3. nyrac | November 24th, 2009 at 4:56 am
when people asked me why i liked reading blogs, i said it allowed me a peephole into the lives of other people, the kind of life that i can only dream about, like yours. now you’re 21, and i’m 23, and those secondary school days seem so far away. you’re on the other side of the globe, and i’m still here, but it’s okay, because someday my chance will come anyway.
and on an unrelated (or maybe it is related) note, i share my favourite quote from my favourite yasmin ahmad movie, “mukhsin”. “but love is kind, it gives us second chances.” so here’s to second, and third, and fourth, and fifth chances at love, and keeping our temper in check :)
4. kit | November 24th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Josh Radin.
In Search of Sun Rise.
BAH!
5. derrin | November 24th, 2009 at 5:54 am
I love love love joshua radin’s ‘today’.
it’s so lovey dovey, and yet, it hurts deep inside when you don’t have that someone anymore.
6. Winnie | November 24th, 2009 at 6:12 am
that sadness, loneliness & missing that someone while watching lovey dovey gestures, i feel you. hugs for you, pinkpau.
7. LennyTheLion | November 24th, 2009 at 6:24 am
how true..need a snuggle every time i hear such songs..
8. Ping | November 24th, 2009 at 7:28 am
i know and feels what exactly you feels now. the feeling of lonely heartbroken. i looked back at 2007 where it was the happiest time of my life and look at how things are now, 2 years later, i wonder where is the happy, bubbly me? there is so much happiness back then but why is now, all i can feel is sadness, pain and the tears that washes my face?
*hugs*
9. aimee | November 24th, 2009 at 8:05 am
love this song. this entry was beautiful by the way
10. Joisle | November 24th, 2009 at 8:12 am
My ex introduced me to Joshua Radin. And the last time we met he went on about Radin’s recent concert in Melbourne.
I like Radin’s music too. I love it in fact. But I each time i hear it it reminds me of him. Of course, I don’t tell him that…
Conclusion, Joshua Radin makes us emo… lol…
11. Artie | November 24th, 2009 at 8:52 am
My my, emo much?
But then again I know how you feel. You poor thing. You should come home and we should talk about emo things and cry wtf wtf
But it sure sounds like a productive weekend.
How I wish I had it in me to make my weekends less wasted.
12. Justin | November 24th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I love that song! It’s sad and so damn nice at the same time. Great post, beautiful.
13. mae | November 24th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I watched him here in Aust just a few weeks back. The entire crowd was so still. And Joshua Radin is a really couply sort of concert I guess if you know what I mean?
But I know how you felt because I felt exactly the same.
14. sheon | November 24th, 2009 at 11:28 am
yeah, where does all the lovey dovey couples come from? i wonder if they’d take me in?….
i hope to attend a snow patrol concert someday….
15. Passerby | November 24th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Happiness is in front of us, sometimes, it is just ourselves who had been looking backward. Let time be the best healer, and go forth and enjoy! n_n
16. carol | November 24th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
eeeeee new comment box style thingy!!! ahaha ya i know very random.
come lsa let me give you a big hug :)
17. michelle | November 24th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I read this with some really emo classical guitar piece playing in the background
i shall declare today as Poignant day!
18. *dAwN | November 24th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
I first listened to “Closer” song of Joshua Radin, but hadn’t follow through to his other songs.
I understand how you feel though because it is also something that I’ve felt when I went to concerts. To see the other couples swaying together listening to music while I was all alone by myself. I think that it will always be that way for me. :)
19. fatcat | November 25th, 2009 at 4:51 am
I first read your blog when I was 14/15 and your life seems real to me – college, dorm mates, heartaches, etc. I hope it’ll be as awesome as I’m envisioning it when I get there.
20. zhi wei | November 25th, 2009 at 7:09 am
what a profound entry.
i like.
21. Mar | November 25th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Music moves us all. I’d listen through Linkin Park’s albums if ever I’d get into your shoes — cos their songs are almost tragic and forceful yet redeeming but I’m not recommending them, cos instead I’d recommend the vitamin-like tunes from this album: Natalie Imbruglia’s “White Lilies Island”. ‘Beauty On The Fire’ sould heal it a little…
Or you could always bury yourself within a friend’s shoulder and let those tears loose.
22. kim | November 25th, 2009 at 8:50 am
I saw Josh in concert in Melbourne last month and he was the most self-effacing and funny musician I’d ever seen perform. And all those feelings you described were stirred inside me too.
Leave a Comment
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed