This Other Time Last Year
December 27th, 2009
life has this strange way of doing things. it wraps around us like silky snakes, distracting us from what we think we know, luring us into its lair, confusing us, confounding trust, and then one day it just leaves. it just leaves, and we’re standing there dazed and nauseated, wondering what in the world just happened? i am suddenly back here.
this other time last year, i was listening to the sound of silence as big, plump, potent drops of tears splashed like painful rocks down my cheeks. if i am remembering correctly, silence sounds like the tinkling crashing of needles falling together in a messy and dissonant heap. how spoilt and loved i was, amidst all that wreckage and the jagged edges. had i known, would i have? how many people did it take to warn me, and yet i did not stop? but this is not about that. this will not, ever, again be about that. the motto of the year: less spite.
this is about love; about warm, airy, thudding, murmuring love that both makes my heart race and holds it quietly. it is utterly surreal and nauseating how everything is inflated and upside down. i’m getting a huge trip just trying to jigsaw everything into perspective. today we went out and he said something mean and i thought, wow, this is just like how it used to be, only not as bad. we sat quietly in the car and i was on the brink of tears, yet again, and this is just what we used to do, only not as painfully as once upon that time. then there was the slightly uncomfortable lunch where my mind was charging like lightning and i had so many things i wanted to say but not enough space in the front of my lips to say it all and i was running and tumbling and he was obviously confused and it all became one convoluted and frustrating mess, just like how we are now.
i woke up this morning and my throat hurt from the dust. like singapore. i woke up this morning and my heart hurt. like hong kong. i woke up this morning and was in that black tshirt i don’t remember ever having seen. amazingly enough, this is just like bangkok. at camp davis, with the sticky tamarind sauce in the noodles. it’s almost like coming full circle. insurance, he once said. was i the insurance? was i the other bowl of noodles, hastily bought just in case? analogies musn’t be taken too far, he also said. how i rolled my eyes. how i thought to myself, who does this guy think he is. so he read a little neil strauss and thinks he’s all that? but the world, the neighborhood, time, cameras, old cigarettes, black wispy curtains, everything that was inhaled so vehemently into this vortex has now been spat back out as heavily disfigured versions of their old selves. i’m staring at the empty and frightening contents on the floor. there is now a cat. there is now no letters, or birthday cake in the fridge, or old books with old lovers’ writing looping over the first page. but as i was putting on my shoes this morning, i caught sight of the big bottles of water. and my heart leapt, oh my god how my heart leapt. i remember now– i’d said, you are so pseudo environmental, look at all these plastic bottles you have amassed. and now it seems that i have been yanked by the stomach into this old time and old place. i’m not complaining. i just want to look, and absorb, and feel, and be so happy that there are some things that just do not change.
sky bar tonight was strange. it was awfully strange. i’ve heard this so many times- just do it, just do it. seize the day. but i’m lazy, and tired, and guilty, and scarred, and scared. so many things to do in 10 days’ time, how do i do them all perfectly? i am in good standing for everything, but i’m either in love with something and damn good with something else, or find one challenging, and find the other the safer choice. everything is an iteration. it is all an undeniable and inescapable pattern. what’s the answer? follow your heart. do what you love. do what makes you happy. kindness is the most important thing.
my mother gigglingly stole the painting for the living room. she recklessly ran down the stairs with it, almost tripping over the size of the canvas, complaining that she should have the painting because it looks more like her than it does me. so it now sits tentatively on the console table across the doorway, amidst some mesh lanterns (stolen from my room as well, while i was away), a model of a rickety bicycle, and a melange of coasters procured from her various journeys all over the klang valley. the painting is titled Waiting.
Entry Filed under: General
32 Comments Add your own
1. kei | December 27th, 2009 at 4:29 am
where’d u get that paintttinggg haha why isit so cute!ehhh and those lamps in front of the painting right isit from ikea?
hahaha sometimes i look at what my life has become and i get so surprised at how things are so different. and how so many things can change in a matter of a few months. somehow it feels like some joke- that life is just pulling my legggg :(
2. Zeek | December 27th, 2009 at 4:37 am
hey pau, merry (belated) christmas? haha.. and welcome home! you sure have endless of meetings and parties to attend to.. so, enjoy yourself! :)
3. nyrac | December 27th, 2009 at 5:25 am
when i first saw the painting, the first thing that came to mind was, “ponyo!” then i realized it wasn’t. if you haven’t watched ponyo on the cliff by the sea already, please do. you sound like you need your heart warmed lately :)
4. Artificially Tamtim | December 27th, 2009 at 8:55 am
effing hell…
corkscrews and loopy loops, they never stop coming do they
5. michelle | December 27th, 2009 at 9:52 am
You can wait.
Wait
for the sun to shine
Wait
for love to arrive
But don’t make waiting
As your prime
Seize the day
Enjoy the sublime. :)
6. roger | December 27th, 2009 at 10:25 am
“For you I linger
the silent noise like trains collide.”
Meh I know what it’s like.
7. songjun | December 27th, 2009 at 11:02 am
see u should have spent christmas in Notts, we had an awesome christmas dinner that year :P
8. Not martian | December 27th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Again Martian! What is wrong with you? What is the problem Su?? Just get back together already and stop whining about how awful your life is you have no idea how lucky you are silly girl….
9. Voon | December 27th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
wow. u know. you are really mysterious.
10. quaintly | December 27th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
kei : the painting was a gift, and it was done by a local artist called queenie chow. and no the lamps are not from ikea! i bought them from a flea market. and about the leg-pulling of life– sometimes the evolutions can be so exciting, no? it’s like we have the opportunity to live so many lives :)
zeek : merry belated christmas to you too!! and a happy new year :)
nyrac : i have noooo idea what a ponyo is, but i do know that a friend of mine refers to her toy as a ponyo. i thought she made up that word…
artificially : no they do not. FASTER COME BACK
michelle : i am indulging in some very sublime kaya toast right now :) i miss kaya!
roger : consolatory hugs. we should form a support group
songjun : yalar you lar
not martian : wow who the fuck are you? i do not actually think my life is awful or unlucky. if you can only read writing one way, may i suggest that you not continue reading my blog? cos it’s going to keep bugging you forever until you learn that you cant always apply your own life to other people’s lives
voon : hahahaha one has to be, with people like Not Martian reading my blog and thinking they know exactly what im talking about even when they dont know me
11. Mar | December 28th, 2009 at 1:03 am
Cats are lovely. Just like the painting too. You lucky one..
Looking for an answer? The answer is…. There’s no one worded complete answer.There are just lessons, experiences, growth, sadness, love, despair, elation and everything else in between.
12. anonymous123 | December 28th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Cheer up Su Ann. You’re a beautiful and talented young woman, and I know there’s an equally talented young man at Columbia who fell in love with you some time ago…
13. Gin | December 28th, 2009 at 2:47 am
ponyo is a studio ghibli cartoon!!! go watch!! very you wan!!
and actually yah.. the painting looks like ure mum. wtf.
14. Voon | December 28th, 2009 at 2:49 am
i was gonna write a comment about not martian’s post but I thought it would be rude… LOL!! but shame on him, what a dick.
eeee u know what.. i regret not going home. i need to tell u about my drama trip sometime when i’m not so sour about it.
p/s when i saw the picture for the first time, i thought wow what a big picture, relative to the bicycle. ee but its a toy bicycle. u cheats me!!!!!!
p/ss (response to zeek’s post) ponyo is a animation by miyazaki :P do u watch anything by him? he is really really good.
15. Voon | December 28th, 2009 at 2:50 am
oh forgot to say. it means goldfish i think
16. Simon Seow | December 28th, 2009 at 3:06 am
Waiting to go back to the rightful place? lol
17. songjun | December 28th, 2009 at 8:11 am
what me, you the one who lari not me :P
18. Zeek | December 28th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Voon, i think you “tersalah” reply me. ive never heard of this Issey Miyake guy. ill go check it out! hahah..
ok, i got it, Miyazaki.
19. Jin Rui | December 28th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
how come you get to feel so much emotion.
haha. sometimes i envy you.
20. TheRealAnonymous | December 28th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
How come I never get presents that are THAT big? =(
21. Garf1eld | December 29th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Just feel syok, just browsing around. Anyway, just to say hi so that you know I got come here. :P
22. michelle | December 29th, 2009 at 6:30 am
now now, you make me wanna have kaya too. :(
23. Irene | December 29th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Oh wow, Su Ann. You are featured in Dailychilli : !!!
24. raZZbeRRy | December 30th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Hey Su Ann, I’ve been keeping up with your blog since the very beginning (or at least for more than two years, I think) and I think you are very expressive when you write. I believe you find writing therapeutic. I can’t say I completely know what you’re going through, but y’know in a way I can relate to the “end of the year” feeling. It’s a day before New Year’s eve, and I just simply feel down. In a way, I’d think you’d understand me. Happy New Year, babe, in case I don’t catch you in time :).
25. TummyRumble | December 30th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
nice painting :D
26. xiangyun | December 31st, 2009 at 12:39 pm
This is totally irrelevant, but I think I saw you in 1 Utama on the 31st at the escalator inside of Parkson. =] Happy New Year!
27. meeko | December 31st, 2009 at 1:58 pm
hehe saw you at 1utama today too. with your bf? :)
28. xiao | January 1st, 2010 at 5:12 am
i echo what i said about your tweets >:(
TEARS AT HAIR GUESSING
29. Karl Jung | January 2nd, 2010 at 12:28 am
Er grammar error? “there is now no letters…”
Shouldn’t it be are instead of is? Unless my eyes have fooled me?!?! @_@
30. LJY | January 2nd, 2010 at 1:32 pm
you know i always love your posts. and i almost always have something i want to add and agree with. but sometimes i just want to leave simple and almost frivolous comments.
like this one.
you are SO absolutely cute in that picture! and of course i adore the painting’s title. :)
31. Eve | January 4th, 2010 at 11:52 am
u write so beautifully and u r so youngg!!!
32. val | January 5th, 2010 at 11:31 am
oh pinkpau you write so so beautifully! ive been reading your blog for quite a few years now and i often wish i had the ability to express myself as well as you can. i don’t really comment much but i just felt like.. i should today and i don’t quite know why either. i just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful entries ive read over the years! i’ve seen kevin the spartan around back when i was in junior college (im from singapore) but never got the opportunity to know him personally. haha hope to read the story about how you got to know him soon! : )
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