i feel like i must have mentioned this before, but sometimes from the backseat of the cab i catch a glimpse of a (nearly perfect) new york city apartment window, complete with the warm yellow light and billowing white curtains, and something in my heart seems to almost pull me into the future. for a brief moment i am in that afterlife, stirring awake and putting on a bathrobe to get the door. that sudden flash is all i hang on to during the times i sit down to seriously consider my job options and which city i want to live in after i graduate. isn’t it crazy how time flies… this time one year ago i was back home, spending christmas day in ikea with a guy i thought i knew but barely speak to these days. two years ago i was in barcelona, making big mistakes that gave me the final nudge into adulthood as i tripped blindly along. three years ago i spent all of december writing application essays to the colleges i would come to consider enrolling in some months from then. and everything before that seems like a dream, a feathery-edged dream i can think of but can’t access.
this year, i’m spending christmas and new year’s in new york city for the first time since i’ve been here. i just got back from a quick but fun dinner at my favorite ramen place with some of my most favorite people in the world. sandwiched between andrew and kafka is really quite a good place to be! kafka stayed on in the east village to grab some drinks with his friends, but i came home for the solitude. it’s been a while since i’ve been home alone, and for the first time in a long time i actually felt like writing something. it’s almost as if i’ve forgotten how to be alone, and a small part of me enjoys it but the biggest part misses kafka, andrew, carol, adrian, nyc et al. the suite is so silent and still without my roommate, who has returned to texas for the holidays. the city itself is quiet as it lies low after the blizzard that just hit the northeast. as italo calvino would say, there is no telling if the city hidden under that mantle (of snow) is still the same, or if in the night, another had taken its place.
kafka asked the other day if i would accept a job offer that warranted i close my blog down, which as most of us know, is a non-negotiable requirement that shows itself quite often in the fields i’m dipping my toes in. i didn’t have to think too long about it before i decided that if i really wanted the job, i’d close down my blog. the 15-year-old me would have recoiled in horror and felt like a sell-out, but the 22-year-old me did not. i guess in some ways i have outgrown this blog, and in many other ways i have become so tired of having to constantly defend myself over what i write here. it’s not even about stuff like getting attacked over my opinions or nasty anonymous comments, but simply how the most vicious of people in my life — i can just see them rolling their eyes now! — find little ways to tunnel holes in my existence from the (mis)information they glean from what few sentences i string together. it sounds vague, i know, but it’s just as confusing to me too. nevertheless, there are very little things i feel like sharing with what’s left of my readers these days. the blogging world is muchly missed by me, but at least i know for now that some of my favorite Big Bloggers are there for me to live vicariously through.
today i feel quite contented. it’s a feeling i don’t often feel, so this is quite nice! a liquid me is being poured back into the old mould of me. if you’re an old reader who has or hasn’t commented in a while, do comment and tell me what you’ve been up to! please! i’ll read anything. even if you’re a new reader, tell me something about you, before i disappear again!
P.S. : for the record, i didn’t write this post to look for reasons or support to keep my blog open! it’s just so peaceful and quiet tonight that i almost can’t deal with it :) so i just wanted to hear from some of you. talk to meeeeeeee
