Hi
January 21st, 2010
2009 was the year that i thought i found myself, but had actually lost my way. i emerged from the old year startled, sleepy, confounded, and most of all, very sad. it’s a little akin to waking up and realizing you’re in a different body and a different life. i made so many decisions the 17 year old me would have been ashamed of, and worst of all, i didn’t realize these decisions were bad for me until it was too late. i trusted too many of the wrong people, then stopped trusting altogether for a while, and forgot how to numb myself to things that just weren’t worth it. i believed in the wrong side of myself, and suppressed the right side, thinking it worthless and irrelevant simply because someone told me so. i fell in love and out of love. earned some scars along the way from literal and figurative barbed wire– huge gash on leg and heart now. spent a lot time doing things i hated doing and little to no time doing the things that were good for my soul. i even spent the dawn of the new year slightly wrong.
i was trying to fill out that new year’s meme that i tend to do most years. but the strange thing was that i could remember nothing. i couldn’t — and still can’t — remember my happiest moment, or my saddest moment. i cant remember anything at all, and that’s really strange considering how 2009 was the year i’d lost myself. i think i should be able to remember it if i lost myself. but i suppose the mind works in strange ways, and now i don’t remember anything. which, i think, is a blessing. i’m lucky again.
the first weeks of the new year have been very emotionally tumultuous. lots of have things have unfortunately been affecting me in ways that they shouldn’t be. it’s the same old stuff — frustrating people politics, the looming fear of failure, the peter pan syndrome, and being gashed at by people whom i trusted with my entire heart — only in measures more than i could handle. but i suppose it takes stuff that is this overwhelming and this torrential for me to say, i’m out of here. i’m done with this. i’m done with this completely awful trade. it was the wake up call that i really needed, and i think i’m stirring from the ashes as a newer and stronger person. i’ve found these well-hidden brooks of confidence. and i’ve found …
so the new year is looking really, really good. i dont have a plan, but i like it just the way it is. i cleaned out my room and it feels so free. i bought this jar of aromatherapy oil from Sabon and got a lot of new music which i’m now shaking my shoulders to. i’m taking classes i love (okay lah there’s still some math). loving people i love. had pancakes by myself and the new yorker this morning. for the first time ever i think i’m glad i’m here. i could learn to love this school and this city. i think the hugest wedge in my 2009 was that i was so preoccupied with trying to find out what the world needs. it was a set of blinders that threw me down a direction that just wasn’t meant for me. but now i’m doing things that make me come alive. and i guess that old quote is right– the world needs people who’ve come alive.
pardon the brevity but i have some catching up to do with life. talk soon! :)
Entry Filed under: General
21 Comments Add your own
1. Victor | January 21st, 2010 at 4:14 am
Well, as cliche as it sounds, it takes some wrong turns to find the right one. Often we cringe over how we could have done in retrospection, but at the same time, we were unaware that it’s precisely those bitter experiences that grants us the insight to see things clearer. There’s never a wasted year.
Oops, I sounded old. I’m sure 2010 be as exciting and fulfilling as ever.
2. kei | January 21st, 2010 at 4:36 am
im glad that the start of 2010 was better than your 2009! :D and i think a lot of us do the whole mistrusting the wrong people. but then what i tell myself time and time again when that happens is, that im the one with better principles. and no matter how many people i mistrust, amazingly the number of people i trust so much and who never betrayed that trust always outweight the number of people who i mistrusted. im sure its the same for you suann so here’s to never giving up in peopleeeeee or trusting
3. F | January 21st, 2010 at 4:36 am
you need a Time Turner (so you can take that amazing lit class and the socio class at one go). and it’s okay not to remember. i’ve stopped remembering a lot of memories and things, and as a result i don’t have many stories to tell people.
also, probably less about what the world needs than what you need, which will turn out nicely for the world. :)
4. ShaolinTiger | January 21st, 2010 at 4:36 am
*pengsan*
5. KY | January 21st, 2010 at 5:45 am
brevity? it’s already too long!
6. michelle | January 21st, 2010 at 6:06 am
Hey back. 2009 was the year in which I’ve wasted many tears on but I do not think 2010 would be like that too.
as they say, sunshine after storm! i believe in that a lot. :)
7. haze Long | January 21st, 2010 at 7:12 am
let’s have a good year!!! happies**
8. Zeek | January 21st, 2010 at 8:58 am
lots of new music? talking about that, i just made a compilation of songs you should have in 2010 in my blog entry. you know where to find my blog yea?! let’s share. :) gtg now. have a flight to catch later.
9. sheon | January 21st, 2010 at 12:16 pm
i need a new phone for 2010 :) so lets all have a great year ahead!!
10. Peggy | January 21st, 2010 at 12:30 pm
I think we all need to lose our way every once in awhile – else, how can we be found? As with so many things, it is often the journey that matters, not the end and as cliched as it sounds, it is what does not destroy us that makes us stronger.
We don’t know the depths of our own strength, the power of our own ideals, the lines we dare not cross, until we are pushed to our very limits. At least now, despite the scars, both physical and emotional, you know who you are better and self knowledge can never be a bad thing.
Happy new year – 2010 will be grand for you, if only you make it so.
11. sweatlee | January 21st, 2010 at 1:01 pm
hello goodbye see u again
12. Voon | January 21st, 2010 at 1:12 pm
i once fell in love with someone. after a while she was gone. but i couldnt stop wondering if she loved me or not…..
13. Dvan | January 21st, 2010 at 2:24 pm
I agree with Victor. Learn from the mistakes in 2009 and make 2010 a better year. Take one step at a time and we will carve out a better year.. I know because 2009 is not a year I wanna remember too..^.~
p/s happy new year to you!!
14. jon | January 21st, 2010 at 10:05 pm
I always says this to myself, it is my choice to trust and love this person. I can always not love them, not trust them, but i choose to do that. As it is something voluntary, i try not to expect anything in return from them. If they trust me and love me back, it would be great! A blessing. But if they don’t, it does not really matter because at the end of the day, it is how much love you have given to the world. Cheer up kiddo..
15. Adrian | January 21st, 2010 at 11:31 pm
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” – C.S. Lewis
16. yosie | January 22nd, 2010 at 12:39 am
hm it’s been a while since i commented on here. how was/is your trip? glad your new year has started off well. we’re all continuously learning in life but our experiences do shape us as people. good luck with your classes this semester.
17. Gallivanter | January 22nd, 2010 at 2:04 am
Happy New Year! :-D Bet you didn’t expect that comment! Haha!
18. celeste | January 22nd, 2010 at 3:29 am
have a great year ahead pinky!!! <3 btw do u still want pinky bars for 2010? hahaha
19. fern | January 22nd, 2010 at 9:50 pm
this year, i’ve learnt that it’s okay to lose yourself.
you’ll rediscover yourself – stronger, better, wiser
(:
20. adelyn | January 23rd, 2010 at 12:10 am
stay happy this year ok pinkpau? :D
21. peach | January 27th, 2010 at 5:12 am
sounds absolutely wonderful.
go you :)
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