No, I’m not gonna talk about the allah-tuhan-hantu suci issue that’s going on in Malaysia right now. In fact I think religion is the cause of so much of the world’s problems that the less airtime we give it the better. God is fully capable of defending herself. Instead we should dilute religion’s influence by talking about more pressing issues, like human rights, charity, the environment and cats. That’s right, cats, god’s beautiful creatures, are a subject of equal spiritual weight with religion.

A cat, in particular a kitten, is not an easy creature to cohabit with. It’s sulky, arrogant, self-serving and to say the least, reckless with its relationship with you. Believe you me, it is prepared to die rather than let you have your way. Behind that innocent exterior is a mind scheming to murder you and needing love at the same time which presents a dilemma of formidable proportions.

So why own a cat? Because, let’s face it, we are needy and specifically we are needy to be in companionship with beautiful creatures. A cat is a beautiful creature. We are also intrigued by a cat’s mysterious ways. Its sweet purring and mewing, its enthusiastic pursuit of fur balls, are stuff that keep us awake at night. It keeps us guessing about where we stand in their eyes and when they finally acknowledge our existence and accept our love it gives us the validation we crave. The rare bestowing of conversation, laughter and warmth by your cat gives credence to your own vain existence. We are not the antithesis of feline behaviour, we are in fact, its mirror image. It is not an exaggeration to say that the cat we love is also our enemy.

First and foremost, the basis for having a good relationship with your cat is to deny yourself. This is only superficially the case due to the fact that you have resigned your sorry self to love a cat: denying yourself is the most fundamental strategy for self gratification when seen in the light of its instrumentality in extracting cat love. When you feel the need to kiss, hold or caress, resist the temptation to do so or at least do so in measured amounts. Your cat will come to you when it is ready.

This self-abnegation also takes a conversational dimension. You are not to talk about yourself while conversing with your cat save to chat about the canned food you have procured from the pet store. While talking, expect to be treated like you’re secondary or even non-existent. Channel the conversation instead to itself and agree without question. Occasionally, you may be spectacularly rewarded with an enquiry into your day.

So you know the drill- don’t be your normal self. Don’t crave to express yourself as an individual. Don’t get worked up like you normally do if you don’t get a response. Don’t overexpose your enthusiasm. Don’t have a mind of your own. Agree, support and sacrifice. Don’t hope to get love and respect whenever you want it. Only be grateful and happy when you do get it. Be calm, generous, accepting, cool and composed. The person to emulate is Bond, James Bond, the suave, debonair spy who has a line and gadget for everything, and if all else fails, there’s still martini.

There are times when a cat will get into trouble or do something to either your or its own detriment. Eg. choking on blades of leaves, toppling fragile household items, chewing off your cushion etc. In such instances admonish it gently if you are courageous but not too much. If you have less guts or if you are made up of bottomless magnanimity, just choose to let it go. Give it all the love you can in a gentle, encouraging voice. Expect it to commit the same misdemeanours over and over again, but it is not your place to get angry. You will see trouble coming. But don’t be righteous and say “I told you so”.

Give it space. Don’t overwhelm it with your supposed love when all you are doing is just looking for fulfillment of your own desire for beauty. If it wants to hide in an obscure corner, let it. You will have a sense of loss and longing in your heart but that sacrifice is going to be worth it. What will make you more attractive is to mirror the cat’s carefree and cool attitude and soon you will be rewarded with cat fur brushing against your skin.

Entertain your cat. The quantity of toys that can be bought for a cat is infinite in breadth and expense. Colourful feathery stuff in particular are very pleasing to cats’ eyes. So are subtly mobile objects like balls and the occasional rodent if you want to reflect a degree of class.

One instance where you have the upper hand is in the case of feeding. As a cat has great propensity to eat, overfeeding it will only do injustice to your advantage. Giving in to every plea for food will only make it lose respect for you. Therefore be sparing in the number of feedings to maintain your purposeful standing. A night of mild starvation will pay off in the morning when they will be bright eyed and begging for nourishment.

With this I wish you and your cat a life happily ever after.