The Utility of a Dollar
February 17th, 2010
i think, most of all, i miss the security and warmth borne of the knowledge that together, we are a team. i’ve been distraught lately because it seems that all of my teams seem to be either falling apart or growing apart as we become more integrated into this aggressive adult world of incentives, competition and price wars. we’ve begun to sell each other out and stratify our networks. friends have become contacts, and everyone mistrusts each other. that, or we’re simply getting bored of each other. and so we slip away to form easier bonds, free of drama and obligations — no need for the periodic lunchtime catch-up or pretending that you care about the latest heartbreak or promotion. that’s why i am here in the umpteenth lost and found pile, waiting to be found again. perhaps i eject because i expect too much perfection, which as we all know, doesn’t exist — and when i am disappointed, i want to just go. sometimes it occurs to me that the better solution is to stay and fight, but i’m always too frightened to make that decision on my own. i hide and cower in fear because people can scratch so hard, whether consciously or not. people can talk so much, or neglect to defend the team, whether they’re supposed to be your friends or partners or neither. a circle of immunity is useless if the immunity can be revoked in the first place. the truth is, i just want my best friends back. i want to be back in that very comfortable space in this world where it is just me, and them, and our love. there, we are in a time and place where there is no need to fear each other. it is where we are free to make one buck bets.
Entry Filed under: Unsent Letters
19 Comments Add your own
1. Jana | February 17th, 2010 at 1:43 am
Hi I have been reading your blog for some time now and have really enjoyed it for its sheer simplicity. The way you describe the life, experiences and emotions of a twenty something is spot on and you do it beautifully. Though I have never left a comment till now I felt compelled to do so today. It’s eerie how whatever you have posted today describes the way I feel about people to a t. Keep posting and have a great life.
2. KY | February 17th, 2010 at 2:21 am
I have been reading your blog for a long time and have always enjoy your crazy emo entries, such as this one. :P
3. kreazi | February 17th, 2010 at 3:09 am
I have been reading your blog for years now and have always looked forward to your posts, whether emo ones or happy, out-of-the-world ones. Hahahaha, okay, I’m imitating KY imitating Jana (-__-”)
Su Ann, people change as time passes by. It takes conscious efforts to build a friendship, but in my humble opinion, it takes a bigger effort to maintain it. As we progress and move into different phases in our life, things do change accordingly, and friendships are one of them. Sad but true. So if you think the friendship you share with these best friends are worth salvaging, by all means, go all out. You don’t wanna live in regret 10 years down the road, thinking what you could have done back then :)
Have a nice day!
4. F | February 17th, 2010 at 3:23 am
favourite.
/sends a little red flower with soft petals
5. Michelle Chin | February 17th, 2010 at 3:35 am
we all know the world is not perfect but we just secretly demand too much of ourselves. and it’s not just you or me, it’s probably everybody.
that’s why we get so bored of each other, that’s why we lose friends because we learn to expect so much from others.
actually we’re probably just expecting ourselves to be better.
6. Patricia | February 17th, 2010 at 9:04 am
every time i read your posts. i dont know what to write anymore because you say it all too well and too complete. it’s as if im reading and learning more about myself in someone else’s blog. so i stop all the complicated rojak going on in my head and settle for your conclusions! which is awesome. i know. write more thank you!
7. J | February 17th, 2010 at 11:51 am
Loosening ties suck.
I think we only can keep very few of our old friendships, the ones that are stronger, or more honest. Although we say fewer words to each other with each passing year, a certain quiet bond always remain.
As for those who appear to betray, I guess that’s when we put friendships to the test. If we bother to fight it out, and if we bother to make up, then there’s friendship. Otherwise, goodbye and hopefully, see you only when we’re both bothered.
8. Mar | February 17th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Just reading the title and I immediately thought of RWS, but thankfully it’s not about that overhyped casino.
Well about friends, it’s great if we could all keep ‘em in a jar and hug em tight when we go to sleep, but the reality is that everybody grows older, faces increasing problems and changes priorities ever so often — but no matter what, bridges don’t disappear unless it gets burned down, and fortunately it’s a choice that everyone gets to make.
9. smartypants | February 17th, 2010 at 6:11 pm
you write beautifully and your words speak very well. a pleasure to read your blog. thank you.
10. xiao | February 17th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
i know right :(
11. ShaolinTiger | February 18th, 2010 at 1:18 am
As you get older you come to differentiate true friends and contacts, you sew your seeds and you reap the rewards.
12. caffy | February 18th, 2010 at 4:44 am
JUST came back from a old-friends gathering I was dragged to, feeling worse than before I left, and it was so unfulfilling. Then I read this.
But maybe, since I started college, I’m too much pampered by good company, and enlightening, thoughtful. insightful conversations, that normal ones irritate me. I can’t stand people bitterly bitching about other people. I can’t stand shallow ideas and words flippantly thrown about. What ShaolinTiger said is true – as you get older, you learn to differentiate true friends and mere contacts. But it is rather disgusting when friendships are made merely for the reason of ‘building contacts’
13. Magnolia | February 18th, 2010 at 5:03 am
I found yr blog while reading another. Simply love the way you write, You certainly have a way with words and how you put your thoughts across, emo or not… :)
However a little suggestion from a ‘not so young lady’ with not so good eye sight. May I ask that you break your entries into smaller paragraphs rather than one long para. It makes reading a lot easier. :)
Keep writing !!!
14. sheon | February 18th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
the older you get, the more trust issues you have. it’s inevitable, just make sure you dont set the stakes too high and risk losing it all.
15. G | February 19th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Don’t we all? :(
16. CraSH | February 19th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
reminds me of this movie… trading places staring dan aykroyd and eddie murphy… betting a dollar!
17. dav | February 20th, 2010 at 5:39 am
U must be very emo by the time you wrote this. I think u just spill out watever cross your mind.
If wanna fight just fight to the end….. lol so emo…..if they scratch then you pull her hair then……and dun forget invite me for the fight. Nah just kidding, if you wanna fight, fight graciously and smartly, not emotionally.
I know words can hurt people sometimes but you cant control watever other ppl said anyway. And happy chinese new year, try to get rid of the f**king problem aside 1st. Do something to clear your mind and see the big picture and I think you’ll have better idea what to do….
18. quaintly | February 20th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
jana : thank you :) it’s a goal i strive to have in my writing
ky : ^____^
kreazi : i know.. the ‘going all out’ is something i have to learn how to do
F : thank you :) /sends back a red lantern
michelle : and i think you’re right
patricia : you should write more too…!!!
j : hmm. pride is always the bigger hurdle to overcome though
mar : as many bridges fade as those that become burned down..
smartypants : thank you :)
xiao : what are we to do :(
shaolintiger : it’s horrible :( i dont want to grow up
caffy : then thank goodness for that good company!
magnolia : thank you for your kind comments! about the block paragraphs, sorry, it’s a bit of a habit…
sheon : you’re right. :\
g : unfortunately
crash : haha they stole that idea from me!
dav : haha what can i say. i’m just an emo person
19. Kay | February 24th, 2010 at 9:12 am
aww I’m so sorry. *hugs*
It’s okay to be to scared to stay and fight. This isn’t just your responsibility, the other friends have to do the same too. If each of you puts a little bit in then it’s not so scary to stay and fight.
Maybe you could talk to your friends. Try and take some time of from school and life and invite your friends together a few times and then you all will realize the value of your friendships and how they want to be together again.
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