i think, most of all, i miss the security and warmth borne of the knowledge that together, we are a team. i’ve been distraught lately because it seems that all of my teams seem to be either falling apart or growing apart as we become more integrated into this aggressive adult world of incentives, competition and price wars. we’ve begun to sell each other out and stratify our networks. friends have become contacts, and everyone mistrusts each other. that, or we’re simply getting bored of each other. and so we slip away to form easier bonds, free of drama and obligations — no need for the periodic lunchtime catch-up or pretending that you care about the latest heartbreak or promotion. that’s why i am here in the umpteenth lost and found pile, waiting to be found again. perhaps i eject because i expect too much perfection, which as we all know, doesn’t exist — and when i am disappointed, i want to just go. sometimes it occurs to me that the better solution is to stay and fight, but i’m always too frightened to make that decision on my own. i hide and cower in fear because people can scratch so hard, whether consciously or not. people can talk so much, or neglect to defend the team, whether they’re supposed to be your friends or partners or neither. a circle of immunity is useless if the immunity can be revoked in the first place. the truth is, i just want my best friends back. i want to be back in that very comfortable space in this world where it is just me, and them, and our love. there, we are in a time and place where there is no need to fear each other. it is where we are free to make one buck bets.