Honesty
June 26th, 2010
my undying cynicism of people’s intentions will one day be the death of me. it is a sort of cautious suspicion that appears to be rather useful artillery in this dog-eat-dog world that spins on an axis of the survival of the fittest… but as my own history will tell me — and i’m sure the history of many others out there — such artillery is only useful if it comes with some sort of a compass. it is an ongoing theme in my life: i am constantly trusting all the worst friends (people), and subjecting the ones who love me most to an increasingly harrowing gauntlet of tests. it’s not that i don’t love them too. in most cases i think i love them more than they love me. but it’s almost like i can’t quite understand why they love me, and why they are here in my life. it’s sort of why girls love asking their perplexed (and often frustrated) boyfriends why he loves her. ‘i just do’ doesn’t quite cut it. it’s not that we’re vain, or stirring shit – we just want to know if you really know who we are. ‘because you’re cute, pretty, smart, kind’ doesn’t cut it either. every 5th girl on the street probably has that combination and there’s nothing at all amazing about it, as well as nothing thoughtful about such an analysis. someone once told me that he knew he loved her when she yelled at him for not registering to vote. i thought that was all kinds of wonderful, even if she made him sleep on the couch for a night.
i knew i loved him when:
1 – he canceled a date with me at the last possible minute to help his mother with grocery shopping
2 – we were looking at shooting stars outside my house, in the restless night, and he ‘gave’ me two shooting stars because i was sad that i’d spotted two less shooting stars than he had
3 – the 7th or so time that he came home to get me for lunch, and it occurred to me that this was going to happen every day for as long as we both wanted
4 – as we were breaking up, in the yellow cab, i moved to kiss him on the cheek and he turned away and said, please don’t do that
Entry Filed under: Musings
23 Comments Add your own
1. aud | June 26th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
*melts
2. nyrac | June 26th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
:(
3. Cheryl | June 26th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
*ouch* the last one really hurt. *hugs*
4. k0k | June 26th, 2010 at 2:08 pm
“Everyone is disappointing the more you know someone.”
Says Catherine Keener in Synecdoche, New York. Given enough time, anyone and everyone will betray your trust, stab you in the back or make you cry even if they do nothing – sometimes precisely because they do nothing.
Once I assume that everyone will disappoint me eventually, I stop being afraid. My complete lack of trust in people is what keeps me happy.
Sounds backwards, I know.
5. Lisa Cheah | June 26th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Virtual Hugs*
6. Michelle | June 26th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
I second kok. That’s how I lose my friends and always gain new ones.
7. Honeybunneh | June 26th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
WTF only 2 weeks ago you were completely in love and now this. What kind of guy turns his cheek away from PINKPAU’S KISSES !? D:
Did he come out of the closet or something ?? Shiiiiiiiiiiet.
Oh well, look at the bright side, Japanese men have small dicks anyways. Good riddance ! ;)
8. quaintly | June 26th, 2010 at 9:40 pm
aud : /solidify!
nyrac : aww why the sad face?
cheryl : ya for us both :(
k0k : what about just a little bit of trust every now and then?
lisa : thank u :) /hugs
michelle : but what if the world runs out of friends!
hunnybunneh : a clarification appears necessary!! we’re still very much together. that short list is just a bit of a history- not necessarily chronological, extensive or about the same person :)
9. k0k | June 26th, 2010 at 10:24 pm
depends on what you mean by trust. i do depend on people now and again, but there’s no need for trust in that. it’s a c’est la vie approach to relationships. one, you won’t get disappointed when the people you rely on drop the ball and two, you won’t feel the need to constantly test the people who love you.
everyone has an agenda whether they realise it or not. it’s kinda like accepting that rain will fall, the tide will rise and the sun is just a huge burning ball of gas.
i am realistic, not cynical :)
10. michelle | June 26th, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Your world only runs out of friends when you decide to stop communicating with others.
11. ront | June 27th, 2010 at 6:52 am
i bet any sane guys out there would think ‘because you’re cute, pretty, smart, kind’ is always better than ”cos you have killer (insert fav body part)’
12. Nikki | June 27th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
I like an explanation but sometimes ‘i just do’ can be enough :)
13. tze | June 27th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
so why do you love me?
14. yizhen | June 27th, 2010 at 8:39 pm
pardon my busybody-ness, but-
k0k: you’re absolutely right about not having expectations. without expectations, there won’t be disappointment. or less of it anyway. ;) it’s good you’re not cynical. the world needs a tad less cynicism :P
michelle: technically you’re right. but realistically, at some point you’d get tired of making new friends. but if you don’t, good for you. :))
pinkiepau: it’s good to be cautious and beware of others’ intentions, but too much of it will make one bitter and unhappy. i know it sounds crazy, but sometimes ‘i just do’ really is all there is to it. ;) again- it’s great to be inquisitive, but at times questioning too much will prevent you from enjoying the treasure you’ve got. so i say, go ahead and savor all the goodness that happens to you that you can’t find an explanation, bask in the love thrown your way from your good friends, cherish it lest it’s gone before you know it. oklah enough of me being a nagging old lady. :P but trust me, i only have the purest of intentions! ;)
15. Michelle | June 27th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
Yizhen: I go by the “it’s time to move on” principle. I don’t see a point investing my time on someone who just makes me feel horrible about myself.
16. skylery | June 28th, 2010 at 7:31 am
wait what, you’re dating a japanese guy?
17. mae | June 28th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
Every so often you write these snippets at the very right time and I, once again, get that itch to write to you because there’s nothing better than seeing someone construct how you’re feeling so well into words.
And then you realize that only happens when they feel the same way too.
Perhaps I’ll finally write to you soon. :)
18. songjun | June 28th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
haha awww :P :)
19. xiao | June 28th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
don’t scare your readers with no.4 too often :(
20. Honeybunneh | June 29th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
a clarification appears necessary!! we’re still very much together. that short list is just a bit of a history- not necessarily chronological, extensive or about the same person :)
>>
Owh. ._.
Good ! Good for you ! :D
I take back everything I said about Kafka…
JAPANESE PEOPEL R AWESUME-SUGOI-DESU~!! =^_^=
I’m sure you two will make super kawaii babies together neh !
You know what they say, interracial mixed babies are usually more cute. Just look at Keanu Reeves !!! ^_^
21. hazel | July 3rd, 2010 at 10:16 pm
the last one makes my heart ache :(
22. Hannah | July 5th, 2010 at 7:35 am
Taken directly from one of Alanis Morissette’s most legendary songs:
“You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn”
Baby steps, kawan, take one day at a time. :)
And remember to breathe once in a while.
23. Sammy | July 7th, 2010 at 9:34 am
Which 1 was Song Jun! Heeheehee
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