And Again
July 23rd, 2010
in the face of such revelations, i dont quite know what to say anymore. i’m often surprised that i’m still surprised, but mostly i’m just disappointed by my own ineffectiveness and lack of resilience. a don’t-care attitude would be so helpful in dealing with these hurtful and unfair events, but my application for one just keeps bouncing. i wish i could stop myself from feeling hurt, or caring, but i can’t. i wish i could erase history, or turn back time to go down different paths, but i can’t. this is that much of my life that i’m never getting back, in terms of time. this is also the results slip and the consequences of my very bad judgment when it comes to whom i choose to love and trust. it is some balm that i’ve only ever chosen wrongly this once, but evidently even one person can cause a lot of damage and tell many far-reaching lies. like my predecessor, i’ve been arduously wiping him out from my existence (no, despite what you might have heard, it’s not because ‘this is the only way we can move on with our lives’), but still annoying little traces remain. like last night’s events. like how my friends keep referring to this when making jokes about my judgment calls. like how i get stupid snippy comments on this blog from his friends who’ve only heard one (mostly fallacious) side of the story. like how i was priming my parents to meet Kafka, and told them he’s such a good guy – and they laughed derisively and said “are you sure? that’s what you said about the last guy too, and look how he turned out!”
i think i’ve paid enough penance, thanks, and would very much like all traces of ‘that last guy’ to evaporate. so please, if you’re a mutual friend or even a complete stranger who thinks you’ll be doing me a favour by telling me the most recent of his stories about me, please spare me. i’ve officially come to a point where it’s all no longer worth the anger. if you’re a friend of his but not a friend of mine, please exercise a little bit of reasoning or actually get to know me in person before you believe just one side of a story told by a highly dramatic person who has no qualms making collateral damage out of other people in his raconteuring. you hear some stories and you read a blog and then you think you know me enough to hate me, but really, how does that make you any more than a gossip who doesn’t think very much before forming an opinion? once upon a time i trusted him too, and have since come to realize that i very seriously misplaced that trust. that’s why i blocked him on facebook, and ban all of my friends from saying anything about me to him – because i dont trust him with anymore of my life than i’ve already given up in the brief time i encountered him. i guess it must be fun to talk a lot of shit about someone you’ve never even met, but take some time to think about how i never did anything wrong to you. i’m a real, actual, living breathing person with a life and loved ones. a blog is just a place i go to to pen the occasional thought. you’re giving this blog and yourself way too much credit if you think you can piece together a good idea of who i am just from reading some weekly writing and listening to some skewed stories.
i think what happens between two people, especially two people who trusted each other, should remain private and untouched by prying eyes or gossipy mouths. it’s a shame that not everyone i choose to love shares the same principles of discretion. a renegade blogger who called himself the vigilante of the malaysian blogosphere once wrote me an email to say that it’s best that i learn whom i cant trust while i’m still young. can’t say i disagree. i think i’m quite prepped for the real world now, and the real wolves of that place. but for now i’m thankful for real people, real friends, and real love. i’ve got a bit of a scratched up heart and a big crack in the part of it that’s used for trusting, but this is slowly healing, and so i’m also thankful for the godsend that is Kafka.
Entry Filed under: Rants
35 Comments Add your own
1. Michelle Chin | July 23rd, 2010 at 7:58 pm
don’t understand why people like to judge others based on their blogs. people should know that blogs are representations of the bigger picture
2. Licorice | July 23rd, 2010 at 7:58 pm
I fall under that category of ‘friend of his and stranger to you’ but I speak from my own experiences… He has never said anything malicious about you. In fact, he speaks (and that is, when he actually does -no gossiping going on- )fondly about your wonderful writing talent, your intelligence and how popular you are among your friends.
To the extent I’ve started to follow your blog, as I find you true to all three qualities described above!
Maybe he needs to reign in some of his ‘friends’. What friends are they if they are gleefully trying to upset you, and smear his reputation at the same time?
3. quaintly | July 23rd, 2010 at 8:15 pm
michelle, are or aren’t? either way i suppose it’s nice to think of oneself as possessing so keen an analysis of humanity that just a mere skimming of a blog will yield piercing insights
licorice, thanks for the comforting words and for speaking up for him, which i must say are quite new to me. i’ve heard a little more than i’d have liked to from both his friends and strangers alike, but it’s nice to know that he says nice things about me to some people. in defense of his ‘friends’, i dont think most of them upset me gleefully nor smear his reputation on purpose. largely, i think they’re just trying to offer me advice, and point out that some things are not worth being upset over. but there’s enough consistency in the various stories and also my experiences with him that i don’t doubt the veracity of what they’re telling me. also, he’s admitted to having said some of those things. anyway it’s been a long and upsetting day, but it was nice to get this comment from you. thanks again for writing.
4. GIn | July 23rd, 2010 at 10:04 pm
i wuv u T___T when are we going to see suet together! huhuhu! i miss gossip session like that time in rasta months ago!!
5. Cheryl | July 23rd, 2010 at 10:51 pm
My current boyfriend once asked me, “how come you never blog about me?” I told him it was complicated and ended the conversation.
I was just sick of people judging me on who I dated and how people would ask oh what happened. Not forgetting the judging part.
6. kehrole | July 23rd, 2010 at 11:34 pm
/sayang lsa
you are so much more than some people give you credit for.
7. Esther | July 24th, 2010 at 12:35 am
you can’t stop others from talking. so the best is to avoid listening to it, or if you have to, let the words go in one ear and out the other. just remember you have your friends/family that love and care for you :)
8. Observer | July 24th, 2010 at 10:38 am
Licorice, you must be a chick whose pants he’s trying to get into ;)
SA, you don’t have to get _your_ pants all up in a bunch. No one takes anything he says all that seriously. Even if it makes for some good storytelling…
9. meihui | July 24th, 2010 at 11:03 am
i’m so sorry you had to be hurt by these people.. and i think most people (including me) look back on their past relationship and ask themselves how could they have been so blind to trust their ex. hang on tight there pinkpau.. things will be okay..
10. Doreen | July 24th, 2010 at 11:07 am
In times like this, just remind yourself – this too shall pass :)
11. flory | July 24th, 2010 at 11:52 am
:( people are so weird and mean. your experiences remind me why i’m such a recluse.
*hands a chocolate chip cookie*
12. missfiona | July 24th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
i think we can agree trust has to be earned but at the same time, it can also be snatched away by momentary decisions and words spoken. however, by misplacing our trusts, we slowly learn to grasp the right moment, right person and the right amount of trust they deserve from us :) slowly….but surely!
13. Mar | July 24th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
In a way when we blog we’re really putting ourselves up for judgements, arrogantly opinionated by other judgemental beings who’ve been brought up in ways much different than ours, with life experiences much differences too. Surely they wouldn’t understand by merely reading words alone. It’s part and parcel of ‘putting things out there’ but like what Russell Peters would’ve advised, “Take it, and go”.
You’ve experienced much, and I though don’t speak for you, I’m sure you’ve been through enough to know to “only hear the good stuffs”. Good guys don’t come around much these days, you’ve hit jackpot!
14. k0k | July 25th, 2010 at 12:45 am
personally, i enjoy fueling gossips of my past and current love lives with fractured, disjointed, seemingly contradictory statements to friends and in my blog (all true though) so no two persons have the the same account. then i sit back and see what filters back to me. do i care if people have a skewed idea of the person i am? do i care if people are spreading malicious goss all over the my social bread?
no.
confirm nothing. set no records straight. because these are records that can’t be set straight ever – so might as well enjoy it. i preach the zen of rumourmongery, sista. you feelin’ me?
15. yuhhui | July 25th, 2010 at 1:20 am
Good post!! I understand how u’re feeling coz i went through that as well. Accidentally dated a jerk after my ex.. sigh… and all hell broke loose after that.
16. ShaolinTiger | July 25th, 2010 at 2:12 am
I don’t even know who he is, nor particularly care so I guess that works in your favour :D
17. Eley | July 25th, 2010 at 2:52 am
hang in there. the time where everything will blow over and you’ll one day be indifferent with regards to anything pertaining the “ex” will soon come. that being said, the regeneration process varies from individuals; whereby one’ll experience tonnes of unpleasant flashbacks & experience moments of blinding rage. but surely enough, you’ll heal because soon you’ll realise that it’s just not worth it.
18. maddie | July 25th, 2010 at 4:38 am
sit tight. *hugs* =) hopefully more comfort comes your way. =)
19. suanie | July 25th, 2010 at 10:14 am
so are your parents primed to meeting kafka yet?
20. nimmy | July 26th, 2010 at 4:40 am
Had an experience of that sort too few years back. Very horrible experience for my gf. Never knew he was such a jerk before that. You just gotta be careful next time. Good luck Su Ann.
21. sheon | July 26th, 2010 at 5:06 am
hahaa….pinks. i respect you, i like how and what you write, and i adore you as a person from the brief encounters we’ve had. :)
22. tze | July 26th, 2010 at 7:32 am
why so angsty? you want me to beat this person up for you? come
23. kafka | July 26th, 2010 at 11:03 am
a thoughtful reaction to an unpleasant chapter baby! /hug
haha what about whether i was primed to meet them?…actually they’re super nice :)
24. aunt | July 26th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
if you think parents are super nice, you should meet her aunt.. :)
25. xiao | July 26th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
if this helps, i perhaps love you through your writing :)
chin up!
26. ront | July 27th, 2010 at 2:10 am
i’ll just wait (patiently) for normal broadcast to resume…..this is just temporary glitch in the program
27. Justin | July 27th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
he probably doesn’t get where you’re coming from.
i don’t know any details, but from my perspective as just a reader of your blog, i don’t think you should invest anymore of your time or effort on his antics.
forgive him, though, cos unforgiveness is crippling. hurts you more than it does him.
just my 2cents.
28. sen | July 27th, 2010 at 11:33 pm
indifference is the ultimate.
29. yv | July 28th, 2010 at 12:32 am
comment 24 hahaha
30. rain | July 28th, 2010 at 9:01 pm
it is all to easy to badmouth people you don’t really know. Try not to get too affected by strangers who cast hurtful words at you. Really, in the end, the only people whose opinions matter are those close to you. They may not always be sensitive, but if you tell them what you’re not comfortable with and make it clear enough, they’re bound to at least try and understand, because they love you.
Certainly sometimes people don’t meet your expectations, and they let you down, and in that sense, your judgment has ‘failed’ you, but take heart in that people do change, and there are some things that cannot ever be predicted, no matter how accurate your judgment. Please don’t let this experience mould you into too bitter a person, and instead, balance your wariness with an acceptance of the possibility that other people may sometimes not be as bad as you think they are – because, after all, if you didn’t, you’d just following in the very footsteps of the judgmental people who have hurt you.
All the best :)
31. yx | August 1st, 2010 at 10:33 am
It’s hard to think how anyone could possibly hate you from this site of yours. This post of yours sums up how I feel perfectly about many personal situations and experiences. Though unfortunately, I’ve wrongfully placed trust in more than just one person. I (still) never seem to be able to judge right. That aside, I’m glad that you have Kafka now. The right person at the right moment goes a long way to making up for all these experiences. To a certain extent, they restore some peace of mind.
32. Justin | August 1st, 2010 at 11:42 pm
Hang in there. =) Even if I only know bits and pieces of you from your blog, I feel like supporting you and rooting for you. I guess when we’re frustrated, please remember that we have friends and family to pick us up. There’s always something for us to hold on to, only that sometimes it’s so fuzzy that we have to look for it all over again.
Hang on!
33. quaintly | August 2nd, 2010 at 3:17 am
thanks all for the kind comments :) hopefully, as ront puts it, there won’t be anymore siaran tergendala again in the future…
34. ront | August 2nd, 2010 at 5:22 am
hmmm…just to correct myself…..i think there’s always glitches here and there….that’s what makes us humans. but glitches wont stay forever…..we have the tendency to make correction to those (hopefully)……and then normal programming resume….everyone live happily ever after….and maybe rewarded with ham yu fa lam pou…for those who likes it.
35. LMC | August 4th, 2010 at 4:37 am
trust is so hard to build & maintain yet in a split sec, it can crumble down and die…hard.
whenever you face an event in life that will just bring you down or make you go “enough is enough”, or when you find yourself falling from the skyscraper at the speed of lightning, just remind yourself: “remember of all the happy/worthwhile times you’ve had with people who deserve you, love & care for you & lookout for more of those times in the near future”
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