campus was looking gorgeous today. we’re on the brink of fall, but there’s still enough sun on most days to make this city glint. life is good as a third year student — people aren’t quite so socially insecure anymore as juniors, and are actually becoming more chill as they segue into the comfortable court of upperclassmendom. of course, things haven’t exactly been drama-free, but i guess it’s not really college if there isn’t some high school element every now and then. none that i’m involved in, thankfully — think i had enough of that last year — but sometimes it’s quite interesting to sit back and watch, and wonder what these people will be like 10 years from now.

all photos taken with my iphone! dare i say that i think the photo quality might be better than some point and shoot digital cameras i’ve owned!

what a whirlwind of a week, and one that culminates in this night of so much freedom. i feel confrontational tonight. i feel like i want to tell everyone the truth. it’s almost as if consequences don’t matter, and there’s still always a way to turn bad outcomes around. someone said to me today that my blog has just been replete with posts on trust and untrustworthy friends lately. it’s true, i know, and probably something i should correct because i’m sure people are tired of reading about the same stupid problem in different versions, but the question always tugs at my attention: is it me, or is it them? if so many of these people whom i consider close to me, or even my best friends, can be so two-faced and callous, surely the problem must lie with me. either i turn them into this, or i’m shitty at picking friends, or i simply expect too much out of people who are just very much human.

okay lah whatever lah. enough about the same stupid problem told in different versions.

tonight is just one of those nights for me. i’m sitting in the empty library at 3 in the morning listening to music and watching Mad Men cos i don’t wanna go home. i wish i could talk to kafka but he’s poking around some tunnel in ho chi minh right now with no cellphone coverage. it’s back to this windy world of long distance and time differences again, but i’m really excited that he’s coming to visit in exactly a week from now. new york just isn’t the same without him. why did it take us so long to find each other in this tiny city?

kafka… i even miss his snoring. with a lot of pain i miss our new york nights- cabbing down to korea town at 2 in the morning to satisfy a bonchon craving, ice cream in the village, partying together in the living room wtf, studying at the columbia library… these are things i won’t have for a long time. i’m not sure if these things will be the same when he comes to visit. gkjfhkjhgfkjdghdfkgd long distance is so awfullllllllllll.

a funny picture of a scowling kafka when we were in rome over summer:

i think it would look almost like a men’s cologne ad, if not for the random tourist in the middle.

okay just thought i’d write a real update, because this blog hasn’t seen one of these in maybe 3 years. it’s almost as if i’ve stopped believing that i can write about real life things in this blog. but i’m still the same girl that i’ve always been. i havent changed at all – i’ve just gotten busier, and better at hiding how i feel. another update: i’m pissed at someone. like, really angry. should i tell them how i feel? actually, it’s not that i haven’t tried (i have), but this person is just inherently selfish and manipulative. sometimes i feel like it’s just easier to remove all opportunities for this person to display their selfishness, and i’ve been doing that for some time, but even the little things accumulate. le sigh. and here i am, always saying that people should communicate more.

oh yeah! the other day EY texted me from his new number saying “hi, it’s me, your first love!” and it made my day. haih why are people so cute sometimes.

it’s been a busy time back at school, but i just received a snapshot of the DiGi Hari Malaysia ad and thought it was too cute to not put up here for those of you who missed it, or are far away from home like me!

cuteness and fuzzy feelings aside, the 1Malaysia meme is truly unavoidable now, and not just on airwaves or down the North South Highway. it strikes me as slightly humourous that a mere (but expensive) slogan or campaign title has re-branded the concept of unity and harmony in Malaysia, even if just superficially. it’s a nice catchphrase, but that’s it. during my internship over the summer, my colleagues and bosses often expressed pride over the 1Malaysia concept. but what actually is the concept? i would ask. sorry ah, i dont really know, havent been back in malaysia for a long time. racial harmony lah! semua bangsa pun satu malaysia! smile smile beam beam. i dont know if it’s inspiring or tragic that such a small slogan can satisfy any individual or collective need for real unity, that once such a slogan is perpetuated, there are some who don’t think twice about its lack of substance. a PR campaign doesn’t quite do the job, guys. or does it?

just a brief rant that i will probably regret regurgitating come the following morning. i am in a place where i no longer recognize 1) the people around me, and 2) who i really want to be.

the past week has been a very loud culmination of various leadership and friendship issues, mostly separate but with enough intersections. i’ve always loved working with friends, but what happens when you engage in a project with friends only to realize that all of you have very different goals, and in order to win, none are too shy to whip out arsenals that have been stealthily built over the years? how do you deal with friends who don’t pull their own weight but help out the team just by being there as a good friend with moral support? and then what happens when factions form and every well-meaning thing you say and do is used by the factions against each other, and ultimately against you too?

i am learning more and more that to be a good leader, one needs to be firmly grounded in his or her values and goals with unwavering and adamantine integrity. without integrity, a leader is nothing but a crafty but misguided and self-centered dictator who doesn’t understand that his job travels far beyond himself into a realm that involves bigger ideas and other people. but i am also learning more and more that in order to be popular and to be friends with everyone, it seems that integrity is the last thing you need. all you need to do is just be damned two-face and make sure you don’t get caught. which is sad. it’s fucking sad. you might ask, who needs to be friends with everyone? just a handful of good, true friends will do. but that is not the point. the point is that two-faced people are still getting away with what they are doing because they know what other people want, and know how to use charisma to dangle these promises in front of others. you know what really bothers me– it bothers me when i recognize who two-faced people are and what they do to other people, but won’t say anything about it because my stupid integrity nags at me and reminds me that i shouldn’t say bad things about people. very often i slip, and i start ranting angrily, and then i hate myself after my tirade for being so weak of will — especially if there is a paper trail, which ‘friends’ are fond of using against others. but the rest of the time, when i do successfully bite my tongue, i still get increasingly angry about the injustice i see unfolding before me that i can’t or won’t do anything about. it’s a very confusing state to be in. i understand that there is no black or white in this world, and that i don’t always have to have a fixed policy, but it’s still bloody confusing. at the end of it all i have no idea who i am, what i want to be, or what kind of ethics i stand for.

i used to have this silly concept of friends that i jokingly called a circle of immunity. they aren’t necessarily my closest friends, but they are the friends whom i would still love despite us having directly conflicting principles or even if they did things to me or to others that would ordinarily really upset me. they’re just that special. but i recently folded that circle because i realized that everyone in there couldn’t be trusted. it’s a very stunning thing to realize about the people you’ve allowed to be very close to you. it’s funny but more often than not, it’s not that they had cruel intentions or premeditated motives — but rather, the uniform pattern is that everyone just likes themselves a whole lot more than anything else in their world. it could be any number of things: people like to sound smart, people like to seem plugged in, people like to feel as if they’re everyone’s confidante, people like to appear to others as if they have these piercing insights into human nature, and sadly, things that you once entrusted them with become collateral damage in the process.

it’s so awful. basically i have no idea who to talk to anymore. i sometimes wonder if this is the reason why i always fall into such deeply close relationships with my boyfriends– i need someone to love me so that i can hate the rest of the world; at least at the end of the day no matter what happens i still have that one someone.

or maybe i’m just really paranoid.