Stretchy Heartstrings

slightly sleep-deprived but feeling so emotional that i don’t know where to go and deal with the verbiage on the surface of my soul — a familiar feeling that i’ve almost forgotten! but here it is again, coming to me as certainly as sinking sensations in my stomach can sometimes do. it is nice to know that this space still exists, even if it looks very different. a big thank you to Waffle, who has so kindly helped me restore some semblance of the old quaintly back: as you can see, archives after Sept 2008 are now returned to my blog!

September 2008 was when i first arrived in New York City, a reservedly wide eyed college-bound freshman, who still had no idea what anxiety or contest really meant. i snigger at myself in my head sometimes when i think about how composed the 19 year old me thought i was, and how in less than three years i have grown up more than i even knew i had room for. so i suppose in a small way i don’t mind the discarding of my pre-September 2008 self. it is a me i hold close to my heart, but it is gone, and i don’t think shall return, quite unlike sinking sensations in my stomach.

it has been a difficult and emotionally tumultuous couple of days. nothing is happening to me and i am not displaced, but it feels like the world around me is being shaken violently into dust. do you know the feeling? it is like locked-in syndrome, being rendered immobile and helpless, forced to watch everyone around you get hurt and go through trying times but not being able to do anything real. it is like cringing and shielding yourself from water that never hits you, but also never quite shaking free the permanent cringe and shrink from your bones and guts. i just want to help. but for some reason i seem to be doing all the wrong things even without trying.

i’ve given up a long time trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, cos god knows i’ll never reach the end of it. but what is wrong with this world? why do adults behave like children? why do friends have to compete in malice? why do people do horrific things you would never expect them to do? why do people get sick? why are people born sick but don’t realize until much later what is wrong? why do people have to go places that they don’t want to go? why do people die?

i miss all of the above people, who in each of their different ways have departed from my life or are about to. but maybe i will see you all soon, in another life.



21 Comments

I’ve never commented before but just felt like doing so tonight. You write beautifully su ann, always an inspiration. Please keep writing! (:

You’ve definitely heard this a million times, but you write so beautifully and pensively, quaintly. I’m glad you’ve managed to retrieve your archive of posts. Strangely, I only discovered your blog late last year so I can’t confess to being a very old reader, but the way you phrase words together, and your ability to perceive the little sentiments that are almost certainly experienced by many people, and just as certainly ignored or missed by them, is truly wonderful. I do hope you keep blogging for the time being.

Evilbat

I’m worried about you. Maybe you’re not too far gone for a hand to plunge down and save you from the abyss.

in another life… sounds morbid.

rachel

when I was 17, I giggled when my friends aunt told me she would listen to songs by the Eagles and silently cry along with them. However, lately whenever my emotional-self gets restless, I listen to sad songs and let myself cry for absolutely no reason. I don’t know why but it makes me feel at ease, albeit a little cuckoo to be crying for no reason. haha. not really related to your post, but this is what I thought of after reading it. Still love reading your blog :)

E

three cheers for waffle!! :)

sunset boulevard

“i miss all of the above people, who in each of their different ways have departed from my life or are about to. but maybe i will see you all soon, in another life.”

I love love LOVE this line. You took the words right out of my mouth.

rain

Hang in there, Su Ann! this is skimpy consolation, but there is so much out there that is beyond our control yeah?

Maysnow

*hugs* u always try to bear the weight of the world upon ur shoulders sweetie..

I saw ur name in The Star’s Rage’s ask anything column today! Su Ann is quite a common name, but when I read the details and squinted at the picture I realized it was u!! I liked the advice u gave, and it was phrased so beautifully, like the way u always do. Whoever wrote in for the advice is sure lucky to have your perspective :)

Do u ever wonder, why are u such a nice n helpful caring soul, a cutie, and able to string words into lovely delights for us to read and ponder? :)

psst! i sometimes wished i was in the same country as the pre-Sept ’08 you so that i could get to know the young lady who enamoured the whole world with her wonderful way of writing :)

We can never control everything, but when everything is just too much, TALK TO SOMEONE. You advise strangers who write to you, but take care of yourself too. C:

skylery

what about me do you miss meeee.

Honeybunneh

It’s not your fault. It’s just your Malaysian biological makeup used to decades of sunlight exposure, and being thrown in Winter causes your system to fuck up when it doesn’t produce enough Vitamin D. Your immune system crashes, depression sinks in, and the whole Columbia environment worsen things. Furthermore, the lack of good old spicy msian food doesn’t really bring up your endorphin levels like before.

You call it growing up and maturing. I say it’s just your environment. I dare ya to go out in the morning, eat some spicy ha mee and tell me you don’t feel alive.

Life is short dammit, why should people waste seconds being all melancholic and depressed?? I WANT THE OLD HAPPY PINKPAU BACK. >:O

C

I chanced upon your blog today & i feel this instant connection with you though you’re halfway across the globe from where i am. ! I write alot on such thought-provoking stuff that’s on my mind too, but never found the right words to truly convey my emotions. Reading your posts is like having a spot on psychic telling me exactly how i feel! &i’ve always thought of myself as weird because nobody else questions or reflects on life, reality, or myself like i do. &you make me feel less alone!
Keep writing, i’ll be reading!!

in another life

it’s cold comfort, this other life so many think is right there on the other side of the deathly veil – so cold, i shudder to linger in thoughts on it. what is it like there? is everyone old and decrepit like how they arrived with a few young ones tragically crossing before their time? or is everyone at the age they secretly always saw themselves at? are people sorted out by what they believe unknowingly but faithfully in life? is there a hell for avicenna, socrates, isaac newton, gandhi, tenzin gyatso or anne frank? perhaps, it’s a karmic meritocracy where only good people will get through. perhaps, we might not even remember who we were once we arrive there. but almost everyone is certain there’s this spare life waiting for us where we will exist indefinitely and it’s filled with all the people we have lost along the way. we spend our whole lives preparing for the transit and the arrival. it’s one enduring, singular hope of humanity that everything will be okay in the end.

what if it all ends at death’s door?

i like to share with you one of my favourite quotes. it’s by neil gaiman, sandman #6: “24 Hours”:

“All Bette’s stories have happy endings. That’s because she knows where to stop. She’s realized the real problem with stories — if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.”

Artificially Tamtim

Locked in syndrome! The Diving Bell and the Butterfly Hah!
*smug*

glad to see your blog up and running again!

it is a comfort to find you back on the map on the interweb.

hunneh bunny is right. you should get more vitamin d3! maybe take them as supplements. you’ll realize how bright the skies are even in the reality, they are grey!

Rebekah

Have you forgotten your roots Su Ann? I believe you need to do a lil soul searching for your questions. You know where to find them. You just need to take that step.

Joyce

Because this world is corrupted by evil and sin, people who are rebelling against God, who choose to be self-centred and disillusioned

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