Pemohonan yang Sedang Diproses

there are big portions of my life in which i forget that i am no longer 18. in these days, weeks, and sometimes months, i believe it is okay for me to fall unconditionally into deep thought and nostalgia, oblivious to the world and completely in harmony with my hopes, goals and state of being. but the world contains these built-in mechanisms to remove us occasionally from such states, and delivers into our unwitting hands some kind of shock that jolts us out of the complacence and contentment. when that happens to me a small kernel of panic usually unfurls, and i look around thinking, oh shit, where the fuck am i in life? a mad scramble, and then i am back at unhappy square one, realizing that a year has passed and i have been with each day increasingly dissatisfied with the fact that i have remained true to myself. isn’t it bizarre? i wish sometimes with all my might that i could enjoy more this process of doing and undoing, but i can’t stop myself from being over-analytical about the entire process. am i doing it right? is there something i should be avoiding? what can i learn from my mistakes? at the end of it all i find myself breathless, tired and incredibly pessimistic.

i have been saying for some time now that there are many days when i don’t recognize myself. which might seem at odds with my earlier assertion that i have quite stubbornly and accidentally remained true to myself. but both statements are true, in an odd binary on/off switch. sometimes, there is the reprieve of a grey area, but these are hard to come by in the wretched economy of my nature. so often i want to surge forward and adapt to the curveballs that the environment throws at me, and i want to be the best at that — but i also want to be the old, indulgent, happy me. if there is anything that the last several years have taught me, it is that the competitive road is a long and twisted one, littered often not with friends but people who think smart, work smart and eliminate smart. certainly there is very little place for indulgence in too many things, and happiness is something that is clawed towards in victory. that — or remain simple, oblivious and honest. and i think that is what i’ve been coming to terms with for so long: how to be happy despite the stark and steep loss of innocence that is all part of the puzzle of growing up.

a big welcome home to myself, on this blog that i have abandoned for some months now! i was surprised to find that my last entry was all the way in september — a bittersweet scribbling about my grandmother, who is back home in malaysia, steadfastly unspeaking but still so very adorable to me. a lot has changed since then, and the world still seems to be spinning at a ridiculous pace. there have, however, been two overarching themes: What am I Going to Do with My Life now that graduation is looming (oh, my) and what i have no other words for but a Purifying Overhaul of how i’m choosing to live. i can’t say i’m doing very well at either, as i still don’t quite know what i am going to do with my life nor am i living a purely overhauled way of life… but it has been such a revolutionary time. that is the best kind! it is an amazing feeling to discover that after much toil and trouble, what you want at the end is what you wanted at the beginning.

that’s me just before the new year’s, in a lamp shop in the french quarter of new orleans. lamp shops occupy a very special place in my heart, and stepping into one is often like a homecoming, a nostos to some kind of truth.

happy new year, everyone! may your 2012 be filled with all the very best things a year can bring.



40 Comments

quaintly

testing, 1 2 3!

yannmay

OMG YAY! welcome back pinkpau!! you’ve been terribly missed! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU! :))

CloudyRainbows

Its great seeing a star next to your blog again. Happy New Year!

jaclyn

welcome back! i think that i can safely speak for everyone when i say: we’ve missed you immensely. :)

don’t pull that nasty mia scene on us readers again! we love your blog lots!

OHEMGEEE, finallyyy!!!! :D :D :D welcome back! happy 2012 and could you maybe try not to disappear anymore again pretty please? :3

Evilbat

welcome back. quack. quack quack..

happy new year su ann

i’m glad you could describe my current in your 2nd paragraph so perfectly <3
finally you're back! happy new year :)

Helen

should it be peRmohonan?
Happy New Year to you too!

Glad you’re back to blogging su ann! Your writing has been terribly missed. Keep writing and happy new year! (:

omg i thought u went MIA for good on the blogosphere and all this while i keep thinking, is she going to write again? maybe she’s too busy with uni and all the other peripheries. i almost yelped when i saw the updated post. lim su ann, i wish you all the best in your future undertakings, and i hope you’ll keep indulging in this little space that has been so terribly missed.

ash

welcome back!!! missed your writings and you terribly!

takeshi

It’s interesting isn’t it, life’s many twist and turns. The path towards success is laden with emotional potholes, more often than not we’re the ones limiting our own growth.

Our negative emotions, our desires, etc, all side track us from being lean, mean performing machines. Of course it would be much simpler if we could just tweak ourselves with a command or a console designed to use our physical and mental capabilities to it’s limits but we’re human. =)

Without the mixed pot of emotions that we carry around we would be no different from the next human being, in the way we think and respond to our surroundings/people. Learning is a journey that never ends as long the learning life will never be boring. =)

That’s exactly how i felt in this new year. Every step forward seems like a step backward from what I wanted.

Happy New Year Su Ann… great to have you resume your blogging again! If you can accomodate my request, would you consider making your fonts bigger and more spaced out for an easier read? Much much appreciated but if you choose not to, I’ll still read your blog, but harder on my aging eyes… thanks..

amber

miss your blogs. happy new year.

i came here with no expectations other than a short “brb” together with a few html code scattered all over. it is good to see you back pinkpau.

Cass

YAY!!! Welcome back! I’ve missed you and your writing so much!

ally

secret: i like reading your blog before I have to write papers or essays. it gives me inspiration :) so i’m glad you’re back!

edward

let us fans be your inspiration to write great pieces like this more in the future!

bs

pinkpau! I’ve just graduated and I have no idea what I’m gonna do with my life either! Some days that doesn’t bother me that much as I’m actually fine with not knowing right now wtf but some days come with a jolt probably due to accumulated pressure from EVERYONE else, leaving me going, HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE???

Anyways as so many people have commented already, your writing have been missed T_T

yes, you’ve been dearly missed. throughout the months of absence, i find myself constantly going onto quaintly looking for something good (for the lack of a better word), only to be disappointed.

happy new year, su ann. may your 2012 be blessed.

kafka

i know this great gumbo place…

june

hope this doesn’t sound stalkerish but i’ve been checking your blog every now and then, hoping that i won’t see BRB when the page loads. today i felt lucky – and hey, here we are! keep writing love, and don’t worry – i’m graduating in six months’ time and i have no idea what to do with my wretched, supposedly-bursting-into-bloom young life.

fern

i missed you! i did exactly what june did. Enough fleeting through overly pink blogs! Pinkpau is just the right dose for me :D

yay! you are back in blogging! :) happy new year to you too!

Hi Su Ann! I’ve been a sporadic reader of your blog for say… One, two years?
Just wanted to say that it was an IMMENSE help to me(even in cached form) as an applications resource. Seriously, thanks for making the time and effort to write that thing. :)

Happy er, January the 8th.
Victor.

Happy new year and welcome back! So happy to see that you are blogging again! Don’t worry, your last blog is Sept 2011? Mine was 2010 – which is about two years? But I’m picking up the pace! Hope to read more posts from you!

ubikentang

ah pau, you are finally back!!! wah, i have been checking your blog so many times when plurk is quiet during opis downtime but it was showing the “brb” for so long.

good to have you back and please blog more! hehe.

/cries. YOU ARE BACK :D My 2012 just got better!

welcome back!! i missed reading you!

Victor

One of the best writers I’ve seen. Particularly how you describes the incessant mental tug-of-war our age group faces. There’re always so much confusion and abstraction in thoughts of a teenager stepping into adulthood. Glad to have you back!

Now life’s defining moments too. okay, back to work…

Welcome back!!!!!!

may

OH MY GOD YOUR BLOG IS BACK THIS IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION

You have a lot of hair now.

Jin Rui

su annnn.

blogggggggggggg!

:))

CHM

Good Lord. Only now did I realize you were back. Giung Hee Fatt Choi!

missed your blogging!

Foong Jin

Welcome back! :)

I identified with this post very well. Been through the stage of wanting to remain as I was and struggling against the changes forced upon me. Now I’ve made my peace with the changes, and am trying to figure out which direction my change should take me in. It is exciting and revolutionary, as you’ve said, and we will all be better human beings for going through these stages of self-discovery. Better to flounder temporarily while searching for ourselves, than to march on unconsciously and losing ourselves forever. Enjoy the process and take your time :)

Leave me a comment!