Myeloma

it is a truth that the people who have made the biggest impacts on my life don’t know it, and quite often aren’t very close to me at all. such people include – but are by far not limited to – the quietest girl in my seminar, the guy who lived down the hall from me in freshman year who had some really funny posters on his wall, my cousin’s ex girlfriend, the colleague from the next department two floors down whom i don’t even work directly with. the interaction is so limited but when my paths cross with such people whose brilliance and significance are so immediately eminent, i think about them for an incredibly long time and in some very big ways they change the decisions i make and the person that i become. sometimes they are people from the extremely distant past (like the guy i sat next to in kindergarten who had to put up with my endless crooning of Part of Your World) and sometimes they are people i live with (my suitemate).

i remember everyone and all the nuances of how they struck me the first, second, third time we met or spoke. the difficult part about that is that sometimes the most undeserving and wretched people hold my attention for that long. and the best part is that sometimes i fall in love. or rediscover what sheer respect means to me. or find a friend for keeps for life. the former kind of experience is very emotionally draining because i want to be rid of such oppressive presences, but i can’t help myself from ruminating about exactly why is it they are so undeserving and so wretched. and in a very sick way because i think about their undeservedness and wretchedness so much, it alters my form and the rest of my future as i previously knew it. i become different and it’s not even for someone that falls in the ‘best part’ category.

but that ‘best part’ category truly is the best part. it is finding small slices of humanity here and there. it is being pleasantly surprised. it is being inspired and changed by someone’s humility, intelligence, willpower or kookiness. as a result of lingering upon their impact, my form changes too — but in a strange and physical way, i feel my self morphing back into a state that feels natural and welcome. it’s new, but it’s old, and it’s natural. it’s a propelling force.

and yet the point is that these people so rarely know how seismic their acquaintance has been unto me. wistful as it is, i will probably never tell them. but then they disappear from this earth, and of course i regret not telling them — but what is most regrettable is the fact that they are forever gone, and can no longer move others the way they moved me.



26 Comments

Jia-Li

Good to have you back!

This post made me think a lot about how much I like/respect you but have never actually talked to you in person for more than 5 mins haha. Sincerely hope to one day

forever gone?

i am so glad you have a nice sidebar now. always indicate that this blog is still breathing. the broken links in the past scared me btw.

knowing your blog is back one of the highlights of my day! keep writing ah pau! ok lah, i tell you before i die that you are awesome.

Welcome back!

su ann you are one of these people in my life (not the wretched and undeserving part though!). maybe some day we shall sing Part of Your World in that quiet corner of your seminar room (which will not be quiet anymore then) ;)

We fixate on the littlest things because we have the power to make the world out of it.

Butterfly effect, much?

your writing knits together feelings that some of us can’t comprehend sometimes :)

amazing!

just, glad you’re back :)

I love people! sometimes. and I love this piece. you write about people with such compassion.

su ann dont stop blogging anymore pls! ahha i come back all the time damn disappointed to see that ‘brb’ then today when it was an actual blog i was damn happy.

suanne

thanks for this, su ann :)

Anonymous

Welcome back pinkpau :) one of my fave blogs for years and for a long time to come :D

quaintly

jia li, haha it’s funny you say that! i have this very acute memory of you that i think about from time to time, in moments when i need quick bursts of strength. one day i shall tell you what it is!

michelle c, actually there are still a lot of things i need to fix about this blog :\ i moved a bunch of my stuff and now a lot of things are missing, like my archives and all that. boo.

kimberlycun, hehe aww thank u <3

ST, thank you!

jun, bring it! disney song marathon :D

k0k, but then big things also can wat!

claire, thank you :)

bs, it's nice to be writing again too! but so little time these days (but then i've been saying that for the past four years…)

nicole, people are so wonderful to watch and learn from, aren't they?

kei, hahaha it's nice to have comments from you and others again, too. it's been way too quiet on this blog

su anne, you are welcome su anne :p

anonymous, thank you! :)

Ah…am so glad you’re back! Been a silent reader of your blog for yonks – you truly have a wonderful talent for writing! =)

To say the obvious: YOU ARE BACK! :D

quaintly

sy, thank you! :) glad you’re not so silent anymore

jian wei, YAR!

fern

i echo many of the comments above; i have not ever met you before. (and i hope you don’t find it creepy! but then you have so many loyal readers hehe)

you’re a stranger that has impacted me in some strange way. nuance of a moment or maybe even a big life altering decision, i either can’t remember or have simply lost count. it dates back to when i first read your blog 6-7 years ago (:

i really do hope you find the time to keep writing!

lv

beautifully written as always!! looking forward for more :)

cheers!

Jia-Li

Su-Ann: Wow, that’s very flattering! Also, what a cliffhanger! Aiya.

why does your site keep disappearing, woman?? lol. WELCOME BACK. stay pls.

N

You have no idea just how much impact you have upon your readers too, Su Ann. And I mean it in the most positive manner. Have been reading your blog for years but had never left a comment till today. So glad to see you posting things here again – welcome back! :)

I’ve only just read two of your posts, but I need to say that I am quite certain that I am in love with your writing. Thank you for spreading more beauty around this earth!
x

I remember I used to love visiting your blog!! You were always the super cute blogger with the really quirky name: pinkpau. But then you went on a hiatus :(

Anyways… yes welcome back pinkpau! *super loves*

Sorry to hear about your loss. I hope that you’ll draw on the positive strength this person has given you, pick up the pieces and get back on your feet.

Looking forward to your blogging again. Your blog is one of the few “young” people’s blogs that I read. Hope to see an update soon.

Kc

Been a silent follower of u for some time now, never fails to amaze me how sometimes ur words make utterly no sense yet sound oh-so-beautiful at the same time ( i have a pathologically unromantic condition, scientifically it’s called being male)

A post titled ‘myeloma’ can only be filled with pain and despair and a bottomless sense of hopelessness only people dealing with it can understand.

So thank you, for amist the pain and despair and hopelessness, you have managed to bring some sense of beauty and peace to the word.

Cameron

Hi,

I have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?

Thanks,

Cameron

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