Sparkles

it occurred to me yesterday that a full day had passed, in which i did not think about her. it troubled me. had i forgotten her? was this the slow beginning of a spiral into the ether where people left secret smiles on the faces of their beloved and then disappeared? but then i remembered that death can be a good thing. i tried to be very happy for her that she had finally found release and slipped free from all the pain that had caged her into herself for so long. but the truth is that i miss her very deeply, and that she had also slipped free from me, so quietly away into the evening humidity. i have now not known her for as many years as i have known her — her real, full, true, beautiful self who walked and talked, and sometimes laughed, and twice cried. this thing about the years is a fact that i find quite unfair. it is quite like art class in primary school, when we would paint half of an art block and fold the paper in two, to make a butterfly print: is the second half of the whole butterfly even real? did i only get twelve years or did i get twenty four? also, my memory is fading and sometimes i can’t remember if i’d held her left or right hand as we crossed the street to go to the market. and sometimes i feel that she went through so much suffering that there can’t possibly be anymore of it left in this world. i do wish she was here with me to experience this world without suffering… she is the only person i have ever met whom i have loved unconditionally. i can only hope that when she passed, she remembered me, my name and my face.



11 Comments

Cassandra

Sorry to hear about your friend. Stay strong! :)

P.S. You still write a beautifully as ever.

*hugs* i am sure she will remember the beautiful you who made her smile every time she saw you or thought of you.

PS: welcome back! i thought quaintly.net had died after your sojourn back from xianggang.

nyrac

my condolences suann. grandmothers make childhood memories complete don’t they.

*hugs*

yen

this was so painfully yet beautifully written. if i could pour my own emotions of my grandma (i’m guessing) into a tangible form of words, it would quite resemble yours. please don’t stop writing!

What constitutes a person? Is it the body or the mind? Is it that person’s belongings or deeds, his dreams or beliefs? Is it what she thinks of herself, or what others think of her? How long does a person or the idea of a person persists after death? Innumerable men and women, people with life stories and feelings as complex as yours and mine, have passed from the world and from living memory – their names worn by rain from the face of stones, their actions the feeblest echoes from the past. It’s like they were never here to begin with. Given enough time, even the greatest person in the history of the world will die.

A wise person once told me to close my eyes and recall the strongest, most cherished memory from my childhood, and to hold it in my mind. He asked me, “Can you see it clearly? As clearly as if you are there right this moment?”

Yes, I said.

“You weren’t there at all,” he told me, smiling with a smugness that was not at all unpleasant. “Every single atom that was part of you back then has been replaced many times over. What you think is your thoughts at that time, all your experiences and memories – they aren’t yours.”

-an excerpt from an essay I wrote 4 years ago after my great grandmother died [http://k0ks3nw4i.blogspot.com/2009/06/woman-who-was-my-great-grandmother.html]

Something, the details are immaterial. What matters is that we remember how someone we loved made us feel.

prav

glad you havent forgotten this space. ive really missed reading your writing, and im sure im not alone in this.

I really only wish you’d post more & more consistently. You write so beautifully. Never stop. x

ano

Please write… I crave to read your thoughts

Sorry to hear of your loss, but losing something we hold so dear is an inevitable part of life that we all need to come to terms with. It should spur us on instead of holding us back. And good to see you’re writing again, even if its once a year. It’s so hard to continue writing isn’t it? ; )

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