Storms Before the Calm

i am a field mouse once again, with the world swirling around me and a heart with open seams down the middle. selfridges feels like a lifetime ago, even further away from the bus in penang and the ashes of 12 sultan ismail. but here i am in another raging December snowstorm, as all the other Decembers conflate to reveal to me my true self, who i really am. it’s funny how much time has passed since i was last a field mouse, but the same old questions still run through my mind – what does it really mean to be on the same team? what does it mean to love? what does Radiohead’s song really mean?

in these snowstorms i like to think of the times in my life that have been pure, idyllic, and right. i move from the latte in coffee bean mt kiara to the stone bench at columbia, and then from under the teacher’s table in sri garden to the dusky rivers of pahang. these memories calm me and i feel real again — real enough to understand why it’s so important to keep my heart open to people and the small but special moments that they bring with them. i do see that the more wretched things one encounters — be they part of the world or part of oneself — the harder it becomes to remain open. but in so many ways there is something invigorating about the pain. it’s like a workout. it wrings you dry and stretches you, and suddenly there is just so much more skin to feel with. pain feels even more painful, but then the most wonderful things also expand and bloom to cover the entire sky, as far as the eye can see.



18 Comments

geng

i waited 2 days but still am the first comment.

yes, no one reads my blog anymore :)

stargazer

beautifully written… never stop writing… your post are worth the wait… :)

N

Pleasantly surprised to see a new post up here, thanks for sharing this. :)

You are wrong, Su Ann, I still check your blog out from time to time. It’s okay to opt for some downtime (like what happened to my own blog, hehehe). I remember in one of your posts, you mentioned that as you grow older, you find there is less tendency to pen everything down and bare yourself to the world. I had the same feeling too, hence the infrequency of blog posts. Happy New Year to you and may 2014 bring you greater things <3

Jaime

Hello Su Ann aka Pink Pau, I will come back and really look forward to your update although that might be quite some time in a ‘blue moon’. Is there any way that I can still catch up on your update?

fsan

ive been reading ur blog for ..hmm..like for a long time. dun stop writing ya.

i’m no one special but i (still) read your blog.

A friend posted this recently, which I find apt to be left as a comment here as well.

Matthew 6:33-34 NIV
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I still visit every now and then, but do try to post more often *winks*

Cassandra

You’re wrong Su Ann! I still visit this space from time to time. :) And you still write as beautifully as ever. :)

I still check back once every month or so to see if there are any new posts. You are still the most eloquent Malaysian blogger I know.

DANIELLE C.

you write beautifully. please don’t stop posting updates to this site!

[...] — su ann [...]

[...] — su ann [...]

nyrac

Thank you for writing. Yours is still my all-time favourite blog to read. I still mourn for the loss of the old archives :(

drea

Have always been a silent reader. I know you do not update frequently, but I will always remember to check from time to time to know how you are doing :)

Take care, Su Ann.

Hey Su Ann, do you keep a dream journal? I love the ethereal way you describe your surroundings and stages of life. Btw, Columbia was my top choice for undergrad — I envy you got to go there! Hope you’re having a great spring, and I miss your posts.

Gin

su ann, i’ve read your blog since 2006 and as long as you keep blogging i’ll keep coming back to read your musings :)

hope life is treating you well.

Leave me a comment!