Every Tomorrow

to the best of my memory, it felt like i was trapped in my skin and bones, screaming his name over and over in hopeless panic as we were both pulled further apart from each other, across sand and gravel which i could not feel but could hear the rushing scratchy heat of. as my mind slipped into a quieter state i wondered if this was representative of a subliminal state, and if so, what was it really wanting? i could not stop tears from welling up under my eyelids — they just kept coming, and welling, and falling, down my cheeks, but my fingers felt too heavy to brush anything away. and some part of my consciousness was aware of a growing dissatisfaction around me, which made me feel worse, but then i wasn’t sure if that was real too. it’s funny, but it’s possible to feel acutely alone in the midst of many people. what was i really wanting? if i close my eyes i can feel it, the sounds of the slithering sand go away and i can feel — his hand across mine, as he sleeps lightly breathing next to me, easily awakened and always full of fantastical stories from the edges of his dreams. my heart feels like it might burst from joy at the proximity and the possibility of this thought. is this love or is it a dependency, or are the two not separable? i am grateful today for technology and grace of being. i have the sun on my back now and it feels nice. i content myself with the knowledge that at least one of us is asleep and safe from cruelties, even if just for a short while.

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