Posts filed under 'Daily Grind'
it was a long time ago. i opened the book and read the first page, perhaps a little too recklessly. there was a story on it - short, sweet and snowy. pause for some time-travel : i’m thinking back to that time at Toastmasters, the watered-down teh tarik, the elderly Grammarian, a guy called Fai, and me… me turning around to say, ‘yes?’ and then regretting it immediately. and now i’m back to the book in my hands, as i stand in front of a dust-collecting bookcase with a table behind me that in later years would become very special. a table that in later years would be given away, and i would never see it again. my last day there is hazy; i dont remember if i knew it was my last day there. but does it really matter? the couch stinks now, it reeks of green tank tops. my memory of the living room has become narrow-eyed and wary. i wish to forget it sometimes.
i had a dream the other night. in it, i was asking angrily, ‘do you want to get out of my house?’ and he said, ‘yes’. so i said, ‘okay, go.’ i dont know if he chose to go, because reality’s phone rang then, pulling me by the stomach out of my restless slumber and turning my nervous hypothalamus inside out until i was shocked awake - back in the world of the living and caffeinated, back in the world where phones ring at the most crucial moments of your dreams. i picked up the phone and saw that the caller was the person who may or may not have left my house. baby, i had a bad dream, i whispered. and he soothed me and calmed me all the way from there - that city with the ubiquitous traffic light sounds and the sloping slopey slope down to Queen’s Road Central - sending me his love and very, very obviously not leaving my house. thank you for not going.
i can see my toes from where i’m sitting, and i suppose that it’s a good and healthy thing to be able to see your toes. very much recommended by the experts! long live visible toes. but i fear that if the haze gets any worse, i wont be able to see them anymore. the air will be thick and dusty like the last time my brother ran combustion experiments in the oven and the whole apartment was filled with pizza-box smoke. sorta like haze, but the difference is that the person responsible for the pizza-box smoke (my brother) was sorry. but we flung our windows open anyhow.
went out with lynn and st and ivan for dinner yesterday. it was very good and i laughingly told them Waffle84’s 3 rules for buffet dinners. rule #3 was to not drink any water, but ivan blatantly defied this by grabbing my glass of strawberry juice and downing it, because i was wailing about wanting to change my drink (the strawberry juice was really bad, and each person only gets one glass to fill with whatever choice of beverage) but there was nowhere to empty the glass into. and apparently ivan thought the best place to empty it would be his stomach, and that’s what he did. for me! even if it meant breaking rule #3 and drinking vile fruit juice! awwww ivan. <3 chivalry is not dead because you’re alive. MWAH. happy belated birthday to a fabulous you :)
November 28th, 2007
things that were bad about this morning : my high school counselor stood me up for our 10am meeting, my new pair of flip-flops died, the beef ball noodle shop that i reeeeeally wanted to go to for lunch was closed, The Star’s skewed journalism regarding yesterday’s Hindraf rally, and my missing Reese Peanut Butter Cups tshirt. yes i have a Peanut Butter Cups tshirt. it’s very cute. Puppy gave it to me. and now it’s missing :(
but as is prone to happen, the morning took a turn for the better quite suddenly and unexpectedly :) i was in a cab on the way home from my meeting that didnt happen, a tad annoyed and extremely fatigued, when my cabbie’s mobile phone rang. it was his wife! and from the backseat, i could hear her screeching with mucho fervor over the phone. she was clearly very mad about something, but it was sooooo cute to watch the cabbie apologize and soothe his wife :P
his side of the conversation, which i was eavesdropping on with much glee : “aiyo.. sorry okay? don’t angry okay? wei… don’t angry lah… i know i’m wrong… yah i know i promised… yah i know promises are important… that’s why i’m sorry… please don’t be angry! you want lunch? i buy for you lunch.. okay what you want to eat? pau? porridge? noodles? what you want, i buy for you! har dont want anything? why? why you dont want to eat? you must eat! are you not eating because you’re angry at me? wei don’t like that lah… okay lah okay lah i come back and take you out for lunch okay? will that make you happy? okay okay i come back now.. bye bye. remember dont be angry ah!”
hahahahahahahhaa SO cute!
when he hung up, i asked him why his wife was so angry, and it turns out he was supposed to go back during his break at 6am to ……. take a nap. cos his wife is very concerned about his lack of sleep. isn’t that adorable! anyway he obviously didn’t go home, and i asked him why. and he sheepishly said that he went for coffee with a couple of cabbie friends. HAHAHA.
i then told him that his wife is very lucky to have a nice husband like him who’s so willing to apologize and comfort her. we girls, after all, like to be babied every now and then :) then he sighed and said, ‘what to do… i sayang her so much.’
awwwwwwwww. :))))) that just made my day. and so my morning became much, much, much better after that. even though the haze is back and i STILL haven’t found my peanut butter cups tshirt! @#$%^
haven’t been able to sleep lately. the thing is i AM SO tired, but i just cant seem to be able to sleep more than 4 hours these days. and that’s after going on without sleep for about 24 hours. if only this state of sleeplessness would increase my productivity, but no! it doesnt! in fact, i dont even feel like doing anything at all. sigh. all i want to do is eat ice cream and stare at the ceiling and try to sleep.
but i’ve been much happier these days. not jumping out of my skin kinda happy, but an almost nirvanic kinda happy. the people in my life have been going through a lot of things, and when they talk to me about it, they drop random bits of wisdom that i usually look at as cliches or easier-said-than-done.. but after some contemplation (in my sleep-deprived, sense-heightened state), i find that there is nothing truer than the most cliched of wisdoms. like, ‘all you can do is hope for the best’. ‘learn to let go’. ‘if you dont try, you’ll never know’. ‘we can’t expect everyone to be the way we want them to’. and, ‘prayer helps’.
i grew up a lot over the past weeks. i’ve learnt a lot of things - painful things that hurt me - and i’ve also learnt how to deal with them. i think my problem sometimes is that i worry too much about things, always needing to know what is going on, always needing to have my hand in the solution.. when at times the best thing to do is just STOP, and see that there is not a whole lot you can do about certain things.
so why worry? again, another cliche that i often dismiss. i used to - and to a certain extent still am - think that worrying is a good thing, because it shows that you’re thinking about your situation and trying to fix it or make sure it turns out okay, and if it things go bad, you are at least prepared for the blow and can deal with it effectively.
but that’s the problem i suppose. i try so hard to insulate and protect myself, always anticipating hurt and heartbreak, that i’ve come to see such things at every corner i turn. i flinch whenever something is handed to me because i immediately think there’s an ulterior motive, a trick up the sleeve, an illusion that i was silly enough to think was real. but that’s no way to live, is it? that’s no way to love, either. and you sure as heck dont have a lot of fun.
i’m still learning to let go. of things, and of myself.
i’m just very, very, very lucky and grateful to know that the people in my life will always be out there to catch me =) and to feed me cliched wisdoms whenever i need some.
November 26th, 2007
life has been nice and slow lately, but there is always reason for panic. i accidentally pulled the emergency alarm at Martian’s apartment the other day, and then suddenly there was all this clanging, and bells, and whooping, and ringing, and this automated woman’s voice shouting Emergency! Emergency! Emergency! over and over again.
i half expected security to barge into our apartment with their guns blazing, and so i quickly started formulating in my head the excuse i would give them when they really do come crashing in. i mean, i cant possibly tell them that i tried to hang my bathrobe on the alarm trigger, right? what would they think! anyway, no one came barging in. just my boyfriend, who looked very confused at all the noise. me, i was just sheepish. had to look at the ceiling and twiddle my thumbs when explaining how the alarm went off. sigh, i got a good spanking after that. hardly a punishment though, heehee.
i dreamt about a mirror the other day; one of those full-length, ornate, Victorian mirrors that you set on the floor. it looked so unbelievably gorgeous in my dream, that when i woke up i just knew i had to have one of those beautiful mirrors. so together with Timtam and my Slutboi, we went mirror-hunting all over Singapore (exaggeration!! but it really did feel like all over Singapore), but it was a futile expedition that turned up naught. i was mightily disappointed =( surely a step-into-my-boudoir mirror cant be so hard to find! i did however end up buying a toy seal i now call Polar Bear. and then Timtam decides to tell me that polar bears actually eat seals. grrrrr leave it to him to tell me all these random disturbing National Geographic facts. i still assert that polar bears eat fish. FISH!
we also went to eat burgers. it was my first ever Carls Jr experience, and i was extremely shocked to find that the burgers were about as big as my face:
oh the massivity
me eating chili cheese fries, although they dont look very chili cheese in this picture
this is Polar Bear!!!
the spanker and the spankee
dinner at Ming’s place
hahahahahaha look what we found!!!!!! see see this Kenny damn excited. the quote of the day was when Ming said, “guess no one is very interested in my copy of the Harvard Business Review..” :P
isnt this photo gorgeous? =) Huiwen, Nadnut, Xiaxue, Pinkpau, Estee
i’ve been back home for a few days now. had dinner with the family tonight at Sek Yuen, that really old place in Pudu where the waitresses are straight out of the early 90’s, and the old man behind the counter uses an abacus. when our fish came, i stared for the longest time at its open mouth; lips already deep fried in batter and soy sauce. do fishes open their mouths in their death or are they forced open by the cook? i didnt know the answer, but it was a mesmerizing thing, that fish’s gaping mouth that i know will soon be forgotten.
in Sek Yuen, hot checkered handkerchiefs are given out after the meal instead of those soapy wet tissues in plastic. i accepted mine gratefully and put it across my eyes. it smudged my makeup but that’s okay - nothing feels nicer than a warm cloth pressed to your face.
October 17th, 2007
there is a little bit of a reprieve where i am, and it’s due to a disaster called ‘table corruption’. despite being very thankful for the breather, it still feels kinda weird to know that i’m sitting here crosslegged and massaging my head, when the tech guys on the other side are wheeling around in flurries of panic trying to fix the problem. and i know Boss is pacing the floor of his apartment trying not to kill himself.
these days all i am is tired. too tired to look for my left sock, too tired to reply texts, too tired to charge my mobile phone. yeah dont think i dont realize i have my SAT 2 coming up in less than a month and i havent studied. this is ridiculous. my atrocious SAT 1 results and the fact that i blew off 2 essay competitions last month is still fresh in my mind. i need to stop digging myself deeper into this hole of disappointment and failure. this year has really really sucked for me.
but i bought pisang goreng at the stall next to the LRT station yesterday, and that made me happy for a while.
which reminds me of something a drunk stranger said to me one time some years back. he told me he thought i was a sad person. equally drunk, i trilled back that he must be craaaaaayzy, because i’m the happiest person anyone could ever meet. he replied, ‘ah you talk happy, you laugh happy, you wear happy clothes and you even walk happy.. but here-’ and at this point he poked a finger at my heart, ‘here, you are all saaaaadness, girl.’
i think i rolled my eyes and ignored him after that. at the time, i had thought it was such bollocks, someone telling me i was a sad person inside. i mean, the gall of it all; he didnt even know me! but now that i’ve learnt to stop defining myself via self-portraits that i myself paint, be it the Facebook profiles or those long introspective nights, i’ve come to realize that what that stranger from Atmosphere had said all those years back was and is still true. deep down inside i throb with sadness. sadness for something i long for, but will never get. no i dont actually know what that something is, though i wish i did so i could go out and look for it.
but i do know that i always have these little things around me that keep me happy and distract me from sadness. things that i sometimes take for granted, things that give me hope. and because i’m a little bit sad today and need some of this hope, i’m going to list some of these things down.
pisang goreng
fresh laundry
writing with newly-sharpened pencils
truth or dare
red shoes
flea markets
scrapbooking
reading a good book on a long flight
Flying Pan (a breakfast cafe in Hong Kong)
that glorious feeling of a new toothbrush in your mouth
people who smile at flyer distributors while saying no thanks
cute old ladies
my father calling me to ask me how to spell certain words. today’s was ‘lieutenant’
grocery shopping
crossing out things on my To Do list
talking about sex with Tze wtf
flowers
sundresses
when Martian jumps out at me from behind a door to scare me
when he helps me do up the zippers on the back of my dresses
how he tries to upskirt me all the time
the moments right before we fall asleep
———————–
yknow, i’ve realized what it is exactly that i need. i need a good trip somewhere!!! somewhere new. it’s been too long. hmm…
EDIT. to add to that list of things that make me happy when i’m having a bad day : surprise snail mail from the boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i checked my mailbox and there was this card for me. on the envelope and underneath my street address it was written ‘(dekat nasi lemak panas)’. hahahaha i burst out laughing. and murmured, babyyyyyy, even though he wasnt there to hear it. i wish he was.
on the front of the card is the most adorable picture ever, along with just the right words to oblivate my bad mood today. on the inside is a lot of Martianny goodness, but that shan’t be shared :P
i’m so happy now i’m bubbling over :) :) :)
September 5th, 2007
it rained in the wee hours of the morning, and that’s usually the harbinger of worse than usual traffic during the rush to work. so when Toteman called to say he’d be a little late in coming to pick me, i had expected it and was serenely unannoyed over the fact that i would in turn be late as well. it was a perfectly nice morning, why waste it i thought, so i walked down the street to the neighbourhood mamak stall, stopping along the way to buy curry puffs for the boys and to artfully dodge imminent rain puddles.
usually there are a bunch of school children waiting for the bus, but not today because it’s a weeklong school holiday. i’ve noticed that no one ever talks to each other and everyone always looks bored. the boys always have their hair plastered down with water and combed back; the girls have really neat shoes and socks. i’m kinda glad to see that those ugly colourful schoolbags (as opposed to backpacks! ’schoolbags’ are in an entire league of their own) are actually still around; i thought they died out with my primary school days, but clearly they havent.
the first time i saw those fresh-looking schoolkids with bright eyes, i wondered at the back of my head if they had mobile phones and ipods in their pockets, seeing how society is getting richer these days and working parents more lavish with their guilty gifts. then i realized they probably didnt have those gadgets, because if they did, they’d probably have whipped them out and would be tinkering away with them while waiting for the bus. such are kids of the 21st century. i should know - as i sit here in the mamak writing this post, every single person around me is toying with their mobile phone or PDAs over their roti canai and hot milky drinks. even i cant resist making use of the wireless connection here. (but then again i never do try resisting anyway hehehe)
i’m drinking milo ais kosong which is like my default mamak drink. my shoes are dry and i’m wiggling my cotton-socked toes around in them comfortably. i do detest the feeling of sloshing around in wet shoes!
it’s so darn early in the morning. i’ve almost forgotten how good it feels to be up at this time of the day, having breakfast and reading the papers, not rushing anywhere. sigh deep down inside i believe i’m actually a morning person.
me with half a curry puff in my mouth. i am so ladylike it amazes even me sometimes.
is anyone going for gwen stefani? i’m just awaiting the day that certain quarters will learn to be mature about this anti-western performer concerts issue. there are more pressing matters to be addressed, dontcha think, instead of frothing at the mouth over a performer’s choice of stockings.
August 20th, 2007
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