i’ve been avoiding writing this post for a long time, mostly because i wanted to find all the right words to explain how i feel, but i’ve realized that the right words are never going to come, and i’ve put this off long enough. the short of it is that Martian and i have broken up. we broke up several months ago. we both knew it was coming because we were fighting so much all the time, and it became clearer and clearer with each forced reconciliation that what we had was becoming very unnatural. what happened? i guess i was weak. the distance and the growing antagonism had become so difficult and i couldn’t bear it. i was anxious, sensitive and emotionally spent, and while Martian did a remarkable job of dealing with me as i went through all these emotions while finding my footing in this new world of college away from home, i think i had become too much of a burden even for him. he still loved me so unconditionally, as he always has, but i was completely wrecked with guilt. i couldn’t deal with myself and him at the same time, and so this is what happened.

i think we were both stunned, as were my best friends when i told them only weeks later that we’d broken up. i only told my parents very recently, and even that was because my mom still kept referring to him as her son in law, and one day i just couldnt listen to her say that anymore. i think everyone expected us to get married. we were so in love. it was all very confusing for a while — the finality of it all, the course of events, the silence, the gaping hole — and to an extent, it’s still confusing to this day. i said once that i dont usually surprise myself, but in doing this, i definitely did. some days i dont recognize who i’ve become.

many people, mostly strangers, have emailed me over the course of the past several months, asking about Martian and me or just to tell me how much they admire our relationship. i gave gracious thanks but told them that Martian and i had already broken up. i’m sorry to all the people who come here to follow the lives of two people who are still holding on fast to love despite the tribulations of long distance, but are instead met with this ending. the truth is that long distance is not impossible; i’m just weak. i crave too much the ability to pick up the phone and say to my boyfriend, hey let’s go to Food Republic for dinner tonight. i cannot put into words how crushed i feel when i wake up in the mornings and murmur, baby hold me, only to be met with silence, nothingness and my own wide eyes. and during moments of fear and panic, there is no greater loneliness than the sound of a ringing dial tone that never ends. the worst parts are the fights and how the making up is spartan, drained and kissless. once upon a time, or in another place and epoch, Martian and i could have made it… but so much has changed, and we’ve both evolved at such different paces. i wish i could have been stronger for Martian all those months ago, but we have lost something. it’s become so hard to talk to each other without one of us getting angry over little matters, perhaps because we’re so expectant and so starved. is that it? did we starve each other out?

i met up with Martian briefly over coffee when i was back in KL over spring break. just briefly. despite many interruptions, it’s been such a long time since we could talk fluidly like that. he asked me what i would do if on my wedding day he burst into the church to stop the wedding. haha he’s still so cutely crazy. and i still have so much love for him, this Martian of mine with the permanent grimace and the stubble. at the end of it all i gave him a big hug and said sorry. for what, he asked. for everything, i suppose.

you know those paper flowers that we used to fold as kids? where the four petals are shaded in different colors and each petal has a different fate written underneath it, and we would open and close the flower with our fingers and chant to our friends, what color do you want? i feel like i’ve folded my life into such a flower. i feel like all those metaphors from Saint Exupery’s The Little Prince are all coming to life now and consuming me in a thorny garden of many faceless, mediocre roses. that Coffee Bean in Mont Kiara… is it even still there or is Somo going to eventually devour it? shavings of my heart are still in that carpet in Vantage Park, Hong Kong, where we used to sit and watch Little Britain and eat takeout dinners.

the swollen heat of the summer of 2006 is still on my cheeks. i remember walking in the streets of Central with Martian, too shy to hold hands, but tenderly loving him from afar. the new me could have learned a lot from the old me. but here we are, almost the summer of 2009; how fast time flies and tides ebb. we are both so much happier and so free. Martian, did we do the right thing? we must have. this is our happy. you’re doing everything that you’ve always wanted to do, and i’m growing up now and learning so much. i’m becoming the better, stronger woman that you’ve always wanted to see me become. and you will always be my baby.

i wish that i’d had the foresight to blow off my calculus midterm on my birthday. as i found out the moment i took the paper in my hands, i’d studied all week long for nothing, because i still couldnt answer more than half the paper. the day would have been spent a lot better out in Soho or Times Square, methinks, with Martian, who came to NY to surprise me for my birthday :)

so here’s the story! two days before my birthday, i got a really weird text from Martian saying, ‘don’t tell su ann i’m going. she doesnt know’. obviously it wasnt meant to be sent to me, but where was he going that he couldnt tell me about? so i texted him to ask what’s up, but i didnt get a reply. half an hour later, i texted again to ask if he was keeping anything from me. still no reply. then i called him, but he didnt answer. by an hour later, i was getting really angry (and paranoid), so i called him again. TO FIND THAT HIS PHONE WAS OFF.

and thus ensued something like four hours of me trying to call him, but to no avail. my thoughts were really all over the place at this point – i was trying to pin down where he was going, if he was going to meet someone (like some other girl grrrrrr), or if he was going to do something that i wouldnt want him doing. sieutheng kept trying to console me by saying he was probably coming to NY to surprise me for my birthday, but i wasnt so sure, because he’d just left NY a month ago.

by the fifth hour of incommunicado, i was already contemplating calling his mother, but i decided to call one of his best friends first. so i called tattiong (aka justin but tattiong is a lot nicer to say), all panicky and worried, and asked him if he knew where Martian was. he said no, but they were supposed to meet for dinner that night, so if i didnt get to talk to Martian by then, tattiong would make him call me. so since they had dinner plans, i was ruling out the possibility of a surprise visit, which made me even more worried. but actually tattiong is just a very good liar because i found out later that he knew Martian was coming -_- wtf…

dissatisfied, i called Martian’s mother. and omg she just kept changing the subject. i asked her if she knew where Martian was and she kept asking me things like how was i doing, if i was coping well with school, if it was cold, if i was eating properly etc etc etc. when i couldnt stand it anymore and insisted that she tell me where he was, you know what she told me?

‘he’s actually in the hospital for surgery.’

?!?!?!

and i was like FOR WHAT!!! but she wouldnt tell me! she just went on changing the subject and saying that the surgery wasnt serious, that i shouldnt worry, that this was no big deal… which was really strange because she’s like this really kind and concerned mom who would take it quite seriously if Martian was in the hospital for surgery. then i asked her why didnt Martian tell me that he was going for surgery, and she goes “oh.. sorry, i didnt know that you two weren’t speaking!” haih everyone’s a good liar these days. then she told me she would put Martian on the phone when she goes to visit him at the hospital.

haih. okay lor. so clearly i wasnt going to get any information out of her. we hung up, and i called tattiong again to tell him about the hospital news. again, he was sooooo indifferent about the hospital thing, and said that Martian probably didnt tell me about it because he didnt want me to worry, which is so not a real-life situation because Martian and i just dont have that kind of relationship. we would probably ham up a papercut just to get more attention from the other.

an hour later, i finally got my answers. i received something like 10 texts from Martian in one go explaining what was going on. he actually sent all of the texts before he boarded the plane, but as fate would have it (and of course it always does), the texts didnt get to me until 6 hours later. in the first few texts, he went with the appendicitis story, saying that he was going in for surgery now, didnt want me to worry, and that he would call me 12 hours later hahahha what is this?! think i stupid ah! appendicitis surgery doesnt take 12 hours! then somewhere in the middle, presumably because i wasnt replying him, he asked, ‘baby arent you worried about me?’ hahahahaha see, see what did i say. then in the later texts, he explained that he was actually coming to see me, and that he would be stopping over in London, but that he would be here in New York in 24 hours :))

:))

:)))))))))

so this is him napping in my room after he arrived, using Ham as a neck rest:

oh wait cerita belum habis. Martian apparently had this grand plan that he wanted to put in action, which was to get one of my friends to meet up with me, and instead of that friend turning up, he would show up with flowers instead and surprise me. so guess who he contacted to be his partner-in-crime?

LIEW SUET LI.

hahahahaha aiyooooo let me tell you why she is the worst partner in crime, EVER. to cut short a really long pinging and ponging back and forth between me and suet, she basically told me that she wanted to meet up with me (she’s studying in Massachusetts) cos she would be in New York over the weekend. BUT, she’s actually already coming here next week, so i asked her why would she make double trips? she then said that she wanted to spend time with me for my birthday hahahahahaha which is like ludicrous because it is SO TOTALLY NOT something she would do. so i didnt believe her. and then she started changing her story, saying that she had to come to NY to meet someone, and that i couldnt tell Barry (her boyfriend) or anyone else about it, and that she really needed me to be there for her before she met this person. so i started getting worried. i’m like who’s this person you have to meet? what’s going on? what are you doing?? are you cheating on barry????

and she tells me:

she’s coming to NY to get an abortion.

an ABORTION.

“it’s barry’s baby! i cant tell barry because he will freak out!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WTFFFFF WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THIS

you know what’s even funnier?

i actually believed it.

and agonized over it for a couple of days, wondering like crazy if i should convince her to keep the baby. sigh.

——————-

there, that is the story of the failed Martian surprise. in the end he just came straight to my college after checking into the hotel. then on my birthday, he took me out for dinner at Serafina. he’s also spending a couple more days here before he leaves :) sigh. im just really, really glad he’s here. i’ve been missing him so much. it really was the coolest ’surprise’ ever; i really dont mind that it didnt work out the way it was planned, as long as Martian is here. a big thank you to you, liewsuetli, for being part of the plan and for not actually getting yourself knocked up :P

pictures of some birthday presents!:

these flowers were delivered to my dorm together with a box of chocolates and a big happy yellow helium balloon! :D they were from my lovely aunt, whom you can see leaving comments on my blog every now and then.

Martian got me a gorgeous pair of shoes from Shoes Shoes Shoes! i think it was last Christmas that he was going to get me something gadgety like an MP3 player or a mobile phone, and then his friend who owns Shoes Shoes Shoes scolded him and said that every girl should get girly gifts like shoes. haha. i think he took the advice to heart :P i love the shoes! i always think it’s so cool when a guy knows what kind of shoes or clothes to get his girlfriend :)

and this is the card Martian mailed to me. he’s damn funny wan la, he actually couriered this card to me even though he was coming here. waste money on postage only… but nvm lah the card so cute! when i saw the piggy i was like WTF… what is he trying to say! then when i opened it, the first sentence was “i know what you’re thinking.. it’s not like that”. haha :P

OMG these are from Carol! cupcakes from Magnolia!!! earlier this year when i told the people from Bisou that i was possibly going to New York to study, they insisted that i check out this cupcake place in NY called Magnolia. apparently the cupcakes there are reallyyyyy good, and it’s the store that was featured in Sex and the City? and Carol got some for me <3 omg <3 i nearly fainted from ecstasy when i ate them. it's super sweet, yes, but SO DELICIOUS. these cupcakes redefine sinful. carol, even Martian says they're good. and you know how Mr Carrot Chip hates sinful desserts...

a beanie from Chew Fui! i didnt think of buying hats for the winter, so i’m really going to need this when it gets colder here. the beanie came along with a super cute card that had a masterpiece drawn by Chew Fui’s daughter, Mei. it’s so cool! check out the envelope behind the card :D

and this huge box came for me in the mail last week :) i knew immediately that it was from my family. i opened it to find:

hahaha! i think my family thinks i’m still a kid. and they thought right! the wrinkly bulldog is from my dad and the red elephant is from my mom. the elephant’s name is Dumbo, which is actually what my parents have been calling me since i was a baby. until now. ya. my parents call me Dumbo :\ they duped the 4-year-old me into thinking it was a cute name.. but now that i am 20 and more discerning, i know better :\

the cow is from Tall Brother and he actually referred to it as a ‘pig’ in the card. hello?? it is a cow, not a pig! but haih then again he also thought Pooch (who is a dog) was a sheep. and the long sausage pig is from Short Brother. his name is Ham! the pig, not my brother. Martian thinks Ham is a very good neck rest.

and this is the card that came with the box. sigh. when i opened the card and read it, it really hit me that this was my first birthday away from my home. i guess i hadnt really thought about it until that point in time. i miss my family! :( and it’s my Short Brother’s birthday today. happy birthday Short Brother!!!

i also got a bunch of American snacks from my floormates, but i forgot to take pictures of the snacks! now they’re all in my tummy. i’m having a lot of fun exploring this whole new world of American snacks. pretzels, salted popcorn, pop tarts, reese’s pieces… yumm :)

all in all, i had a wonderful birthday :) if you guys left me comments or facebook mssgs but didnt see the thank you video i left in the comments section of the post below, then let me say thank you again! i know i should be growing out of this phase where i’m really excited to have birthday cards and birthday presents and i’m always looking forward to birthday cake and all the phone calls at midnight… but i cant help myself :))) i just love birthdays. i wonder if i’ll still love them as much when i hit the big 3-0 ten years from now.