Posts filed under 'Martianisms'
i keep clicking around as if there’s going to be an answer for me somewhere on the internet. like maybe wikipedia can help me solve this problem, or maybe an email will appear, heartfelt and detailed, giving me a better understanding of this whole situation. i really wish i was there, in person and in flesh, so that i could do something helpful with my hands and my hugs instead of being a phone call and some hazy synapses away. i always choose all the wrong times to leave.
i saw this old photo of you that alex put on facebook. i have so much love for you that it spills over. i could love the you in that old photo from 5 years back as much as i love you now, and i would still have plenty of love left over. when i said that i need someone to draw strength from, i only had you in mind. you inspire me daily with how brave you are. when we’re together, it feels like everything in the world is in their rightful place and all is calm. when we’re holding each other, everything feels just. right. i cant wait to see you and make everything good again.
July 27th, 2008
Martian and i aren’t always happy. we both have our own fears and insecurities about our relationship, our direction, ourselves and each other. sometimes these fears and insecurities happen simultaneously, and we fight. there are the fights, and then there are the REALLY BIG fights that involve crying, screaming, swearing, hurtful statements and walking out. then there are the break-ups, the exchange of cruel words and spitefully hissing what we hate so much about each other. by no means are we the perfect couple. there are days when i cant help but think that we are just so wrong for each other.
yet at the end of the day, after each fight be it big or small, we fall back into each other’s arms, spilling over with murmurs of i’m-sorry’s, frantic kisses, hungry grasps and all the love that we have for each other. we ache to make it up to the other person, to hopefully erase from their memory all the mean and callous words said in the heat of anger, to win our place back in the other person’s heart again. in these moments, as we kiss and make up, i’m always thinking.. how could i have screamed at someone like him? how could i have gotten angry? how can i not realize what a good, amazing, perfect thing i have in my boyfriend? to squander our precious time away by fighting… what could i have possibly been thinking?
i’ve always believed that love, essentially, is loving the other person more than you love yourself; putting their happiness before your own. it is measured by how much you are willing to sacrifice for the other. it is big things like trying your very best to become a kinder, more patient, more thoughtful person so that you can make her happy, and it is small things like missing your favorite tv show just so you can pick him up from football practice. so when i read this line in an Oscar Wilde book one day – ‘to love is to surpass oneself’, i felt like i had found a precious gem of universal truth.
i want a lot of things. i am a lot of things. but i give up, and change, all of these because i love Martian.
two years ago, we sat at Martian’s dining table at his apartment, weeding through Antoine de Saint Exupery’s ‘The Little Prince’ to exhume two metaphors from each of the 27 chapters for my college assignment. that’s a grand total of 54 metaphors, and we were pulling an all-nighter trying to get the assignment done before morning. i later found out that Adrian had given me the wrong information, and it was really only just two metaphors for the FIRST TWO chapters.
when i found out about the misinformation, i scolded Adrian for causing me to waste my time like that. but i never got around to thanking him and giving him a big hug for inadvertently giving me one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.
that night, on the 4th of July 2006, while taking a break from Antoine de Saint Exupery’s The Little Prince, Martian held me, closed his eyes and told me that he loved me. that night, i told him that i love him too. and that is how we started.
happy anniversary baby. i love you so much. i’m so sorry i bluffed you about coming out to get a glass of water but i really ended up blogging and chatting on MSN, and now you’ve fallen asleep :\
July 4th, 2008
it’s been long day after long day; the big Columbia clock keeps ticking over my head. i am drowning in to-do lists. my inner child wants to just sleep, but i cant because i am constantly kept awake by the atrocities that happen in our daily lives and the world. why are people hypocritical? why are there political assassinations? why do people fight? why do people get sick? why are principles being discarded? why does spite exist? why are people so concerned with looks and money? why is our air getting hazier? why do the evil and the scheming triumph? does sincerity exist anymore?
my head is swirling with iron deficiency. i havent been eating much lately, either. tomorrow i will be back in the arms of my Martian, and he will make sure i am eating well, but tomorrow feels so far away. i worry the world will implode before then, collapsing into itself from the wretched burden of itself, which means that i will never have my tomorrow. tomorrow, America’s skies will be littered with fireworks; tomorrow, mine will be littered with uncertainties and love. two years ago, i felt this way too. i was bound by the paralysis of caring too much. i was frantic and frightened. i am still.
did you know that it’s already july… doesn’t time fly. i wish time would freeze and i could enjoy chicken wings and la-la at jalan alor forever. have bubbly in bangsar every afternoon until i become one big gas bubble. i also wish i didn’t get hurt so easily. it’s becoming so hard to love people when they all seem so caustic and uncaring.
there was a time where i used to come home from school, eat apples and play Roller Coaster Tycoon. it was a time of fish porridge and pure bliss.
i am tired. i dont feel well.
i have a sudden urge to go swimming.
i have a question. it’s a simple one. what is love?
July 3rd, 2008
i asked to try a flavor and he gave it to me. then i asked for another. and another. rum & raisin, walnut butterscotch, rocky road on little plastic spoons. then finally, i lingered on chocolate ecstasy, and stopped there. double scoop in a waffle cone with chopped almonds, please. a quick exchange and then there is bliss in my hand. i dont hesitate. what is it about ice cream? the creamy texture? the cold sweetness? the surprise ingredients? that sticky first bite?
i have a million ice cream moments; they dot my life like stars. there was the time i went on a dessert fast and azlan bribed me out of it with ice cream. the day i turned 18 with a candle in a cup of ice cream at the stroke of midnight. and i will always remember how good it feels to lean on the wire fences near the school field with my friends, chattering away in kidspeak, while trying to make our lime and vanilla popsicles from the ice cream man last longer. remember this post long ago about a person who fed me ice cream so perfectly? did you know that it was about Martian? that post was written on his birthday. we had been together only and exactly 2 weeks when i wrote it.
sometimes when Martian and i fight, and i descend into one of my epic sulks, he tries to bribe his way back into my good graces with ice cream. it’s terrible how this tactic always works. TERRIBLE. the man can do no wrong as long as he puts his arm around my shoulders and says, ‘come baby, don’t sulk. i take you for ice cream ok? a nice double scoop cone of Chocolate Ecstasy and Cookies n Cream, ok?’ sigh. sometimes it’s not just about the ice cream; it’s about how he knows exactly what i like, and how he puts these things in my hands to make me smile again. but er, a lot of the time it’s also about the ice cream.
i came home tonight agitated – door slammin’, fight pickin’, blood boilin’. all i wanted to do was forget the reason why i was angry because it is about something that i have spent way too much time being angry about, and it is also something that i cannot change. feeling helpless, i could do nothing but sit on the couch and quietly partake in the pint of ice cream Martian bought for me when we had that big fight at Gardens the other day. chocolate fudge brownie :) a whole pint and 90 minutes of mindless chick flick (Bring It On 4!) later, i felt infinitely better. i felt refreshed, satiated, kinder. the secret, i have realized, lies in simple pleasures. like ice cream and lunchtime naps. who cares about anything else when you have in your hands what makes you happy?
and so tonight i am happy. happier. contented. because of life, ice cream and simple pleasures.
i stocked up! NZN has this 30% discount on all take-away pints on the 30th of each month, and that makes me very very very happy indeedy. simple pleasures, remember? discounts are one of them :) and now that fuel prices have gone up again in Malaysia, it looks like i will be embracing a long future of hermitage and never again using any expensive fuel to go anywhere – all that i need is in my freezer, here in my home. and now that electricity tariffs are rising too, i guess i will just have to eat my ice cream in the dark.
June 5th, 2008
i know two Martians. there is the crabby Martian who is all impatience and angst, and then there is the Martian who gropes around the bed in the middle of the night to find my hand and hold it tightly to his chest. the first Martian can be either amusing or maddening, depending on the situation, and the second Martian doesn’t let go of my hand even if i try to squirm away to get some blood flow back into my arm.
i couldnt show you or tell you all about Martian even if i tried. there’s just so many things to say and so many experiences to delve into; i could fill up a hundred scrapbooks with every laugh, every fight, every conversation, every emotion that we call ours, and i still would not have captured the essence of the person that Martian truly is. some days i wake up and i think i know him inside out, but i love him most when he catches me off-guard and surprises me with a side of him i’ve never known. like the other day, when he made me walk in the rain (i hate walking in the rain) and i was extremely pissed off throughout the whole walk home. plus my new suede shoes were all wet from the puddles. when we arrived home, my mother called, and i was on the phone with her for a while, glad for the reprieve from Martian because i was so angry at his inconsideration. when the conversation ended, i went into the kitchen, and saw Martian drying my shoes and my bag with paper. i felt so small.
i went around the apartment today taking pictures of many Martiany things. i thought i’d put up some of the pictures to share with you guys a little slice of my boyfriend’s life :)
#1 paintings he bought during our Hanoi trip
#2 a little trolley on the shoe cabinet, where he keeps his wallet and other loose change. the wheels move!
#3 he bought me the pink dinosaur from Vivo one day simply cos i said i liked it. and i bought him the duck from Bugis when he was still living in Hong Kong. it used to stay on top of his stereo. note the jacket on the right! every time we go out for a movie, Martian likes to annoy me by asking ‘do you think the cinema will be cold?’ and then when i say yes, he will say ‘oh it looks like i will have to take my jacket’. i have no idea why he insists on doing this. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
#4 my flats and his loafers and a little bit of my toes. he got that wooden box so that he had somewhere to sit when tying his shoelaces -_____-
#5 these are studio pictures with his friends from HK – Adrian, Raymond and Kaz
#6 these are the Pooch salt & pepper shakers that i got him from my last trip to Bangkok. we were fighting and it was a sort of I’m Sorry gift. it was either the shakers or this really large bronze bell that he would have liked more, but i was too lazy to carry it around. behind Salt & Pepper is a card he left me this morning before he went to work =)
#7 his really messy shelves to match my own really messy shelves back home. sigh. a man after my own heart!
#8 his bedtime reading ever since we got here. Next by Michael Crichton (j0n this is the book i was telling you about!), Tash Aw’s Harmony Silk Factory, New Malaysian Essays by various local personalities (SO GOOD!) and …. the Genotype Diet -____- yes it’s that bloodtype diet thing. haih.
#9 SOME of his shirts. there’s more in the other room. what did i say?! a man after my own heart!!!
#10 ties! rolling up the ties and putting them in these little compartments was my favourite task when we moved into this singapore apartment. oh and those are my earrings! shit i always wondered where i put them
#11 his extremely awesome bookcase that i SO WISH I HAD. i think it is more ME than it is him! right? right? do you think i should make him give it to me?
#12 one page of the scrapbook i made him for our first anniversary. it was divided by cities – and this one is in the Hong Kong section. hehe see the Bank of China! and the junk boat!
#13 really messy coffee table. this is after cleaning. random things from the table that i can see from here – Tatler’s Guide to Singapore best restaurants, AA batteries, a Stabilo highligher, a wedding invitation, boxes of souvenirs from our Kunming trip, a pen that has not been capped, tickets to Radio & Juliet tomorrow, lots of random papers
#14 his really gross flax seed crackers (WTF?! is this even food?!) and my Pods. PODS!!! Snickers flavor! no contest which one deserves more attention.
#15 sticker photos taken at Bugis Junction and random passport photos we needed for our china visa.
#16 the Dell printer/scanner/fax machine thingy that Martian so loved when he bought it. i think he was scanning documents rabidly for a month
#17 bathroom counter. when i come to Singapore, all i need to take with me are my glasses and my passport, cos all my toiletries are already here. best!
#18 random candles in the bathroom. these came from his HK bathroom. i once pointed at them and laughed at their randomness, then he said it was his attempt at serious interior design. -_-
#19 OMG THE FRIDGE… okay let me describe the contents. the freshest thing in there is the box of Awfully Chocolate cake at the top shelf, and that’s two weeks old. two cans of diet coke – one three months old, the other 5 months. MOONCAKE FROM RAFFLES HOTEL. MOONCAKE. MOONCAKE FESTIVAL WAS IN SEPTEMBER. mcvities biscuits from about 7 months ago. chicken biscuits from Pangkor Laut which was 6 months ago. rolled-up Doritos at the bottom shelf… who the heck puts Doritos in the fridge…. and those Doritos were bought when we moved in..
#20 my junk food pantry!! i say mine because he doesnt buy any junk food.. and even tries to impose an embargo on my junk food buying. the only thing in there that’s not mine is that white pack of Tyrells organic lightly salted carrot chips whatever. carrot chips?? wtf…
#21 plates we never use
#22 Tyson sitting among the dvds. he used to sit in between Salt & Pepper but they ostracized him for his color
#23 photos on the bookcase. i gave him the wooden one for Valentine’s Day in 2007, and the bottom frame as part of his birthday gift in 2006. that photo was taken in Penang.. haha what a trip. i remember so clearly how i felt when i wrote that post.
#24 the wooden duck i got him for Christmas last year, and our very cute plastic plant that flops its leaves! i bought it because every house needs a plant :D
#25 his tempur pillows. i hate. he loves.
#26 me and Pink Giraffe. Martian and i had a very big fight over him the other day. if you can guess what it’s about, i’ll give you one buck. sieutheng you cannot play
#27 our newest DVDs. we spent all day yesterday watching the first season of Entourage… seriously… besides playing Spot The Star, why do people even like this show. P.S I Love You had me crying like an idiot. sigh.
#28 dont tell Martian i jumped on his couch :P
June 2nd, 2008
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