Living Life Unbuttoned

there’s this pair of jeans that goes by the tagline – ‘live unbuttoned’. i stared at the tagline for the longest time the other day, and gave it some thought. what does it mean to live unbuttoned?

most of us, i think, in some way or another, live our lives – be it just a small part of ourselves or in entirety – in a buttoned, stifling, closed-up state. some of us choose not to let themselves love easily for fear of getting hurt; some others have this one love of their life whom they long to touch and be close to, but have to hold themselves back because that person is not and will never be theirs. and then there are those of us who are stuck in a lifetime of forever portraying themselves as someone they are not, having to keep up appearances to meet expectations, wondering if this endless cycle of doing what they hate is ever going to end.

as for me, i have always been the type to love cautiously. the moment i start loving someone, there’s always this panicky voice at the back of my head that tells me i shouldn’t put myself so far out there. and so i quickly withdraw myself, and only love as much as i am loved. the problem with this is that if the other person is just like me, then our relationship is doomed, because neither one is ever going to love the other person unconditionally. it becomes this stunted love that won’t grow.

i’ve never actually been left by any of my boyfriends. i’ve been hurt by them, yes, but never have i been fallen out of love with, dumped for someone better, or simply left to be alone. in this aspect, i am spoiled, but i am not ignorant of the fact that it could one day happen to me. and so in a warped attempt to protect myself, i always scare myself with the idea that i’m going to be hurt; that the people i care most about can and will eventually turn around and break my heart into pieces, and then leave me to lick my wounds alone. i’ve become scared to love. i’m scared to be the one in the relationship who gives and gives and find out way too late that it’s all in vain.

and that’s why i love cautiously, because i don’t ever want to one day find myself in the situation where i love this one person with all my heart, but he leaves me, and i never saw it coming in the first place.

i would like to tell you that i am no longer like this today, but the sad truth is that i still am very much like that. i’m still this panicked girl who holds back from loving the other person more than he loves me. it’s selfish and it’s unfair, i know. especially since i have this great guy who loves me and forgives me no matter how many times i have hurt him in the past, and always opens his arms to me when i realize i’ve done something wrong. and even when i refuse to accept that i am wrong, he comes to get me anyway. he comes to save me from the bathtub, or comes to wrap his arms around me when i’m seething in self-righteousness in the other room.

i have this great guy, and yet i love him with buttons on. why am i still holding back? i think it’s about time that i love – and live – unbuttoned :) i can’t and won’t have him think that i love him less than he loves me, because the truth is i love him so much more than that. i love him so much it hurts. he has to know that. and i will prove it to him. i’ll prove to him that I’m in this for the long run, and that i’ll work just as hard at this as he is. i want him to know that he’s the one who made me love and live unbuttoned.

hi baby. are you reading this? you’re the one who made me live unbuttoned. i love you :)

The Great Columbia Clock is still ticking away. i have so little time left. when i am there, i am going to be so scared. scared because i don’t know what’s happening back home, scared that Martian will meet someone else he likes more and leave me. scared that i’ll be lonely. but then i’ll come back to this post, read it, remember how i felt at this point in time, and i’ll be better again.

the jeans that Martian and i are wearing in this post are the Levi’s® 501® :)

88 comments August 3rd, 2008

Who I Would Share My Last Oreo With

i figure that by now most of you guys have seen the Oreo posts floating around the blogosphere lately, so you must already know what this post of mine is for :)

Oreo is having a competition where they are inviting people all over the world to make a video that depicts an Oreo & Milk Moment. if you look up their Youtube channel, you will find some excellent submissions up already – some touching, some cheerful, some funny, but all really good videos.

Oreo also engaged a handful of bloggers to write about this competition, and i was lucky enough to be one of those selected. you don’t have to persuade me very hard to write for a cookie like Oreo, which i already know like the back of my hand and love :)

below is the video i made for this competition:

i have had a lot of Oreo moments in my life. one of them was this time I went on a trip to Genting with some friends, and i was tasked with buying snacks, and all i bought was RM 30 worth of Oreos cos i had a craving :P everyone scolded me at first but we ended up finishing all the Oreos on the first night. then there was the time we made a cheesecake with an Oreo cookie base, and the time i spilled an Oreo McFlurry all over Azlan’s car. remember my dessert fast two years ago? i broke it with an Oreo McFlurry at the airport :) and then there are all the times i sneakily buy a small pack of Oreos while Martian isn’t looking, so that i can snack on them while he’s sleeping at night….

but i guess nothing tops the Oreo Moment i had when i made that video up there. it was a moment of realization that was very personal and very precious to me, so i hope you guys wont judge me too much as you watch the video. and thank you Oreo, for this new Oreo Moment, and for being such an awesome cookie :)

86 comments July 28th, 2008

The Things Tarot Cards Say

i found out earlier today that i can actually use my phone to make video calls. i was spilling over with excitement as i made my first ever video call; it was such a welcome reprieve and felt like something i had been seeking for all my life and finally found. but the call ended quickly and now i am here, wishing for walls to speak to me and for answers to materialize from all these nonsense words that i keep staring at. i also wish for abundant joy but as it turns out i am not going to be part of that. i am lonely and frightened but it’s too late at night to do anything about it. not even a million sighs or silly spiderman vs superman videos are helping tonight. i feel grey. i feel crumpled out of shape. i feel like my heart is beating too softly.

and i am scared to sleep because such cruel things invade my dreams. they eat me inside out, and the worst part is that i can’t control them at all.

July 13th, 2008

What Love Is

Martian and i aren’t always happy. we both have our own fears and insecurities about our relationship, our direction, ourselves and each other. sometimes these fears and insecurities happen simultaneously, and we fight. there are the fights, and then there are the REALLY BIG fights that involve crying, screaming, swearing, hurtful statements and walking out. then there are the break-ups, the exchange of cruel words and spitefully hissing what we hate so much about each other. by no means are we the perfect couple. there are days when i cant help but think that we are just so wrong for each other.

yet at the end of the day, after each fight be it big or small, we fall back into each other’s arms, spilling over with murmurs of i’m-sorry’s, frantic kisses, hungry grasps and all the love that we have for each other. we ache to make it up to the other person, to hopefully erase from their memory all the mean and callous words said in the heat of anger, to win our place back in the other person’s heart again. in these moments, as we kiss and make up, i’m always thinking.. how could i have screamed at someone like him? how could i have gotten angry? how can i not realize what a good, amazing, perfect thing i have in my boyfriend? to squander our precious time away by fighting… what could i have possibly been thinking?

i’ve always believed that love, essentially, is loving the other person more than you love yourself; putting their happiness before your own. it is measured by how much you are willing to sacrifice for the other. it is big things like trying your very best to become a kinder, more patient, more thoughtful person so that you can make her happy, and it is small things like missing your favorite tv show just so you can pick him up from football practice. so when i read this line in an Oscar Wilde book one day - ‘to love is to surpass oneself’, i felt like i had found a precious gem of universal truth.

i want a lot of things. i am a lot of things. but i give up, and change, all of these because i love Martian.

two years ago, we sat at Martian’s dining table at his apartment, weeding through Antoine de Saint Exupery’s ‘The Little Prince’ to exhume two metaphors from each of the 27 chapters for my college assignment. that’s a grand total of 54 metaphors, and we were pulling an all-nighter trying to get the assignment done before morning. i later found out that Adrian had given me the wrong information, and it was really only just two metaphors for the FIRST TWO chapters.

when i found out about the misinformation, i scolded Adrian for causing me to waste my time like that. but i never got around to thanking him and giving him a big hug for inadvertently giving me one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

that night, on the 4th of July 2006, while taking a break from Antoine de Saint Exupery’s The Little Prince, Martian held me, closed his eyes and told me that he loved me. that night, i told him that i love him too. and that is how we started.

happy anniversary baby. i love you so much. i’m so sorry i bluffed you about coming out to get a glass of water but i really ended up blogging and chatting on MSN, and now you’ve fallen asleep :\

63 comments July 4th, 2008

Optrex

it’s been long day after long day; the big Columbia clock keeps ticking over my head. i am drowning in to-do lists. my inner child wants to just sleep, but i cant because i am constantly kept awake by the atrocities that happen in our daily lives and the world. why are people hypocritical? why are there political assassinations? why do people fight? why do people get sick? why are principles being discarded? why does spite exist? why are people so concerned with looks and money? why is our air getting hazier? why do the evil and the scheming triumph? does sincerity exist anymore?

my head is swirling with iron deficiency. i havent been eating much lately, either. tomorrow i will be back in the arms of my Martian, and he will make sure i am eating well, but tomorrow feels so far away. i worry the world will implode before then, collapsing into itself from the wretched burden of itself, which means that i will never have my tomorrow. tomorrow, America’s skies will be littered with fireworks; tomorrow, mine will be littered with uncertainties and love. two years ago, i felt this way too. i was bound by the paralysis of caring too much. i was frantic and frightened. i am still.

did you know that it’s already july… doesn’t time fly. i wish time would freeze and i could enjoy chicken wings and la-la at jalan alor forever. have bubbly in bangsar every afternoon until i become one big gas bubble. i also wish i didn’t get hurt so easily. it’s becoming so hard to love people when they all seem so caustic and uncaring.

there was a time where i used to come home from school, eat apples and play Roller Coaster Tycoon. it was a time of fish porridge and pure bliss.

i am tired. i dont feel well.

i have a sudden urge to go swimming.

i have a question. it’s a simple one. what is love?

73 comments July 3rd, 2008