tonight’s one of those nights. those Comments Off nights of bleakness and dissolution. few things make me happy lately; i drew a little bit of delight from watching an angsty angry cabbie eat an ice cream earlier tonight, but that cheer was shortlived. when i got home i sat on the floor for a long time weighing decisions but ultimately coming to nothing. then i crawled into bed and pressed my right cheek against the pillow, and i stared at the wall. i recognise this feeling and it’s loneliness. but i realize that i of all people have absolutely no right to feel lonely. i get so much love from my friends and family and boyfriend. i should shut up and be grateful for what i have. but at the same time i just want people to understand me. that’s the best gift you could ever give me.. just one ounce of understanding, for one minute. just see where i’m coming from, stop yelling at me, stop calling me names, stop expecting anything from me. this is all so unfair. you’re unfair. that moment haunts me in my dreams. it hits me at that very last second right before i cum. i sink into it slowly in the minutes before i fall asleep. it’s there in my mind when i pick up the phone and start talking. and i want to throw up. i think it’s sick. sick sick sick. my skin crawls. i want out but i dont quite know how to say it.
March 11th, 2007
i like to think i am in control of how i feel. but truly i know that i am not. like right now, i’m feeling the one emotion i hate the most. fear. there is no word to describe how much i abhor and shun the feeling of fear. i like to think i dont feel fear. and the truth is, i dont. or not a lot anyway. but nights like tonight are the anomalies in my otherwise perfect life. right now i am very very scared. it’s 3.57am. i know that when i wake up tomorrow, i will have forgotten all of this. but by the evening, i will remember once again. and then i will want to say something. and maybe i do say it, or just a little bit of it .. but eventually the truth never comes out. because i’m scared and i dont have the courage it takes to spill it all out. then i’m told not to say anything if i’m not going to finish my sentences. reason? because it’s annoying. but do you not care how i feel? why wont you sit down with me and help me try to understand what i’m going through? dont you see that sometimes things are hard to say. and that being vulnerable is difficult when one has tried their entire life to seem anything but. the truth is, i’m vulnerable. not very vulnerable, but just vulnerable. i may look angry to you, but at night i cry myself to sleep and when i have breakfast i draw sad smileys in my ketchup. who am i to you? some girl who blogs stuff.. but in between that ’stuff’ is a ghost of a person in a few hundred drafts that never saw the light of the index page. they are stories of how i dream about cats and bottles and sweat and dark corridors. stories of forgotten kisses and desired fulfilment. fulfilment.. what a big word. on my friendster, under my Who I Want To Meet column, is the name ‘fulfilment’. fulfilment, why are you so elusive? all i want is a little bit of you. just graze me with your fingertips. flicker your split-ended hair on my cheeks. anything… and tell me why if everyone else can have you, why cant i?
March 5th, 2007
‘darling, cover your eyes,’ he’d say calmly and immediately i’d squeeze my eyes shut. i dont have to ask why to know why. i know that he knows what’s best for me. ‘is it over,’ i’ll whisper after a few seconds. he always answers honestly, and sometimes he reaches over to hold my hand or stroke my hair. it is times like these, as my eyes are tightly closed and we are sitting there in silence, that i am overwhelmed by the maturity he can sometimes show. i could love this guy. i do love this guy.
the other day i was in a cab coming home from pj. it was almost midnight and i just really wanted to get home as soon as possible. the cabbie wasnt much of a conversationalist, but that was fine by me cos i wasnt feeling too chatty either. we slowed to a halt at the edinburgh intersection’s red lights, and the moment we stopped, i turned to look out the window. then i saw what i saw. for a moment i was puzzled. what is that?, i wondered. then it dawned upon me, and i quickly clapped my hands over my eyes, but a little too late. i’d seen it. and the horror of the situation would keep coming back to haunt me, i know it. i know it because it happened once before.
but who’s going to warn me now? i cant take care of myself. i wont. i may seem angry, irritated, and i may push you away, but all i really need is for you to take care of me.
February 3rd, 2007
it’s almost 3 in the morning, and the last of the pubcrawlers are lingering in small groups on the sidewalk. to my left, big burly bouncers are rolling up the velvet ropes, and to my right, waiters in white shirts are wiping down tables and stacking up chairs. strains of chillout music slither like snakes out the frames of open doors.
the night breeze feels cool against my neck. ‘am i really red?’, i ask him, as i press the back of my hands to my cheeks. he kisses me, smiles and says, ‘nope’. but the twitch at the corner of his lips gives him away. i sigh as i slip my fingers through his. not much time before i have to leave him once again. this shit is difficult.
as we walk along the street back to the car, a slightly overweight buxom blonde hurtles down the stairs of this new club, almost knocking us over. from the way she is walking and the way her eyes are unfocused, it is obvious she is drunk. ‘whoooops, sorrrrrry!’ she slurs. the smell of vomit is unmistakable as she pushes past us.
‘wow,’ he says.
frowning, i smack him. ’stop looking at her tits! mine are the only ones you can look at!’
he laughs and pulls me close. we stop to kiss; a long, soft, slow kiss. moments like these are what i replay over and over again in my head when i’m there and he’s here. moments like these are what i long for as we’re Skyping, or when i’m texting him from my bed, or when i’m on the flight heading back home. moments like these are what make it all worth fighting for.
i open my eyes and catch sight of the new club the drunk blonde had come out from. of course we had to stop at this very spot. i feel a secret smile creep up upon my lips. ‘what?’ he mumbles against my smile, still kissing me.
turning him around, i show him the club. ‘remember the italian japanese place that used to be here?’
‘yeah. mezza notte.’
‘ever ate there?’
‘no.. i hear the food wasnt that great. maybe that’s why it closed down.’
indignantly, i say, ‘oi! it was nice lah. i remember they had this warm chocolate cake that was soooooo good.. they served it with honey ice cream summore. hey you know, i’m sad they shut the place down. it was special to me.’
‘why?’
i was waiting there alone, kicking myself because i had forgotten to bring the card. in the card was to be everything i wanted to say but never did, all the stuff i didnt dare talk about. oh well. email will have to do, i thought, as i adjusted my skirt. my skirt.. my zara denim pleated skirt, paired with my black vneck pullover. i wondered if he would notice that i was wearing the exact same thing i was wearing the day we first met. one year and four months ago at coffee bean, mont kiara. i even managed to find the same denim bag i was using that day.
while waiting, i started thinking. do i really want this? what’s going on? but i’m unhappy. he’s unhappy. i wish we could talk about this. but we’re in love. are we really in love? why dont i feel it? why dont i know it? am i being too naive or am i being too untrusting? what do i do?
there was so much confusion and chaos going on in my head, that i felt like throwing up. even my moods were a whirlwind. i was a little bit angry, a little bit wistful, a little bit happy, a little bit sad.
but then he walked in. and he smiled that smile.. that irresistible mont kiara morning grey jumper smile. and all i could feel was excitement. love. i wanted to throw my arms around his neck, pout and plead, ‘carry meeeee!’. but i didnt. i just smiled back. we kissed, said our hellos. and then he pulled back, looked me over and said, hey.. you’re wearing what you wore that day.
‘..mm. it just is lah.’
we walked back to the car in a comfortable silence. ‘do you love me?’ i ask suddenly.
January 2nd, 2007
it was very quick. even before the confused frown on my forehead ceased, i had retrieved from the recesses of my memory the exact event i needed. it was something i had read on a good friend’s blog. the realization, the matching of incidents, the conclusion was quick as well. i swear it all happened in the blink of an eye. inwardly, i sigh and think to myself, not again? this time i definitely heard right. but i cant even bring myself to care anymore. so i roll my eyes and give my short reply of disagreement. or perhaps correction would be a better word to use. i dont know. i’ve been scarred. and i just want to avoid the chances of being scarred again. it’s not the painful, heartbreaking kind of scar.. but a wince-inducing, pride-damaging kind of scar. now i am nervous. it’s like i’m in this perpetual flight away from something i have to avoid. it’s very tiring. it takes all the fun out of something that should be light-hearted, giggly and happy. it gives it this underlying gloom, this shadow that follows it all around. it’s not about pride anymore. now it’s about love. i wish i could say, i am me.. love me.. but those words are difficult to utter. it’s something you keep second-guessing, something you just cant bring yourself to say.
December 14th, 2006
