i’m still learning

i’m still learning that when two grey, jagged, otherwise meaningless rocks scrub against each other, they produce beautiful flints of light that ignite. am i the rock? am i the flint? some days all i feel is the pain and the burn – and then i realise, i am the side effect. i am the extra energy that dissipates as things around me catch fire. and all i get to do is watch these things burn brightly, whilst i disappear.

i took a long walk by myself today, and in my head i went through all the little steps i would take towards freedom. it made me happy just to think of the possibilities. what if, if only, what could i, what should i. i’ve reached a cliff where i would not feel bad or sad about leaving anything that i have behind. the joy rests in what could be and no longer what is. i should go for it, right? the moon illuminates the path ahead and appears to agree with me.

i’m still learning that my capacity for happiness grows. it grows like my skin – ever expanding, warm and yet shedding layers. i want to set myself on fire, skin and all, and melt all of my sadness away.

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