Doctors

when this topic was chosen, i pondered it for days and backspaced many initial drafts. i felt so far away from the concept of doctors that i didn’t know what to say or write about. “essential” came to mind and disappeared. “grateful” lingered longer. and that was it. wispy words and a thin film of emotion. it occurred to me today that this is how i would feel about any subject right now, as the days fold into each other in meandering, meaningless waves.

and yet here i am today in front of a doctor. in this blue and grey room, she reminds me to feel and not to think. i stare hard at the blue walls and wonder how did they get the walls to match the blue of the cushions so precisely. i stare hard at her and think about whether she might help me with this piece of writing. before i know it, i am crying – meandering, meaningless waves of tears. how am i supposed to talk about how i feel when all i feel is emptiness inside?

somewhere in the vacuum, i find a small, searing cut of anger. i almost miss it amidst the murky gloom, but it is there. anger is better than nothing. maybe this is what will propel me forward into a place where real connections, real love and real friendship exist.

meanwhile a planet full of pandemic ailments continues to spin.

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