it’s late in the evening. i’m so exhausted today that i just want to wrap everything up and give it all away. i dont often feel like this but today i feel so alone, amidst the clanging of the bells from the streets that are boxing me in and the loud voices of all the people who are close to and far from me. i dont want to be touched and i dont want to want anything, but i do want my heart to melt away into something unrecognizable and easily forgettable, like the sounds of the traffic lights as they tick time away, or the many different pillars in the parking lot at ikano power center. sometimes i wake up and i am 27 years old, in that place and state of mind that i once tried to put myself into as i was struggling to fall asleep, and i wonder if i am you, momentarily, pure and undisturbed by me. i am like this void at night, that moves over things and fills them with all kinds of sadness and trepidation, until at long last i am empty as the sky and you are just you. does it become easy to rest? do you remember them times talkin’ in your sleep? i heard a long, long time ago in a living room far, far away that a sad song makes it better. not always, but there is a soft breeze just outside the window, and it is wonderful tonight.


Still Alive!

hi all!

just wanted to quickly write and say that i’m still here and planning to suture quaintly.net back to completeness quite soon. i’ve had some help extended to me in recollecting my blog archives and putting them back up here (thank goodness!) so at some point soon i’m going to be piecing that together.

it’s funny. i’ve been blogging for close to 10 years now, but when i woke up to that email from my host telling me “it’s all gone” i didn’t feel too much remorse. i got many emails and messages over the next few weeks expressing condolences and well wishes, all of which i appreciated very much, but strangely felt very disconnected from. it felt like i was watching a movie — i can somehow relate to the character, but i know i am not that person. and enveloping it all is a cucumber cool indifference.

i think i’ve undergone vast changes since coming to college, both superficially and also at my core. it’s hard to explain and probably sounds trivial to everyone else but i guess it’s sufficient to say that in my mind i still think i am the old me, but the new me does everything completely differently. it sounds silly to me even as i write this, like an existential crisis that a 16 year old in high school would complain about. but that’s just really how i feel. words can’t quite describe how distraught it makes me feel that i’ve basically shifted so far away from the person i thought i was, which is the person i’ve always wanted to be.

oh well. this isn’t a pity fest so i’d like to move on. some updates on my life: yes, i’m still in college, and will be graduating next year. i returned from Kenya in January (which i think was almost the last thing i blogged about), and spent spring break in Mexico. Kafka is currently in New York with me as we both take a month-long break from transatlantic communication. i’m happy to have him here — this unforgiving city seems a lot more bearable when he is here to share his love for it with me. and it’s always nice when we can take care of each other in person :) school is still giving me a lot of anxiety as always — classes aren’t getting any easier and leading student organizations also isn’t getting any less dramatic. yet i’m enjoying everything. i’m doing what i like and someday it’s going to lead me to what i love. also i’m going to be in HK over the summer for an internship. so… hit me up, hong kongers!

march is drawing to a close as i write this, and it makes me sad. i like march. there are many things i associate with march that i like, and they span the marches of many, many years, making for a vast montage of likable things. the last few days have been a flavorful blast from the past, with a handful of march people reappearing in my life again, causing all this friction that awake some kind of wonder in me.

i’m actually really quite young. why am i making all these adult person decisions?

talk soon!

(btw, keep this font size or return it to its former microscopic quality?)

(p/s, if you are a subscriber of my RSS feeds, please update your subscription to continue receiving updates!)



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