sometimes i wish i were a robot


South of Hollywood

specks of the past do sometimes flit my way, and lodge themselves in my eye. flailing then i can no longer see the world before me, but am forced to look within as i forcefully blink. in these instances i realize how much i’d like to forget you the way you forgot me, but i don’t quite have the heart to, and so i walk around in circles trying hard to extract as many painful but useful lessons from our acquaintance as i can, to justify to myself that there is some good that will come from still keeping you in my mind. it’s a tiresome process and many times i feel like an imbecile in denial, with these useless scraps of information in my hands that i can’t really do much with. i’ve become so ruined and i’m not sure whose fault it is, if it’s mine or yours and if i could ever one day forgive myself for having met you. why’d you find me here?

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Dear Malaysia

this is your prime minister:

this is the same prime minister who was quiet all week long leading up to the Bersih rally, and on the day of the rally was nowhere to be found, on a day that Malaysia needed a leader the most.

this is the same prime minister that 51.5% of us elected to the helm of our country. and this is the best he can do on national television after such an emotional and historical day for Malaysia — mock the injured, mock the opposition, mock those who wore yellow, mock those who marched, mock those who were hit by ‘sikit’ tear gas, and mock those who cared so much for the country that he’s running down to the ground.

please vote wisely in the next elections. register to vote at your nearest post office if you have not already done so. or i will beat you and eat you for breakfast. and i can eat A LOT of breakfast.


What We Must

in 2007 somewhere in between petaling street and kl sentral something in me moved and it has not stopped growing since, like branches and branches up my throat and out of my mouth, into the world, like a tree. it was raining and we were all singing, clapping each other on the back, asking fellow countrymen what their nafkah were, re-assessing deeply as we walked past the red trucks and blaring sirens about what it meant to each of us to be malaysian and to be human. on the one hand it felt like we were all part of something big, doing something great that morning — and on the other hand it felt like the biggest street party i had ever been to. certainly, the threat against safety was very much present as well then, and this year we all know that the fear has become so much more palpable. but we don’t make progress unless we take risks. in many countries, big and powerful institutions take big and powerful risks because they care about their people, but in this country it is often us, the small and the humble, who create the things that mean the most.

to anyone who’s still undecided and thinking hard about whether or not to go– sometimes it’s not about the politics, the country, justice, society, or even about electoral reform. those things may be what a lot of people are marching for, but if you are not convinced by the arguments so far, that does not have to be what you walk for. you can walk, simply, for yourself and what is yours.

it is instinctive and straightforward to feel like we have so much more at stake in our lives that we just cannot compromise them for a rally in which we are only one person out of tens and tens of thousands, but truly, we are thinking perhaps too lowly of our selves and our capacity if we believe that to be all we are. a rally of 49,999 people will embrace warmly a 50,000th person as friend and comrade, and also his curious younger brother, and that younger brother’s girlfriend, who brings her mom, who brings her entire saturday morning tai chi group because there is safety in numbers. before you know it, the rally has tripled in size, and everyone knows someone whose perspective will be changed for good because they were there that morning. even the lone wolf who goes by himself inadvertently falls into the understanding of what it truly means to be prepared to die for something he believes in, and that can become such a powerful impetus with the force to drive so much good in this world.

having said that, our call to duty is really a lot smaller than the bloody revolutions endured by our neighbors near and far, our friends, the meek and the brave, children, soldiers and women all throughout the world who literally bleed out for a better life and a better future for those that will come after them. here, we go into hiding and submit to terrorism by the very people and institutions who are supposed to protect us and make us feel safe. and all in the name of protecting a career, a scholarship, a car, a mortgage or an upcoming PhD fellowship– things that we believe make up our identity and are our notions of what gives us security. but simply, no one is after these things to take them away from us. think of ambiga and her teammates, all of whom have been publicly named, and how much of their freedom and safety they are putting on the line to fight for righteousness and the rights of people like you and me. and then here we are, anonymous things, worried about the little money we make and what our boss would think if we were detained for 6 hours in a lockup.

there are many reasons why this rally might not make much of a difference, or many reasons why the ‘battle’ has already been won with or without a rally. but on this morning of the 9th of july we should be asking ourselves what our roles are in circumstances like these, and what we can mobilize within our capacity that will create the most good out of this situation, not just for the country, but also for our friends, our family, for all the people we know who work hard, and of course, for our own integrity.

what it looked like in 2007

on a more personal note, i’m very proud of my family, because they will be walking for family, and their family’s family. i am also proud of all my friends’ parents who reluctantly but bravely allowed and even encouraged their children to walk today. i am currently stuck in a harshly lit 24/7 fast food restaurant in the ribs of changi airport, but in a few hours i will be home. this year i am walking for ambiga and her colleagues, for their bravery, and their relentlessness in the pursuit of justice. if only, if only our country’s leadership were made of courage and integrity such as theirs.


Lost and Found

i just got home from a nice night out with two former colleagues at everyone’s favourite blog advertising network, and last night i had dinner with kim and gareth where kim cooked up a delicious storm of roast chicken, layered potatoes and meringue cookies. it’s always nice to reconnect with the blogosphere even if in this rather remote and infrequent manner, because i miss so many people in there and it reminds me to be thankful of all the big and small treasures blogging has given me. it has made me many good friends, given me several precious best friends and most definitely thrown in my face many lessons that would have taken me years to learn otherwise. for these things and more, i will always be grateful for being bored one night and starting that little personal space on 10 years ago.

so … i’m a year away from graduating and leaving the big apple. three years ago i quite disliked new york city; i found it abrasive and individualistic, and ironically in such a place it was hard to be ‘myself’. but i am beginning to love the city, for its boundless opportunities and its grace in allowing a tired and grey you to be a brightly shining phoenix — constantly in a state of flux, rebirth and renewal of the self — and for these reasons it’s been great to pursue an education there. for better or for worse, that part of me that searches for a chemical reaction on first contact has disappeared. i’m in the younger stages of realizing that the “i just know” sentiment doesn’t apply to everything, including cities, and that one has to be open to the element of surprise and yet know that the reason you love that city is because some things in it don’t change, and will remain a comfort to your changing, growing self. like how the entrances to central park are always just there even though i can never remember which streets they are on. or how the layout of manhattan is pretty straightforward, but once you get deep downtown, even a good sense of direction isn’t going to be of much help in finding one’s way (if one is searching for something in particular).

i think i mentioned somewhere in some recent post that i’ve lost a lot lately. like with most kinds of loss, i’ve been trying hard to repress a lot of the memories, and with time i begin to succeed until someday i realize that it’s been a full ten hours since i last thought about my loss. and then a full twelve hours. then a full waking day. and at some point, you look upon some thing and a distant memory flutters in a cobwebbed corner of your mind. i was looking at some pictures the other day and a whole host of these distant memories fluttered like an army of sparrows. ah, perhaps i should stop taking pictures of things i am bound to lose :) but what kind of life would that be.

and so, for my own archiving, here are some fragments of things i once cherished:


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