another summer break signaling another year gone by – likely the most challenging one i’ve had yet in this small lifespan of mine. i’ve sadly lost so many things in the short course of this year, but thankfully a lot of time was spent dreaming. and yet more importantly i’m learning how difficult it is to put into practice any lessons learned. but more on those another time… it would be nice to take a small break from those thoughts for a while.

i’m finally home for summer break, after a week or so tying up loose ends in NYC and another week spent on holiday with kafka, where i slept away almost every hour of each day. as always it is great to be back but this time it feels different. i almost feel like my time spent in malaysia is on some kind of a quota, and it’s running out. that’s a silly thing to say, i know, because i could be here for good after graduation, but who knows if that’s for sure? yes, yes, we are in control of our own lives and we all should do what we want to do, but the question is when exactly do we do what we want to do?

every year when i come back my grandmother looks thinner and thinner. she’s been on a speaking strike for some time now, but today i got her to call me by my name through bribing her with a ham cheen paeng, one of her favourite things to eat. it was a small triumph but i can’t help but wish really hard that all those years ago when i was 12 i’d gone to eat porridge with her at the little restaurant next to the bus station under the hotel in genting. but she’s got soul, and she’s a soldier.



in the midst of finals but suddenly overwhelmed with feelings of how much i miss my roommate. she left college midway through the year to take some time off to herself, which was and still is a good decision (i only wish i could do the same!), but there’s still a very big hole in my heart from her absence. i’ve become a lot sadder since she left, and in my quieter nights really miss how we would sit outside on the steps just to talk, or how we would go home drunk together after parties, giggly and silly as we stumble down the stairs to our room. we didn’t have the best relationship in the beginning of our roomie life two years ago, but circumstances and events have changed us both so much that inexplicably i find that she’s become one of my favorite people in the world. who would’ve thought? this crazy roommate of mine in sophomore year who did the most insane things that i simply could not understand, often with questionable intent… is now someone i love and care for so much. if anything went right in the later half of 2010 (and that was one shady year for us both), it was when she decided to chip away at all those layers of old skin and face masks, and allow her true self to emerge, and when i decided to chip away at the frost and distrust that lacquered my heart. she’s now growing up into such a fine young woman and i’m sad that i’m not there to see it. but i know she’s doing well, filling out those big shoes she was always meant to fill, and i’m very proud. rarely have i ever felt this proud of someone… and rarely do i miss someone this much.

in my headier moments i often think of taking a year off as well, if only so that we can make the walk to receive our diploma together, and graduate together.

so i just wanted to write and say that everyone deserves a second chance. we look past a lot of great people if we don’t, especially people who just need a little bit of time and attention from people who care, before they can lift themselves up of the wasteland that society sometimes leaves us in.



tough week. but what i’ve learned from it: even if you have nothing nice to say, say something nice anyway. the other person will appreciate it.


Whirly World

i could write a whole bunch of stuff tonight
but all i want to say is




small grains of hope sometimes explode within my chest in the most mundane of moments, like at six in the morning when i am dressed in sweatpants and still tiredly wading through dunes of reading assignments. he sleeps beside me as i read, and now and then there are spliced seconds when his foot brushes mine, and suddenly i feel – yes, this is it. this is the bubble that i need. this is the space that i want to be in, free from the oppressive heat of hostile manners, from bad news, social media, and impaired judgment (my own). occasionally he wakes up, violently ripped from the fringes of his strange dreams and begins to talk about ethereal things, and i cant help but wonder if he is made out of thin air, if at this time a little more than a year ago i embarked on this miraculous fantasy and created for myself a good thing that doesn’t actually exist. but then slowly his mystical speech begins to become more real, and familiar, and actually tangible — and i am faced with the sad truth that i am the anti midas. this is what i do, and it is unfortunately cyclical and permanent. then the small grains dissipate, and i go to sleep too.

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